Feb 18 2008
How to Get a Married Man to Leave his Wife?
Quite a few people actually land on my site through the query ‘how to get a married man to leave his wife’. Let me try to provide some answers to this interesting questions based on what I have witnessed with people around me.
In one of my previous posts, The Cheating Spouse, I mentioned about an ex-colleague whose husband had an affair without her knowledge for a year or two. To get the husband to leave his wife, the mistress got a friend to pose as a good samaritan and called up my ex-colleague to spill the beans. Every other day after that, this “good samaritan” would ring her and tell her every little detail of what her husband did with the mistress, e.g. the dinner they had or the movie they saw. This person claimed she had all the details because she is a colleague and friend of the mistress but was uneasy about the relationship and felt it was morally right to report it to my ex-colleague.
Cruel and well-thought out tactic? Definitely! Imagine as a wife, you are being fed all the romantic activities of your husband with another woman. It would have worked if not because of the kids. Anyway, my ex-colleague found out the “good samaritan” was a fake when she felt the details provided became too private and intimate and she began doing some checkings on her own.
Another method that I have heard of for getting a married man to leave his wife is to drive a wedge between the two of them. This may require some time to bear fruit but it involves gradually brainwashing the man about his wife’s inadequacies and weaknesses. Some mistresses also work hard to get the man’s mother on her side. After all, it is always useful to have an ally in your man’s mother than have her as an enemy, especially when she still have considerable influence over her son.
Lastly, there is the ultimatum, ”It’s either me or her.” There is no sneakiness here but it’s a gamble. Nevertheless, at least there will be a clear cut decision and one can then get on with one’s life after a decision has been made.
The above ways are just methods that I have seen and heard women used to get their lover. I’m not condoning such actions but then I also realise that people get involved in extra-marital affairs for a variety of reasons and it would not be right for me to condemn and be too judgemental. But my thinking is if a married man does not have the courage to leave his wife after some time in the relationship and you have to resort to sly ways to get him out of his marriage, then he is most probably not worth having. Don’t you think so?
P/S:
I think this topic is close to the heart of many who commented here. I have seen some writing their long stories here to express how they feel. So, I have decided to start a forum on being the other woman and you can go there to read and share. That would be a better and a more complete place for this difficult topic.
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I definitely think so!
Husband who has extra marital affair that could not choose whether they should leave their wife or not is definately not worth keeping.
Amidrin’s last blog post..My Most Embarrassing Moment
I completely agree with that. Hands-down!
MamaGeek’s last blog post..Guess What
For me, I think if he could have an affair with the mistress, and leave wife for mistress, he will definitely will have another affair with another woman when he marry the mistress…..man habit hard to change…..that’s for sure.
i agree with u too
I think so too! Here’s another trick I see in the movies, get pregnant! If he is childless with his current wife, chances r high for him to leave her for the mistress who’s pregnant with his flesh n blood.
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I have always believed that if a man would leave it wife for you, then he might very well leave you for someone else - right?
Hope you had a great weekend - see you soon. Kellan
yeah, i am really agreed ! and, i quite ditto with what Mamajo’s point of view.
huisia’s last blog post..We?re back
“Definitely! Imagine as a wife, you are being fed all the romantic activities of your husband with another woman”. I wouldn’t be able to stand it
wen’s last blog post..From my bookcase
I believe in karma… do good and you’ll get your rewards.. do mean things and you’ll also get what you deserve.. time will prove so..
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How you get a man is how you lose a man my grandmother says…
Once a co-worker did that with my best friend and I. She wanted to be friends with my friend, but didn’t think it would be possible if I was already her friend. Monogomous friendship? Weird. So she started saying stuff to my friend about me. At first my friend would laugh with me about it, like “OMG would you believe Myrna actually said you did such-and-such? Does she not realize I’ve known you since 7th grade? What retard?” But she kept it up, and over time it really did work.
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I definitely think so - and I think the new lover will pay for it in karma because they will never have trust…
Don Mills Diva’s last blog post..Making the most of Family Day
I agree with Kellan, if a man can leave the wife, he can leave the mistress anytime too.
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Seems to me that you would have to be a fool to go out with a married man in the first place.
what if the married man tells you that he was separated but when you get pregnant he told you that her wife came back, what do you do? do you still have an affair with that man for the sake of the baby?
