Jan 09 2008
The Cheating Spouse
What would you do if your husband is having an affair? And do you think you can read the warning signs of infidelity in a marriage? The internet is actually full of resources about signs that your spouse is cheating on you but chances are, you wouldn’t be looking up on this topic if you do not suspect anything amiss in the first place.
I recall that I once had a colleague whose husband was having an extra-marital affair with someone he met through work. For a year or two, my ex-collegue was totally ignorant to the fact that her husband has strayed. Everyday, she struggled in her 9-to-5 job and then rushed home to take care of her 3 young kids. Her husband would give the excuse that he needed to do overtime to go home late on some nights and as an unsuspecting wife, she accepted his excuse without question. Looking back, she said that she was oblivious because she trusted him completely and that she never ever thought her husband would do such a thing to hurt her.
When she did find out (someone actually called to let her know), life became a living hell for her for the first few months. Her husband asked to be given some time to leave the other lady but they never completely broke off. I remembered that each time she came to me to pour out her feelings, I would tell her to leave her husband. Get a divorce, I would say. But she always told me that her man may be a lousy husband but he is a good father and her 3 boys totally adore him.
When this story happened, I was still in my 20’s and single. Telling someone to get a divorce seemed so easy then and I couldn’t understand why was it so hard to walk out on a cheating husband. But now that I’m married with a kid, I’m able to see her perspective of things and understand better her predicament.
Your comments? What would you do if you found out that your spouse is having an affair? Would you leave him or hang on like what my ex-colleague did?
I will definitely for sure asking for divorce, but like you said, it all depend on situation…..might giving him another chance like GOD said…..anyway, for sure, my heart is ‘dead’ for him liao…..I do see lots of married man, like to have extra marital affair even tho they know it will hurt their wife/family…..just don’t understand why….don’t think will trust my hubby 100%
If I found out my hubby was having an affair I’d like to think I’d up and leave, but honestly, I just don’t know. That’s a tough one!
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Id tell him to hit the road
Id never be able to trust him again
what would stop him from doing it again
and its not only the fact that hed played around hed also have lied about it
and in my case Id think he was such a hypocrite
as this happened to him before in the past
jen’s last blog post..Things That Start With the Letter ?J?
one of his girlfriends was caught playing around with another man
jen’s last blog post..Things That Start With the Letter ?J?
I definitely see her perspective but if I caught my hubby cheating the marriage would be over. Realistically I could not get over that - I just couldn’t.
Don Mills Diva’s last blog post..Oh for crying out loud
I think that’s one you don’t know til it happens. I know what my hubs would do, though. He’d leave me, just like he left his first wife.
In college, an English professor once said to the class that infidelity in a marriage is a symptom, not the cause, of an unhealthy relationship. That struck my young mind and stayed with me. It is true, though. There’s no room for cheating if you are really satisfied…. At least that is what I hope.
Interesting question…
i will leave him…besides it’s not the end of the world-i can live without him..
sweetiepie’s last blog post..Ashop Commerce
I will get helped and consulted first before i really think of divorce. just can’t simply say divorce when you have kids along.
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I’d like to think I am strong, and I’d like to think I’d just walk out of the relationship with dignity.
But one night when I dreamt about him slept with another lady, in my dream I broke down uncontrollably.
I now know I am weat in this. I might ask for a divorce, but it might not work out after - I’m sure other people would step in and advise this and that, and finally influence our decision at last.
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I really believe when a spouse cheats there is a reason behind it.
I think many times people cheat because they do not respect their partner and they are not happy with their relationship.
I personally do not want to be with anyone who does not respect me and someone who is not happy being with me. So, if I ever found out my hubby was cheating we would be over. No questions asked.
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Great topic in here. But at the moment i can not think what will i do if my hubby have an affair :(( Btw, you wrote about “off topic here” about my last post at my blog. I don’t quite understand what do you mean ;D will you explain little bit to me. Thanks
hmmmm…this is a tough decision to made.I think we have to make it when it’s really burn us..Said is always easier but until the person is ourself,then we all have different way to tackle it..My neighbour’s hubby cheat on her and he have another dotter with his GF..She is going for divorce him this summer but her 3 children are really sad and it ’s effect their school work..Her son have to go to school consulting,he depressed bcoz his parents going to divorce..After seeing her decision affect her son ,she didn’t go thru her divorce.They still stick together not bcoz she have feeling for him other but bcoz of their children..She loaded and hate him..but what can she do at this time..Her hubby didn’t come home often ,he stay with his mom is city bcoz of his job,so that work well for them..Now she was have a incureable illness in her brain..you see life is not fair…she in her early 40…just waiting for her time to come..so we must appreciated our life,don’t take it granted..
