Mom.Dad.Chat

How much do your and your spouse’s taste differ? Do you generally like the same clothes design and color, for example? For me, I have learned that I can never go shopping with my husband. Because whatever I pick up, he will seem to think that it doesn’t look good. And whatever he selects, I don’t seem to like it a lot either. We just have this difference in opinion and taste.

So, if my husband is with me, I usually end up buying nothing. Not that I need to listen to him but somehow, his opinion will have a direct influence on me and I will then have second thoughts about what I had initially chosen. As a result, I will go home empty-handed.

Therefore, it makes more sense if I go shopping on my own. Then, I will be more likely to buy something because there is no one to tell me “That’s ugly! Why don’t you buy this instead?” I end up getting more confused and at times, fed-up that I rather not buy anything at all!

OK, now I understand why in my university marketing course once upon a time, I was made to study the buying process and how people arrive at their decision. For marketers, it can be important to know who is actually making the purchase decision because they will need to target their marketing efforts to the right group of people.

Anyway, for 2010, perhaps I can make a new resolution and that is to stop being influenced by my husband when it comes to buying MY stuff! If that is at all possible…

Today, I just had breakfast with the grandma of one of my son’s classmates at school. She is living with her son and daughter-in-law and has been doing so for the past 10 years. Because it is not often that a mother-in-law can get along, let alone live with a daughter-in-law, what she told me today is certainly good advise from an older woman.

Her first rule is as a mother-in-law, you should never talk bad about your daughter-in-law to your own son. Never complain to him how bad she is or the mistakes she had done. Let them go. She said that that is the smart thing to do if you are a mother-in-law because that is the way to maintain the good relationship with your own son. According to her, a son will always be closer to his wife than to his mother as time passes by. So, to stand in between them will more than likely result in you being booted out of their lives. Moreover, it is only natural that you want them to have a happy marriage and you shouldn’t do anything that negatively impacts their relationship with each other.

Her second rule is never quarrel with your daughter-in-law. Don’t say things you shouldn’t say. If she disagrees with you, don’t push for your view to be accepted. She doesn’t need to listen to you, but in fact, you should try to accommodate your daughter-in-law’s way of doing things. Her opinion is there is no point winning petty arguments when in the process you create cracks in the relationship. So what if you win all those petty arguments when it won’t make you happy?

The grandma’s last rule is never tell your daughter-in-law “I told you so!” That is, if she didn’t listen to you earlier but later realized that what you said makes sense, there is no need to react. In short, don’t rub it in. Just quietly pretend that you have never said anything about the matter before. Let her keep her pride.

Well, it seems being a mother-in-law is certainly not easy. Maybe when it is my time to be a mother-in-law, I will need to recall all these words from this old lady. It is amazing sometimes, what you can learn in one morning from someone who has experienced much more of life than you!

With Christmas approaching, it is another year coming to an end. It is also the season to shop for gifts and plan for holidays. But as the years wear on, I’m dreading this shopping for gifts activity. This is because as the kids get older, you don’t really know what to buy anymore. Toys would not do, especially when the kids are in or approaching their teens. Toys just don’t interest this group of youngsters anymore that I have to wreck my brains to think of other things to buy.

My own son is 4 and being his mother, it is of course easy to pick out a gift for him. But for two of my sister-in-laws’ girls, it is hard. One is around 11 and the other is 14. You don’t really know what they like or don’t like as tastes change easily for a girl of that age. Perhaps there is also that generation gap as you are clueless as to what is the ‘in’ thing right now for them or what kind of clothes they want to wear.

I guess I can always not buy anything but somehow, being Christmas and with the feeling of festivity, I don’t think we should deny the kids any gift, right? Maybe in another few years time, we can just get together and stop passing around gifts that the kids won’t like anyway.

So, what do you usually buy for Christmas for the kids, especially those that are older?

I was chit-chatting with a fellow mom today whose son is my son’s classmate in kindy. She is living with her in-laws and on those few occasions that I was at her home, I noticed that there is rarely any word spoken between her and her in-laws.

Being curious, I just asked her today if they get along. She said that there are no arguments but they hardly talk to each other as there is nothing much to say. Which brings me to this question and that is, how many people are actually close to their in-laws.