Men don’t leave their wives for the whores they fuck
men don’t want to marry whores they just want to fuck them
I am in this very situation currently. I am seeing a “married” man. I know him very well and I know his wife as well. They were seperated when I started seeing him. She has recently moved back in due to the fact neither one of them could afford at the moment to have a place of their own. She is back in the house to help pay for bills that they both have aquired during the marriage. They have already seperated the property and each knows what the other is taking as soon as they can divorce. Is this a situation that is still wrong to be involved in? Possibly. I know for a fact that the wife has seen other men- and I know this because I saw her with them. (during the time she was out of the house- she was living 2 houses away from me with a family member of hers) I don’t have the heart to tell him that I saw her with these other men and he doesn’t want her to know about me and him because it would cause major conflict being that 1 she knows me and 2 he and I work together and it could cause major conflict with our jobs even though our boss knows about it. Co workers are in complete support of our relationship and tell us all the time of their support.
So is this a cheating relationship or just one thats starting out with a lot of issues needing resolved?
K. My situation is messed and I don’t know what to do. I had a affair with my best friends husband. They have 3 kids. She was cheating on him too. I got pregnant and told him and her so she found out. I lost the baby soon after but within two weeks of her funding out and telling him she would make him pay if he cheated again. We started messing around again. I’m now leaving in 2 weeks to go visit some friends in the states and am worried that when I get back there will be nothing. I love him. What should I do? He is not the type for ultimatums other wise he would never have considered starting shan with me.
I am in a relationship with a married man. He was my first boyfriend, he left me, married another, had 2 kids, left his wife for me, left me…. after living together for 2 years. Married another. We got back together just before he got married to the second wife and have been having this affair ever since. It is now over a year. She is pregnant. He says he will leave. He says its practically over… he is still with her. We own a business together. we spend every available moment together. What do I do? Will he leave her and then leave me for the hundredth time. Why cant i move on.
Sounds familiar. My best friend is having an affair with a married man and now she is due to have his baby in January. They have been seeing each other for 2 yrs now. He says he is staying with his wife, but still wants to get together with her and get his rocks off. He told her to get an abortion, which she said no way. She would never do that. Good for her. This man has been with his wife for 30 yrs now, married. He has 2 kids, Marin and Gavin, both adults, ages 30 and 28. He says he is staying with his wife, so he does not lose his businesses, the way his current kids will feel about him and his friends he has, and his reputation. He is a CEO of a couple major companies in Minneapolis, St Paul. I think the wife, Susan should be told and I want to tell her. My friend just keeps seeing him hoping he will choose her and it is tearing her apart. He is dragging her down. He does not even want anything to do with the baby. Should I anonymously get ahold of his wife and tell her everything her husband has been doing? Lori
For anyone else this guy may be doing this too, his name is GL Hoffman of Minneapolis, MN
Married men, not an easy road. I collided into one about a year ago and now I’m writing a novel about it.
I understand that some married men will cheat and use women as the very poor term “Booty-Call,” but their are many cases in which people will cross over due to a remarkable thing called true love. People get married for the wrong reasons sometime and this is the result.
Now the waiting game is interesting. But, remember if he really loves you then the waiting should be together regardless of the outcome.
- RR
To: “The Rabbit”,
I feel that I am in the relationship that you described. My boyfriend is currently married to someone because she became pregnant. That child is now 8 years old. He is a good man, loves his son very much and is afraid that his wife will fill their son’s head with terrible lies about his father if he leaves her for someone else.
We have been seeing each other for a little over one year. We are always running into each other in public. We see each other when we can. I really love this man, he is good to me and others that surround him. His marriage is loveless and he wants out. He has told me that he loves me, but I have not told him yet. I have a fear of telling people that I love them. It seems that every time I do, something bad happens. Like its okay for them to say it, but if I say it, they freak out. SO, I just keep it to myself until I feel its safe to say.
I am willing to wait on him, but I don’t feel like I can do it for the rest of my life. I am 30 years old and I have a 10 year old son by myself. I would really love to have his companionship for the remainder of my life, but I don’t know how to tell him that I need him to take action soon without making him feel that I am forcing him. That’s the last thing I want to do.