Divorce is inevitable, unless I have my fair share too *wink wink*
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This is tough one; for me, I would say I will leave him.
He has made his choice…if he loved me and know these were the consequences (engaging in an affair and for so long!!), he has clearly shown me that he is more interested in the other lady.
It’s sad and I know really hard to come to this decision, but the damage and wound is there…and it’s going to be a scar.
Why lie when they know it’s gonna hurt us?
Why wait until we find out to break up with the other?
What if we never find out, he will cheat forever?
I don’t think I can trust someone like that….
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Here’s a thot, when a man strays, it may not be entirely his fault. *pls don’t throw rotten eggs at me* LOL
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My answer is simple. If I do not have any children, then divorce him. If I have children, then hang on until my children is old enough to support themself and see if the divorce thoughts still persist.
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When you have children the decision isn’t always so straight and simple because not only are you someone’s wife, you are a mother. When you are a mother you always have to think of the wellbeing of your children first and ask yourself this question “Can the marriage be saved?” If it has hope, you have to work hard at it for the sake of your children. If it can no longer be salvaged and staying together is a pain, then its better to divorce because the children may be happier with happy parents living apart then with unhappy ones living together.
I didn’t always think this way. Previously, I thought that I would pack my backs and leave no matter what but now I have kids and seeing how happy they are with their father, it would be a tough decision to do that if their father strays. Its not always so simple.
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without kids, I’ll definitely say divorce … but with kids, one has to think about the kids.. maybe they should talk it over and see what’s the reason for the straying… if’s something they can work out, then they should give the marriage a chance.. if not, then maybe opt for a temporary separation too see how things go?
Sting’s last blog post..A Job In the Skies
Divorce? That’s too easy. A painful death is better. Children deserve a happy house most of all and what is more important than the sanity of their caregivers?
I would never know. He has always travelled so much — it would be easy. I just have to trust.
Emily R’s last blog post..Child after my own heart
That’s a tough one. And I don’t think anybody can say FOR SURE what they would do unless they were actually faced with that decision.
If there are no kids involved, I think it’s a lot easier to just end things. But with kids involved…what’s better? To have the parents in a ‘fake’ relationship just for the kids, even though the kids can feel the tension and know things aren’t right? Or to end things between the parents and TRY and stay ‘friends’ so kids’ lives are affected as little as possible??
Who knows?!? There’s no easy answer to this one, I’m afraid.
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I continued a relationship after an affair - we were not married, but had invested time and energy into this relationship…I stayed with him for a few more years, till it all fell apart and I realized it had never been good…so, from past experience, I have no patience with men who have affairs. I am confident I would kick my hubby out - and file for divorce very quickly - but, who knows, in the heat of the moment…I may not, as I have never, ever loved someone like I do my hubby!
yet another good question to get us thinking! Thanks!
Laura’s last blog post..A love-hate relationship
looking at the kids, maybe I will juz hang on and give him another chance if there is still love from him …
Martini’s last blog post..A Visit to KL Aquaria (20th December 2007)
Was just wondering of that friend of yours and her husband did go on to work things out, for sometimes couples hang on for the sake of the children. But unless the husband cuts off that tie there with the third party, I think it’s going to really hard to salvage the marriage. And from a woman’s point of view, I do feel it very much for the wife.
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I would hope I had the courage to kick him out in the beginning before it got ugly. And I say hope because I am sure in the beginning my pride would get the better of me making me feel worthless. But once I came to my senses, which I know I would, I would leave and never look back.
I’d like to think that I’d leave him.. I guess you never really know what you’d do about a thing like this until it happens to you.
tanya25m’s last blog post..I Want To Get High
Oh he’d better run because if I ever got a hold of him, he’d wish he was dead. Cheating is something that I would never put up with.
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I would forgive him and move on, as long as he swore he’d never contact her again. Honestly I don’t think I’d really care a whole lot.