I think that parents will always have this feeling that their kids’ spouses are not good enough for some reason or other. It doesn’t have to be anything major to trigger dissatisfaction. All it takes is just a feeling that you can do more and treat their son or daughter better. Maybe it’s that protective feeling that one naturally has as a parent. That you want to see them happy and treated well by their spouses.

The thing is most in-laws will have both good and bad things to say about their kids’ spouses. Even my own mother-in-law has complaints about me. She doesn’t tell me directly but she will tell my husband and perhaps, her other kids. Since I don’t live with my in-laws, I can’t really say that I’m bothered about her complaints. It is nothing serious and I have realize that to preserve harmony with your in-laws, you just have to ignore their complaints. Never take them to heart and you will have a easier time dealing with them.

One other thing is my husband will come home and tell me what his mom said about me. Out of respect, he will entertain and listen to what his mom tells him and then, he will laugh over it with me later at home. I guess when I’m a mother-in-law next time, I too need to beware of this type of situation. That my own son may be laughing over my complaints about his wife when he goes home to her. I guess the lesson being if your kids are basically happy with their spouses, you are better off keeping your mouth shut!

My husband was mentioning to me the other day that his eldest sister is a little dumb. The reason being she tells everything about her married life to their mother. To him, he feels that there are certain things about one’s spouse that shouldn’t be told to other family members. Going by his logic, quarrels and dissatisfaction between husband and wife should be kept private between the two people concerned.

Well, in my sister-in-law’s case, she is not having a particularly happy marriage. There are a lot of problems between her and her husband. So, each time there is a quarrel or disagreement, she ends up telling her mother because she calls her often to chat. What happens then is my mother-in-law begins to see only the bad side of her daughter’s husband. Remember these are only one-sided stories from her own daughter because the son-in-law are not there to defend himself.

The problem is when you already dislike someone, each subsequent negative comments that you hear about the same person would only strengthen your dislike. Therefore, every complaint from my sister-in-law now about her husband would naturally attract anger from her mother. Furthermore, it is difficult for a mother not to side with her own child in any dispute.

The result? My mother-in-law ends up making the problem worse by pouring fuel into the fire. If your mother agrees with every bitter word you say about your spouse and adds in her own negative comments, don’t you think you will be even angrier with your spouse?

So, that is why my husband has this opinion that his sister is a little silly to tell everything to their mother. Close family members, especially parents, have the capability to influence your thoughts. To tell them all your marriage problems and complain about your spouse could potentially hurt your relationship because of the negative comments they may make that can influence your emotions and thinking. In other words, they can stoke the fire.

I know a lot of people do have much to share with their parents and siblings. The question is how much about your spouse and marriage problems should you reveal to those closest to you?

Tell me this. How often do you eat together as a family when it comes to dinner? When I was young, I remembered that we ate as a family every other day as my dad usually comes home by 6 or 7 pm then. The only times that we ate dinner without him was when he had to go on outstation or overseas trips.

I guess working life then was less stressful and there was also less traffic jams to contend with. Comparatively, these days I noticed that most families hardly have dinner as a complete family because of work commitments. For instance, it is not uncommon for my husband to come home late from work and this means at dinner time, it is only me and my son at the table.

The only time we can have dinner together is during the weekends. I think this is pretty common in many households nowadays. Most people now need to work harder and longer to earn a living compared to the easier working life in the past. Not many jobs these days can allow you to go home at 5 sharp and even if you have a right too, you’ll probably can’t for some reason or other.

So, if you can have everyone together at the table for dinner on most days, consider yourself lucky. I think having dinner together can be a quality family time and to me, it brings back memories. But for my son, he just doesn’t seem to be able to have this luxury nowadays.

Let me ask you this. Does your husband or boyfriend have this habit when it comes to shopping: Go directly to the shop that sells the item, buy it and then head back home?

My husband certainly does and often, he will tell me that he doesn’t understand why I need to go from shop to shop or browse through countless stuff just to buy one single item, especially when that particular item doesn’t cost all that much.

Actually, I don’t really like shopping to begin with but even then, when I do need to buy something, like a pair of shoes, I would want to look around. Comparatively, my husband would have a pretty clear idea of what he wants and where to buy it. Hence, he would go straight to that particular shop, browse through that few models and decide from there.

So, when I found this picture here, I thought it certainly describes my situation very well.

Do you feel the same?

Related Posts:

1. Wife Swap
2. Having the Right Number of Kids