Mom.Dad.Chat

What are your expectations when it comes to your kids’ academic performance? As parents, it is only natural that we want our kids to succeed academically but how much pressure is too much pressure? In many families, parents’ pressure on their children’s education can be enormous resulting in highly stressed kids who are constantly afraid of disappointing their parents or facing punishments for grades not achieved.

In Hong Kong, many parents actually sit with their kids daily to do their homework with them as well as revision when exams are near, especially for those kids at the primary level. Parents are also fond of buying extra workbooks for their children and many are also sent for private tutoring for subjects such as Maths and English because this is a very competitive society that values scholarly achievements.

I do believe that some kids thrive under pressure while some are just plain lazy and a little pressure will actually motivate them to perform. But I also think parents need to recognize that not all kids are academically inclined. Not all kids are fast-learners. Not all kids can excel in a broad range of subjects taught at school. So, setting realistic expectations and pressure level based on each child’s personality and interest would be more rewarding in the long run for both parties.

Over here, I always ask my husband why Hong Kongers like to push their kids to score high marks in ALL subjects? I mean how many of us are wired in such a way that we can excel in both Math and Chinese, for instance? Moreover, I have friends that were much smarter than me back in school but they are also struggling in a 9 - 5 job like everybody else now. So, are our kids’ high scores worth it in relation to the parental pressure that we may have subjected them to, when grades will have little bearing on whether we will succeed in our working life?

Having said that, unfortunately, I’m also a conformist. And I live in a place that have this mad rat race whereby everyone heap some kind of parental pressure on their kids to succeed academically. I don’t want to but more likely than not, I would have to. Just not too much, I hope.

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Chinese weddings can be very elaborate affairs if all the traditional practices are strictly followed. Nowadays, many couples do away with quite a few of them but for modern Chinese wedding customs and traditions based on the old ways are still largely followed to ensure a long lasting and happy marriage.

When a friend of mine got married quite a number of years ago, she actually adhered to many of these traditions. Not only she got her wedding date picked by the fortune teller but she even had an auspicious hour to step into the groom’s home. Well, the Chinese do have precise calculations for all sorts of events based on the lunar calendar as well as taking into account the person’s date and time of birth.

On the eve of her wedding, she also did the ‘combing hair’ ceremony. For the benefit of those who are in the dark, this ceremony is done for both the bride and groom separately at their respective homes whereby a senior relative who leads a good life (usually someone who is happy and wealthy with grandkids) will comb their hair 4 times with each having a special meaning. Suffice to say it is to signify a happy and long lasting marriage with many descendents.

On my friend’s wedding day, she was shielded by a red umbrella as she left her parents’ home as the opening of the umbrella also represents many descendents to come for the groom’s family. And in the groom’s home, the bridal bed was decorated in red with sweets and some traditional candies on it. A little boy was made to jump on the bed to signify that she and her husband will be fertile and quickly produce an heir.

The above are just a few of those traditions that she followed. There were others as well but guess what? She left her husband 2 years later. Of all my friends, her wedding was the steepest in Chinese tradition and custom and yet, hers ended the earliest and in bitterness.

That’s the funny thing about the Chinese (including me) sometimes. We tend to pick auspicious times, follow all the traditions and trust everything symbolic because we believe they will give us an edge in making things work. But do they?

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Couples living together before marriage nowadays are no longer an exception but a norm. There are many advantages of living together before marriage but due to personal, cultural or religious reasons, many people also choose not to do so. There are certainly disadvantages as well but at the end of the day, it really depends on each person’s comfort level to decide if cohabitating is the way to go.

Personally, I lived with my husband for about a year or so before we got married. Prior to that, we were already a couple for about 10 years. By then, I knew him inside out but still, the experience of actually being cooked up with him in an apartment for 7 days a week, 365 days a year was a little different from just being a dating couple. For instance, I knew he tends to wake up in the middle of the night and watches TV on some nights but when I started living with him, it annoyed me greatly as I’m a light sleeper. I suppose although you may undertand your partner well, you won’t really know whether you will be able to stand all those annoying little habits until you live with him.

So, the advantage of living together before marriage actually gives us the opportunity to iron out all these little quirks between ourselves. Furthermore, when I finally decided to get married, the year of living together meant that I knew what I was getting myself into and what to expect from my partner.

The disadvantage of cohabitating before marriage is that there was no excitement and that magical feeling when I finally tied the knot. For all intents and purposes, I was already leading a married life but was just lacking a certificate to make it all legal. And people have also mentioned to me that living together without getting married also makes a relationship a little flimsy as the final act of commitment is missing.