Shaz: run like hell…
well i for one am having an affair with a married man now…and to be honest the time that we do spend together is just great. but when its time for him to go home it just pisses me off!! and i cant stand it. i have been dealing with this man for almost four years and i am to the point where i just feel as though i cant take it no more. you know for the longerst time i have been hearing that he is gonna leave and he just needs time, how much more time do you need is what i be asking…and he says just bear with me baby. i love this man to death. i have never loved anyone the way that i love him to be honest. i became pregnant by this man and i had a miscarriage. and i think that was all the work in the Lord…because as i look at the situation i dont think that child should of been brought into this situation. and then the more i sit back and look at the situation its like ok him and his wife have children together and if he cheated on her after 11 years with me, why would it be any different with me? even if he was to leave her for me, they have children together and yeah he would be sleeping with me every night but when he goes to see his children whose to say that she wont then be the other woman?? i dont have time for it. it hurts like HELL but i am in the process of pulling myself away from him because to me its just unhealthy and it causes me too much stress… and then i think when it is time for me to get married will karma come around and bite me in the ass… i dont want that either… it is a hard choice to make and everyones situation is different but in my situation i am just gonna back off and eventually the pain will go away hopefully….and if its meant to be then he will leave her anyway and then come to me and maybe we can try to have something together. the love i have for him will never go away and there will always be a spot in my heart for him. and ladies the worst part about it is that his wife knows about me and him and she wont divorce him…how funny is that?? yeah hilarious
Same boat here except we are both married. We have been seeing each other over a year and a half and I love him. I have never felt this way before and it’s killing me and I hate it. It started off as a “friends with benefit” thing and then I founf myslef trying to get him to love me but why? Mostly I believe to make myself feel good and help out my self esteem. Anyways in the process I get married even though he asks me not to, I mean why would I not get married? Just because he told me not to? Would he leave his wife for me? Most likely not so whats the point? So now I’m in this marriage and he’s married and we are in love… he tells his closest friends he is, why would he do that? He does everything and anything to make me happy but he wont leave… but he will throw the “Someday” out there and I hate that. How should I get away from this?
both were in a married state and we fell in love with each other online, meet many times and had happy life on the other side even though he was 35 yrs elder to me , suddenly his wife found out and he stopped even talking to me , I am not able to get out of this. his wife and children know about the situvation, now i am divorced and i dont know what to do life seems to be ok with him how do i go pls help. i am not able to forget him.
Cutie Pie:
You sound just like me. I want to end my relationship, but he is good to me and we are best friends. We talk about everything and anything. He just won’t leave his wife. He has told me that he was going to leave her, but then after looking at his financial status that involves her, he just can’t. They have three children that are under the age of 8 (three boys, one 8 and twins that are 3) He makes a lot of money and we are both afraid that she will take him for everything he is worth (financially speaking). He is worth more money to me than anyone could ever offer, but I can’t keep myself in this situation forever. I am a human and I have human needs and being part of an unfulfilled relationship is not one of my dreams. I date other people, but they just don’t measure up to him. On my dates, I find myself thinking about him and how much better it would be if he were with me instead of my date. However, I need to move on…
you need to run for you life! this man has to be a loser to lie to you and his wife. God sees all
I just relocated from New York to South Carolina i rented an apt close to the army base bcuz i got a job there. I met my neighboor who was very welcoming who told me his was a divorced army seargent. We had instant attraction immediately and we cant keep our hands off eachother. Now he tells me it was a mistake lets b friends and neighboors. Why would he say that? Its spring break and his wife and kids are here. So he lied and I cant leave him alone. Mind u I see him @ work everyday and he breaks his soldiers into my building 2 eat. What luck is that. I cant help it I know its lust not love but I want him, but I know I cant never have him but I cant let go. Then he knocks on my door a couple of hours b4 the wife and kids came and I went 2 his house and slept with him in the bed he shares with his wife when she comes 2 visit. Even though it felt so good I feel so bad. The 5 days the wife and kids have been here are hard 2 deal with, but I’m holding on. Help please!
Wow. All your stories are all the same. You are all just about the dumbest bunch of low lifes I can imagine.
Grow up and get some self respect. These men are all assclowns and you are just naive skanks.
Sounds like meme has a husband cheating on her…
Listen, if you are married and you treat your husband like he has no other choice but to be married to you, then he’s going to test the waters in other places. Men do not want to feel like they have to be somewhere. They are creatures that are bred to roam, but if they “need” you, they will stay. You have to act like you can live with or without them and they will stay.
However, men need nurtured. It comes from the time the detach from their mother and begin to take on the likeness of their father. Think about it. When boys are little and their mother tries to hug them, they squirm like a snake to try to get out of their grasp. But if they didn’t get the love and affection they need, they wouldn’t develop properly. Grown men are the same. They act like they don’t need the love and affection, but if they don’t get it, they will stray from the home and seek it elsewhere.
Here’s a tip: STOP HAVING AFFAIRS WITH MARRIED MEN.
Here’s the thing, he might claim to love you, he might spend a lot of time with you, he might actually have some genuine feelings for you. That doesn’t change the fact that he’s STILL GOING HOME TO ANOTHER WOMAN AT NIGHT.