Marie’s last blog post..I’m breaking up with Matt Damon
That is so hard for me to honestly answer, because I know my husband would never ever do that! I may sound naive, but it is something I just know.
I guess, if he did, I would probably leave (since I live in a town with his family) and move back to my hometown. I can’t imagine ever being able to forgive.
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B4 I had kids, I told myself that if I ever catch my hubby cheating on me, without any doubts I will leave him. But now that I have 2 kids and 1 on the way, it’s really not easy to go for a divorce. My gals love their daddy and I really dont want them to hv a broken family. Tough decision to make, really.
shireen’s last blog post..Ah Yat Abalone Restaurant
I really don’t know. On one hand, I would want to leave him but on the other hand I think I would bear with him for the children’s sake. It’s really difficult to be rational when the time comes.
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[…] triggled by Tot’s mom’s recent post on cheating spouse, I remembered a lousy dream I had many months […]
Leaving a married is not easy, I guess it depends on how much crap and disrepect you can take. Last year about this time I moved out while my ex-fiance was at work. I kept cheating on me and I couldn’t take it any more. On the same day that I found out he belonged to an online dating service, I used my tax return refund to put a down payment and first month rent on an apartment. Once I was approved one week later, I waited until he went to work. I called off sick that day from my job. I hired movers to move only my things, which took only two hours. Afterwards the move, I went back his place to clean it. Then I left the keys and cellphone (which was on his account) on the dresser and never looked back. I started my life over again and now have peace of mind.
All I can say is divorce is a not a good thing, especially if you have kids. I have a cousin-in-law that is going through divorce for years and yet to be finalized. Her daugther now is 5 years old, and she started the divorce process when she was 1yr. It was hard on the little girl as she has to divide her time between her father and mother. And a toll on the mother too as she has to travel a few times a week to pick the girls up from the father’s house. I think as a little girl, they may raise the questions why their parents are not living together and many more. Well, probably stay together for the kids would be best (depending on the situation).
whoisbaby’s last blog post..Failed cupcakes
i don’t know what’s wrong with me…i’ve always have thought on this topic though i don’t actually have any hint/symptom that huby is straying….
my thoughts:
i think i would stay on with d marriage…legally (not getting a paper divorce) but without the life of a married couple (separate room for example)….that’s for d sake of the kids….i don’t want my kids to grow up without their dad which they happened to love so much…..UNLESS if i eventually find someone to replace my straying huby & i want another marriage of which obviously i needed to divorce my ex then !!
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IF YOU ARE NOT IN THOSE SHOES YOU COULD NOT SAY WHAT YOU WOULD DO. I SAID I WOULD LEAVE IF I CAUGHT MINE CHEATING AND A YEAR AND HALF INTO HIS AFFAIR I AM STILL WITH HIM.
I’m so sick and tired of hearing crap about married people. You’ll make me so sick. These women married to these cheating men are so stupid, they make dumb comments like Your going to have to get another woman and when they say stuff like that they put ideas in these dumb men mind to carry out a relationship with someone other then them. Married people need to communicate more instead of trying to bring other people into their hell. they should think about what they are doing to the other individual and what pain they may cause them. If you don’t want to be with someone why marry them in the first place.
I found out my husband of 17 years had started an affair with a work collegue.
I would have never ever beleived that he would do something so hurtful to me or the kids.
The affair had been going on for 2 months when I found out. He is a lorry driver and was taking his supervisor out in the van on her nights off. I threw him out of the house straight away. He showed no remorse and carried on the affair for another 2 weeks until she chucked him. He then became very apologetic and constantly pressured me into trying for a reconcilation.
I said I would never have a cheating husband back but 3 months later after constant reassurance that he was sorry and seeing a marriage consellor he moved back in and we are still trying to repair our relationship some 6 months later.
I feel that my life is still on hold. Although he has tried everything to reassure me that he wouldnt do this again and that he made a terrible mistake the pain is still eating me up.
He still has to see this woman at work sometimes He has looked for another job but nothing matches his wage and it would mean losing the family home if he took a drop in wages. For a short period of time are relationship was better than ever but now my emotions are more in check I keep asking myself have I done the right thing and I still do not know.
I know I could not hurt the children again by making their dad go. I still love him but have lost something in our relationship forever and although he is trying his hardest, nothing seems to be enough.