Whatever the pros and cons of living together before marriage are, I still like the idea of cohabitation. Of course there are no guarantees but I’m that type who likes a little security of truly knowing the person before marrying and not too fond of surprises. I guess it all boils down to what we are after out of the relationship and what we can live with when it comes to such an issue.

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After reading the Good Wife Guide, it would certainly be interesting if there is also a Good Husband Guide out there for our perusal. Nevertheless, the qualities of a good husband would have also changed according to the times and nowadays, being a good husband does not just mean bringing home a paycheck every month.

During my grandfather’s time, a good husband is someone who was responsible towards the family and this centred on financial support for the wife and kids. A husband was not expected to clean, cook, babysit or listen to the woman’s complaints. Even for my dad, this is also largely true. He did not need to lift a finger to help my mom and yet, for his generation he is still considered a good husband because he provided for the family.

But for today, my grandfather or even my own father may not necessarily make good husband material. Tell me who would want a man who just eats and never helps with the dishes 365 days a year? So, as women become more educated and have the ability to support themselves financially, the money factor is no longer the only consideration in determining whether a man will make a good husband. 

Instead, apart from being responsible, the qualities of a good husband today would include the willingness to listen and communicate, share the house chores, be understanding and affectionate, and make an effort to bond with the kids.

But if the wife does not work, is a good husband still expected to do some house chores? Funnily, my mom and I are both stay at home moms but the failure of my husband to do the mopping during the weekends would give me a reason to sulk while my mom would never expect my dad to even pick up a feather duster. I don’t know why; maybe the fact that I’m educated but sacrificed my career to care for our son gives me the right to be treated as an equal and demand more out of my husband than my mom ever could out of my dad.

Well, I guess husbands these days do have it tougher. No wonder my husband always tells me how he wishes he could behave like my dad and just puts up his feet on some days. Perhaps it’s a sign that I, as a woman of today, is demanding a little too much out of a husband?

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For many of us who blog hop, I’m sure you have come across blogs that are monetized and blogs that are not.

So, the question this weekend is:

Do you think inserting ads and writing paid posts will cheapen the value and look of a blog?

For last week’s Weekend Q, please click here.

Do you consider yourself as being a good wife? Of course, there is this list of qualities of the good wife that makes an interesting read from a magazine back in the 50’s but we have certainly come a long way from that. Husbands today do not expect wives to take off their shoes or arrange their pillows so, what makes a good wife now?

If the attributes of a good wife include keeping the house neat, being a good cook and raising obedient children, I think I would never qualify to be one. My place is always a mess with toys strewn all over the floor, I make edible but tasteless meals and my kid is not one who sits quietly and allows you some peace. On bad days, I even argue and give my man a good scolding.

But nobody, including my own husband, have complained that I have been a ”bad” wife. So, I guess a good wife nowadays has nothing to do with how proficient she is in house chores or how to act timid but more of how she could relate, talk to and understand her husband on an emotional level. And with the concept of equality today, I think the qualities of a good wife would only come to the fore when complimented by a good husband. It would certainly be pretty hard to be a good wife when you have a lousy husband at your side.

By the way, I came across this definition of a good wife posted (cynically) in a discussion forum by someone who goes by the name of Fluene:

“The good wife : Someone who never nags, capable of cooking a meal out of nothing, never spend the husband’s money, obeys the husband no matter how ridiculous the request is, has the face of an angel, body of a devil, has the ability to disappear into the thin air or appear at once with the click of the husband’s fingers, a 24 hour maid and prostitute, agrees to whatever the husband say or do, etc.”

Well, could that be men’s secret wishlist after all, no matter what century we may be living in?

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Nowadays, it’s such a challenge for parents to get their kids to listen to them. Even pre-schoolers are giving parents such a headache because more often than not, they do not seem to show the willingness to comply with even simple instructions. So, parents do need to learn how to talk so their kids will listen well.

Therefore, I have scoured the internet and came across this article which suggested the following ways in getting young kids, especially, toddlers to listen:

• Get on her level
• Be clear
• Follow through quickly
• Reinforce your message
• Give warnings
• Give realistic instructions
• Motivate
• Model good behavior

The above certainly seems like very good advice and I know I need to follow most of them soon. Currently, I have to repeat myself at least 5 times before my son even CONSIDERS complying. Although he is only 2.5 years of age, he is already showing the propensity to tune off to what I have to say.

At the rate that I’m going, I think I’m fast becoming this long-winded mom with an incredibly high probability of turning into a nag. Do you think you are on your way to becoming a nag as well or are you there already?

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