And to the dumbass who suggested getting pregnant in order to make the man stay with you? YOU ARE BENEATH MY MENTION. How dare you suggest using an innocent child as a pawn in your selfish games?? How do you think that child will turn out being raised by two idiots who are only staying together for the sake of the children? The kid deserves better than that, and I pity your own children for being raised by someone with priorities as warped as yours.
Please think of the future when sleeping around with married men.What goes around will surely come back around and ouch it’l really hurt.
Vintagegirl: You have a good point. Karma is a bitch and it will come back to a person. The married man that I have a relationship with is in a decision making process right now. I have left him alone for the past 6 months, but he continues to call and check on me periodically. I felt it was best to leave him alone and let him make his decisions without me in the picture. This way I don’t feel responsible. Actually, I have never felt like I was a “home wrecker” because he was the one that approached me first and I avoided him for a while, but he was persistent. I have not been leading him on, but we do enjoy each other. I believe that it is an “emotional” relationship since we are not very physical. We cuddle each other and talk A LOT. I guess I’ll just give it time and let it run its course, but in the meantime, I date other men. I don’t want to feel that I have wasted time waiting on someone to make a decision.
C230…going through a VERY similar situation.
My fiance broke up with me on my birthday. I was absolutely devestated, as anyone would be. I later found out that he was seeing someone else. After taking a few days off from work to get myself back together, I came back to the office and sent some emails to some of my clients about me being back at work. I sent one to a client of mine that I had a pretty friendly (but VERY innocent) relationship with. I felt, somehow, that it was so easy to talk to him and I ended up confiding in him and getting advice from him. He would make me laugh and, ultimately, helped me the most in getting through the horrible heartbreak I had just experienced. *It is important to note that I had never met him in person or knew what he looked like.*
One day, he told me that he had been going through some bad things as well. I told him I was there to listen b/c he had listened and helped me so much. He told me that his wife had left him about 3 months prior, and that she moved out and got her own place. He said he was unsure if they would ever get back together b/c it was such a suprise she would move out to begin with.
I lent him a sympathetic ear as he had done for me. We became very close through all of the confiding we did in one another. We would make each other laugh so much…which felt good for the both of us, considering what each of us had just been through. Our friendship had become a strong one. And at that point, that’s all it was, a friendship.
We began to call each other when we were not at work…and text each other. We started emailing through our personal email accounts then also. We would tell each other about our lives, our pasts, and things we dreamed of for the future. We have so many things in common, and there was never a moment where we didn’t have anything to say.
Over time, we began to flirt innocently…(*again, this is all still through email/texts/phone. still have not met in person*). We decided that we would like to finally meet. He lives about 4.5 hours away. He came to my town and we planned to meet for dinner. As I walked to meet him at the table, I saw his face and, instantly was completely overwhelmed. We both were pleasantly suprised to find that we were attracted physically to someone we were already so attracted to mentally/emotionally. We sat for hours that night, just staring at each other, with the biggest smiles on our faces. We talked about how we felt about each other. How close we had become. How it was as if we had known each other forever, even though we had just seen each other’s faces for the first time. We hugged for what seemed like half an hour without letting go. There was an intense bond there that we both realized, but neither one of us understood.
We spent six hours together that evening and then he had to head back to his hotel. We did not want to let each other go. I felt like I was losing the happiest feeling I had ever felt when I watched him drive away.
After that night, my life changed. We both realized the heartbreak we felt when we said goodbye. We exchanged emails/phone calls/texts confessing to each other how we felt, getting to know each other more deeply, and falling in love.
And we did. We fell in love.
I saw him again and it was then that we kissed for the first time. After we kissed, I got into my car, waived goodbye to him and began to cry. I have never cried after kissing someone. The emotion I felt (& feel today) for him is an overwhelming love that I have never felt before.
So, after all this. I get a call one day and he says his wife wants to try to work things out. She says she wants to go to counseling. I tell him, as hard as it is for me to say this, you should try to work on things with her. I said that if I was ever to be with him, I would want to know that he woud fight for me…and in order for me to know that, I have to know he fought for her. I told him I did not want him to have any doubts if he should have worked on his marriage if he was ever to be with me…and that we should do things the right way…try to see if his marriage is worth saving, and if it doesn’t work then we will have given it the best effort possible.
So he did, he went to counseling. Where my mistake lies is that we still talked to each other during that time. We were both very honest with each other. I would still go on dates with other people…and I would tell him I was. He would tell me about the counseling sessions and how things were going…even if he thought it might hurt my feelings…he told me he still loved his wife…and it was hard. Him and I said I love you to each other at this point. So he still loved her, but had fallen in love with me. We had many emotioanl conversations where we both were crying and so confused about the whole situation. This has been the craziest roller coaster.