From a mans point of view. I dont know what to do. I just found out my wife of 18 years is cheating on me with guys she is soliciting from adult chat rooms/services. We were married very young and have our share of problems. But I NEVER thought she was this type of person. Honestly - I do not even recognize her. I mean..she is sending dirty pictures of herself to these strangers not 10 mins after they meet online.
I have 2 great kids and I have always taken care of them. My wife always complained about taking care of the house, kids, whatever so I just stepped up and did it.
Now she threatens to divorce me take the kids and make me be a part time dad in a run down apartment (which is all I can afford after paying support)
So for now I am trying to stay ‘for the kids’. but honestly this is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do. Yes my heart if broken, but what is harder is having to look my wife in the face knowing what she is doing and still support her.
I have been seeing a married man for a year and a half. It is not an easy situation and is painful for everyone involved. His marriage is over, and has been for the last three years. He is there for his kids. His wife chooses to look the other way and keep up a facade. Sometimes in life we do not choose who we fall in love with…married or not. It just happens. I do wish that people could be more honest though. If you keep a lie going for too long it just gets worse and worse, and one day ths whole thing will backfire in his face. He has just not realised this yet. I feel that it is much better to be honest with your signifigant other..just tell them, that it is over. This way the can get on with their life, and have the love they deserve. As for the kids…they grow up much better living with honest parents.
My husband of seven years just told me that he was “attracted” to someone at work. After some extracting he admitted he has been having an affair and “can’t stop thinking about her.” I have known something was amiss in our marriage for quite some time, but I was completely blind-sighted by this even though all the signs were there. We have children and both are the products of a broken home. When there are kids involved it is not so easy to just pick up and leave, even when everything in you (especially your pride) is screaming at you to do something, anything. I have never been so hurt, but I am also angrier than I have ever been. I have been suggesting marriage couseling for sometime to which my husband responded as if the idea were ludicrous. I do know that no matter what happens the only way we are going to be able to move forward on potentially working it out is if I have my own daillance. If I don;t make us “even” (as if that were possible-his blow will remain the most severe because it was so unexpected) I will hold this over his head forever.
I would leave him. It has nothing to do with the kids. When he was cheating did he think about the kids. His act was against me. He hurt me not the kids. His kids will always love him. but most of all i will always love myself more. There is nothing to work out. Move on and get over the fact that he cheated. You as a woman is worthy of a truthfull relationship. I will not stay in a marriage and become bitter or change the way i feel about relationships because he cheated. i dont think that women need to subject themsleves to that. It has nothting to do with the other woman. It has to do with you the wife. When does it become and affair and start being a relationship? To me an affair is a month or two a relationship is 2yrs and change. please let it go.
I was married to a man who had repeated affairs with several different women. Every time he was sorry when he got caught and every time he promised the Sun and the Moon and the Stars if I would just give him a chance to prove that he loved me. HA! Then I finally realized he wasn’t sorry he did it, he was, however, very sorry he got caught. Well, finally after 25 years of that crap I left and he just “can’t live without me.” He will never change. If a man cheats he’s a cheater. Move on. I stayed for my kids too and now that they are grown and have their own lives they are cheering me on to a new and better life. I’m working on my self esteem (which takes the biggest hit) and trying to move on. Remember: A leopard can’t change his spots!
Haha ^^ nice, is there a section to follow the RSS feed
My husband is always going hunting, fishing, or just spends most of his week-ends at the ranch with friends. I have always trusted him. He works hard and I always believed this was his way of relaxing. I never questioned him.
Well, one time he came back with several condoms in his hunting backpack. While looking for something he lost, I accidentally found them. I was shocked, because we don’t use condoms. I had a hysterectomy 8 years ago.
When I asked about the condoms he looked shocked, was angry that I was going through his things, and simply told me he did not know how they got there. Another excuse was that maybe one of his friends put them in his backpack as a joke.
I can’t proof anything, but well what do you think??????
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# Lindaon 27 Jun 2009 at 6:05 pm
My husband is always going hunting, fishing, or just spends most of his week-ends at the ranch with friends. I have always trusted him. He works hard and I always believed this was his way of relaxing. I never questioned him.
Well, one time he came back with several condoms in his hunting backpack. While looking for something he lost, I accidentally found them. I was shocked, because we don’t use condoms. I had a hysterectomy 8 years ago.