So, in order to try to give a second chance to his marriage a 100% effort, she moved back in with him. Him and I decided we would not talk so we could do the right thing. A couple of weeks into her living back there, he broke our silence. He wanted to talk. He professed how he could not stop thinking ab me and he wanted to see me so we could talk about what decision should be made.
I agreed. I was just ready for some closure, either way. Of course, I was so torn apart when we were not talking, so it made me so happy to hear he wanted to finally discuss a resolution. He came to my town, stayed with me, and we had the most fun, romantic time together. We made love for the first time.
When it came time for him to leave, we both cried and he said that he was going to tell his wife about his feelings for me. He got home later that night and said that he was sitting on his porch and became upset. His wife asked what was wrong and he told her about his feelings for me. She begged him not to leave her, crying, and said she loved him anyway. I felt so horrible about this and told him that I should let him go.
I have just had a lot of bad things happen recently in my life and he says he wants to be there for me, even as just a friend, in my time of need…at first I thought it would be ok…to have him as just a friend. Then, I thought about it more and I realized that if he has me as a friend…he will never know what it is like to miss me as more. I am going to cut all ties with him so, if there is ever a chance of us being together, i will not have the guilt of ruining a marriage hanging over my head…and to make him, hopefully, miss me as much as I miss him. I am in love with him and I cannot picture life without him. And I know, from the failure of my engagement, how easy it can be to marry the wrong person. But, I would only want him to realize that on his own…without any influence from me. If he loves me as much as he says he does, he has all the influence he needs to make a decision.
I am not sure if my story can help any of you guys relate…I found this site looking for others going through something similar…hopefully my story can help someone else know they are not alone.
tornapart: I still have not contacted my friend. I have not heard from him for a few weeks. He works a very busy job and I know its hard for him to contact me when he doesn’t want his wife finding out. I totally respect him. I just wish he would make a decision. Its hard to wait…
It’s just like reading a magazine about relationship problems…
Your recent post brought me here to this interesting topic…
Out of the above comments, I couldn’t agree more with mars
“Men don’t leave their wives for the whores they fuck
men don’t want to marry whores they just want to fuck them”
I know some married man even have 2 seperate familiies, first wive with kids, and mistress with kids…. “running two seperate engines at the same time”
Some men are just like that… when it come to relationship, they don’t know where to draw a fine line…. till they got stuck inside..
Most of the time, it’s not the mistress fault, it’s the wife attitude with the marriage… most men couldn’t stand wives that nagged. complain argue and have little respect for the husbands…. they find comfort elsewhere…
I am an outsider….. and i prayed hard not to stumble into any difficult relationship one day….
have you written anything about,
“HOW TO KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE?” with real life situations?
LA:
I agree with you in your statement about the wife’s attitude. I am not a harsh person, nor am I a nag or a bitch. But, I am finding out that it is not doing me any good to be a nice person. Think about it…how many women do you know that are true bitches to their husbands? I can think of about 7 right off the bat, just in my circle of friends. But, they are married and I’m not, so they must be doing something right by being a total bitch to their husbands. Meanwhile, I don’t see the husband doing anything to promote this treatment. I actually feel sorry for the guys because they have to hear it day in and day out. I can barely stand visiting my friends when their spouse is home because of the nagging. I don’t understand why women that treat their men this way manage to keep them and I treat my boyfriends with respect and don’t expect anything from them, but I get dumped all the time! The only man that has been a constant in my life for the past year and a half is my married boyfriend! A lot of good that does me. His wife is another total bitch. She doesn’t even make $25,000 a year and he makes $200,000. Yet, she gets a brand new $600 purse every other month, a new pair of $400 sunglasses every few months, always buying expensive shoes, a new hairstyle with coloring every time I manage to see her, and she just got a new Toyota Sierra (yep, the big huge SUV) for hauling the kids around when she all ready had a SUV that was perfectly fine! She gets all of this for nagging him, treating him like a slave in his own home, throwing things at him, hiding his CPAP machine that he has to use for sleep apnea because he could lose his breath in his sleep and die. This woman has manipulated him from day one of their relationship. She managed to get pregnant when they had only been dating for 5 months. He didn’t want to marry her, so when the baby was born (he’s 8 now), she wouldn’t put him as the father on the birth certificate until he married her. A few years later, he told her that he wanted a divorce. They went to counseling and were specifically told by the marriage counselor not to get pregnant. You know how it is when you’re trying to work things out…well, she stopped taking her birth control and got pregnant again to keep him from leaving her. This guy is stuck because his wife is a manipulative bitch and he would give up if it weren’t for his kids. I have to give him credit for not abandoning his family, but I don’t know how he takes it.
Married men are a tricky one.
First of all, I know plenty of married men who have “left their wives for the whores they fuck”, because they fell in love with that person and their first marriage was not working and had not been working for a long time before the mistress even came into the picture.
Much of the time men fuck other women because their wives won’t fuck them. Can you really blame a person for seeking intimacy elsewhere when his/her partner is not providing it?
That said… men leaving their wives for mistresses is the exception.not the rule. I do not advocate a relationship with a married person. Sure it’s hot and the attention feels great…and the illicitness of the situation can be an aphrodisiac. That said if a married man pursues you test him. tell him to call you when he is single. do not give in to his emotional fuckwittage. If you stay firm and maintain your dignity, he can only respect you. If he is not happy in his marriage it is his responsibility to do something about it, not your responsibility to make him feel better about his bullshit situation.
Like I said, I know a great deal of men who had a better time with their second wives, whom they often met when they were married
But a mistresses one control over the situation is to not give into him. By all means give him a taste, especially if he has been chasing you, but then shut it down and be firm about not being the go-to girl.
I agree with Jerah. I have been seeing a married man for 8 months…. we fell in love, unintentially. I am going to spend next weekend with him since his wife will be gone and make it the most wonderful time ever. When the weekend is over I intend to tell him goodbye… not an ultimatum, not asking him to leave his wife, but that I cannot be with a married man any longer.
I have resect for myself and values and morals that have gone by the wayside and I want them back. I will miss him no doubt, but I need to go.
Perhaps someday he will get divorced and look me up…. if it’s meant to be it will be, I love him dearly.
After acquiring a new job, I recently moved 1000 miles away from everyone and thing I knew. After about 6 months of getting situated and being lonely, I met an older married man. At first, we just talked politics and played pool. Our relationship grew. We have been having a liason for 7 months now. We travel, laugh, enjoy life and he spends the majority of his time with me including holidays and weekends. I havent approached him yet on leaving his wife. He respects her but is not in love with her. Per mutual friends, their relationship has been very distant for years, they have nothing in common. They vacation separately, so basically she left the door open and I walked in. As far as karma, after being divorced twice, i think if 2 people get along well, have mutual respect and are in a loving relationship that bad karma isnt part of it. Of course, i would prefer that he not be married as i have never been in this type of situation. He is kind, considerate, helpful around my household and spoils me rotten. I am his comfort zone and he is mine so there is no stress or hassles. I am independent and am with him because i choose to be. Period. At this point, how sensible is it to expect anyone to leave everything he has worked for in 30 years over a 7 month relationship? We are just starting to get to know each other. Will keep ya’ll posted.
a few thoughts…
a man can only be manipulated if he allows himself to be
and some woman dont care to marry again…
i am all for giving a new relationship time but i think some type of timeline is a safe way to explore things without turning around someday and you are 60 and still dating a married man… i am giving my relaitonship with my married lover, one year… that should be plenty of time … decisions will need to be made by both of us
susan, i admire your strength in giving up. i have been seeing a married man for the past 5 months. his wife is away a lot sometimes for a month at a time and we just clicked. despite still being young, i came out of a 6 year relationship last year and thought that i had had my shot at love and that it just wasn’t meant to be, but this guy means more to me in that short space of time that my first love. i can’t explain it, but i really think he is my soul mate. we connect on so may levels, i just can’t explain it. he has been in my situation years ago and despite getting hurt decided to start something with me. he was married less than a year when we started and despite saying he is happy with his wife, i think the connection we share is deeper than the one he has with his wife and he has confirmed as much. we stopped after a couple of months after us both developing strong feelings for each other, yet here we are again back together. i think in my mind i’d rather have some time with him in the way we do, than non at all, or just as friends. i would like the opportunity to make things work with him, but i don’t think i could ever ask him to leave her. i believe in fate and i just hope that one day it works in my favor and i get the opportunity to make things work with this guy. i think we were just unlucky that we met when the circumstances were not right. sometimes you can’t help who you fall for
Well, I read all the responses and see points of those in the relationships and those harshly accusing them of being (I am not going to repeat the bad words used)…
This is what I know and a little bit in a dilemma I found myself in… Would be happy to hear perspective from you ladies…
1. My best friend dated a married man for 4 years. He did leave his life and married her (he had no kids in the previous marriage) and was always in love with my friend. At their wedding he gave a speech and told everyone that if he was a smart man, he would have married my friend to begin with, but family pressure and expectations led him to the wrong decision… I never felt comfortable with knowing women dating married man, and then something happened to me…