When I asked about the condoms he looked shocked, was angry that I was going through his things, and simply told me he did not know how they got there. Another excuse was that maybe one of his friends put them in his backpack as a joke.
I can’t proof anything, but well what do you think??????
I was cleaning our bedroom and rearranging the room. I tore the bed down to move it and low and behold he had an empty box of condoms stuck under the box springs and bed rail, with one pack left unopened in another. Never used them in 14yrs. I asked why do you have these ? He said, just to have them lol. Yeah, ok. I found enhancement pills in his glove box of his car lol, I found another pkg of condoms in his dresser drawer underneath his junk box. I found sex oils in the garage in his toolbox lol. Funny how he always went to the garage before and after work. When he’d come home from work I’d kiss him and make sure I’d sniff the upper lip. Need I explain why ? Didnt think so. If you have suspicions, you’ll find away to find out the truth.
I’ve been having an affair with a MM for 6 mos. It wasn’t intentional, it just happened. He’s been married for 36 yrs and I for 21. He’d been my first boyfriend when I was a kid. After some 40+ years we met up again and it began after a lunch we spent together. A week later we had lunch again but it was like an unwritten message, there was an intense attraction. A month later I began sleeping with him. We would go on “dates” so it wasn’t always about sex. However, we seemed to be sexed starved though. My husband had always been a totally selfish lover and certain things just turned him off. No spontaneity of any kind. Sex must be planned and showers taken until squeaky clean before sex was even considered. With my married lover, anything goes. We never spoke of our “significant other”, as we both understood that this would run its course at some point. We became so involved and fell in love so deeply that it became painful for us both not to be together. When we’d begun seeing each other he and his wife had taken a huge loan against their home which they finished paying for 5 yrs ago, to complete the house they were building in another country where they vacation 4-5 times a year and where they will eventually retire to. My whole day begins with him in mind, waiting for text messages and phone calls that always come. She works evenings so we spent quite a bit of time together. But on her days off, I rarely hear from him and that hurts. He tells me that for the first 15 yrs in their marriage he was an alcoholic and was almost never home but she put up with it and his womanizing. Then when he finally sobered up and decided to throw in the towel, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Although she is okay now, he feels that he is paying the “debt” of her not walking out on him all those years he’d spent in a drunken stupor. They’s been ready to “hang it up” just before her illness but then when she was diagnosed he couldn’t walk away. She’s found emails between us, the private cell phone he purchased for our contacting each other was discovered and the fact that we’d been intimate. He says she’s been tolerant because she blames herself for neglecting him sexually. She will pay more attention to him and changed her night shift to the daytime. I know I got to touch his heart and soul but I haven’t heard from him almost 2 wks now and it is painful. I know its the best thing for both of us, its the void that has been left behind that is killing me. I’m depressed and cry all the time.
Anyone who gets involved with a married man will eventually go through this insufferable, immeasurable pain. So ladies, please run the other way as soon as you learn he is taken. The longer you wait to leave him, the harder and more painful it will be. Take it from someone who knows.
I agree with you Mari, in the end it all just causes terrible pain….. for everyone!
I am married and was given more than a 2nd chance to save my marriage and it’s kinda wierd as although I have always trusted my very dependable husband, I learnt to feel jealousy from the lover that I was with for so long, it’s embodied itself into my life, but it works for me. I actually needed a man who made me work hard for his attention and I learnt to do this with my lover unconsciously and now all the insecurities have surfaced in my marriage too. I thought that because my husband was faithful, he was “boring”. I was utterly wrong. We are finally able to tease eachother about infidelity and fear without it impacting on our lives. The lover that taught me to feel insecure and scared of loss, also taught me how to be gracious about it. Maybe a Leopard cant change their spots but we are not leopards and are capable of change if we desire the change. My lover is someone I miss everyday and is never far from my thoughts and I am not asked to hide my sorrow, but my husband stands beside me and when I look at him, I realise I admire the strength he has and he can give me his strength to be faithful if I let him and I do. If he ever leaves me I wouldn’t blame him but I shall work hard to make him happy because it makes me happy if he is too. I dont know if I shall ever see or hear from my lover again, but if I do, I will at least be the person he fell in love with, only with a knowledge of my need to carry a shield when I am weak with attraction.