2. My story: Last December, through a business contact of mine on plaxo, a man wrote to me… I didnt respond. He wrote a few more times after that over the following 2 months. It was nothing sexual, just hellos and happy bday, and referring to my business colleague… little by little we developed a penpal relationship over the following 4 months. I never knew he was married; he never mentioned it and I never asked. We found in each other someone who was always willing to listen and share things with, so we grew close. After 5 months of exchanging emails that were becoming more romantic, I found out he was married and immediately stopped talking to him. For a month after that he emailed and texted, begging me to listen to his story… One day for a reason I cannot explain, I said OK, I will listen. He told me he was 21 when the girl he didnt know for very long got pregnant, and he married her because he lives in a very catholic country, and being in the airforce academy and being taught about honor, etc it felt like the right thing to do. He said he accepted his reality and loves his daughter very much, but there was never any real love with his wife. His daughter is now 15 and he never lived with his wife and daughter for more than 2 weeks at a time for the past 16 years, because he lives on base in a different city, 4 hours away… He told me that he didnt plan on having any feelings for me, but found drawn to me (have I mentioned we have never actually met at that point)… he begged me to meet him and give us a chance to get to know each other… he says he wants to change his life so that he and I can be together. we both feel that we are soulmates but we have never been intimate with each other because I keep putting that off… he calls, emails, textes pretty much every day, even when he is spending weekends with his family or is on vacation with them… I dont know what to do… I am torn between our feelings and the sense that he should not be with his wife because he doesnt love her and not because of me. I am not a homewrecker and I didnt seek him out… he found me and persued me relentlessly… and he still does… we are meeting in 2 weeks in Europe and I feel I have a decision to make… but I still dont know what that decision should me…
thank you for letting me vent… I have been going quietly mad here… good luck, ladies…
Ellit62:
The best advice I can give you is go to Europe with an open mind. It seems most of us that are involved with a married person, did so, unintentionally. I had moved far away from everything I knew, was lonely and he had been in a loveless marriage for 30 years… our relationship grew from there.
I am sure that most married men and woman that cheat are just looking for sex on the side but then some, for whatever reason (money, business and children), choose to stay in an unfulfilled relationship and seek love and comfort outside of their “home” life.
I have found my companion to be the most generous, appreciative, loving man I have dealt with in my 48 years. Just take it one day at a time and also remember, this is not an easy choice for you but I can tell you that my life is richer since having my lover in it. Let us know your decision. Best wishes!
it is not an easy decision to make… i think most of us dont intentionally get involved with a married man. But i can tell you, my companion is the most generous, appreciative, loving man I have dealt with in my 48 years. And my life is richer because of him. let us know your decision.
i notice a lot of woman having liasons with married men make the soulmate comment… i am wondering if it is because married men tend to go so much further out of their way to please their mistress then he would with an average girlfriend or wife… so, in some way, because he is so anxious to please and the liason is free of everyday stress and worries perhaps this is what woman see as traits of a soulmate… what do you think?
now mind you, i feel my companion is my soulmate too! lol..
Well after lots of thought and reading some of your stories, i have ended my relationship with a married man. Yes it hurts like hell, but i do not want to turn into a manipulative person trying everything i can to make him leave his wife. He knows how i feel about him and although it is hard because i work with him 5 days a week, i think that sensibly i have made the right decision. i regret it every day and miss the intimacy, but i do still have him as a good friend and i would rather have him in my life that way than not at all, rather than become a horrid person trying to get what i want. Will i be happy, i have no idea, but at least everything will be on my terms now and i can try to move on. I do urge others to do the same, i know it sounds impossible, but in the long run i hope it will lead to more happiness. you may think that because i have been able to do this maybe i didn’t care as much about my guy, but you would be very wrong. if he said to me today would i run away with just him to the other side of the world i would drop everything, my job, degree, friends, family, all of it, i wouldn’t even have to think, but i don’t want to spend my life hoping he will decide its me he wants to be with because it really may never happen. Good luck ladies, and i still want to hear how you are all getting on x
Susan,
did you end it? I am hopeful to find someone who chose to walk away and feels it is the right decision as i am finding it incresingly difficult at the moment
Wow, I haven’t read this blog for a while. I’m glad to see more input on dilemmas similar to mine. I have also decided to discontinue the relationship with my married boyfriend. It is just to much to deal with and I want the life that I have planned. I want to be married to someone I can trust and have children with. My married man has three children and he doesn’t want any more.
I was heartbroken over my decision but I felt it was the right thing to do. I decided to put myself out there to try to find Mr. Right, but was not very lucky. After getting frustrated, crying, and turning in to a “man-hater”, I decided to pray about it. I sat down and made a list that contained the qualities that I am looking for in my idea of a perfect man and prayed to God to help me find this man. The next day I had an appointment with the chiropractor and his nurse mentioned that she knew someone that would be perfect for me. So, I gave her my number to give to him. He hasn’t called yet.
That weekend, a friend of mine invited me out to meet her sister and brother in law. We went to a place that I used to frequent, but stopped going because I thought it was a dead end for finding men. They were sitting at a table and I needed to get up and walk around. I stopped at the bar to get a drink and there was a beautiful man standing there all alone and he spoke to me. We spent the remainder of the night talking until 4 a.m. in the parking lot. We exchanged numbers, but I wasn’t going to call him. I wanted him to be the one to call me first, that way I knew that he actually wanted to talk to me. He has called me every day since we met and we’re going on our first date this weekend. He seems wonderful, but they all do at first, so we’ll see.
I think letting go of my married man opened the door for what I need in a relationship.
Forgot….I have also been getting phone calls from a few old boyfriends that managed to be washed out to shore, abducted by aliens, or were part of some secret government experiment. At least that’s what I think was going on since they never called me back after our first date. One of them had the guts to reveal to me that he realized what he was looking for in a woman and kicks himself everyday for treating me the way he did and not returning my call. What!? I think praying about my issue caused an abundance of men to scroll through their address books and seek me. However, I’m not going to have anything to do with them because they are obviously Mr. Wrong since they didn’t bother to return my calls previously. I am going to stand by my newest find and hope and pray for the best to come. FYI: he’s already mentioned that he sees himself getting married and he wants children! OMG, help me not to screw this up!
I never planned on seeing a married man. In fact, I never dreamed of what it would be like to see a married man… It just… happened. If I could turn back time I would, ’cause there is too much heartache for me to handle now.
We first met on my first day of work. So there I was, a function for 150 people, and me standing there like an idiot feeling like my stomach was gonna fall out my butt.
The next day the supervisor wanted me to take an order. I reluctantly did it. The supervisor put the order through the till. Guess what… she put the order through wrong. So there he is, my future fling man shouting at me. My second day at work, and I couldn’t feel more useless than I did just then.
Over the course of the next few weeks my work improved. Along with my friendships with other employees. Although I was only 17 at the time. I would still go to the pub. I would just get them to buy my drinks. In all honesty though, I didn’t drink alcohol. I didn’t want to. I just drank coke, and I was happy enough with that.
One day I had finished work earlier that expected. So we all went to the pub. While my friends got distracted talking to people they hadn’t seen for a while. I ended having a really nice conversation with the married man. Admittedly I began to like him, but nothing more that I friend. By the end of the night he gave me his number, but as it was getting late and my friends were coming back to the table, it was all rushed, so I clumsily entered the number 1 digit short. Although I didn’t know that until I tried to text him and saw the number. I thought “Ah, crap”
I spent the next week or so trying to finish work early just to complete the number. Eventually I got some luck (which doesn’t happen often). So about a week later I text him asking if he was still down the pub. He didn’t have my number, so didn’t have a clue who I was. His reply was “who is this?” I sent a hasty reply telling him. By the look of the text, he seemed happy that I text him, but I was sad to read that he had already gone home. We spent that night swapping text messages.
Over time we were texting every night until 2 or 3 in the morning knowing we had to be up in 6 or so hours. We didn’t care about the time, we were just lost in a world or happiness. The text got more and more intimate. Then they eventually led to picture swapping… Then, an arranged meeting. I still remember to this day, where he met me, what he wore, what he smelt like. Most of it was a blur, but it made me happy to feel wanted (I guess I have insecurity issues). After an hour later, he drove me home. In the care he explanned how he didn’t feel guilty cheating on his wife because his wife doesn’t love him, and hasn’t for a while. He said she was a person who wouldn’t let anyone into her comfort zone, that she was a cold person towards him. Always arguing with him over the silliest things. She hated sex, so she condembed him to a life of celibacy. Which first started around 5 or 6 years ago. Whenever he tried it with her before those years. The words she said to him would make him feel like he was raping her. So he physically and mentally gave up with her.
We would always end up getting the same days off together. So we would meet both days, then see each other for a further 5 days. So he saw me more that he did his family and wife. It made me happy seeing him a lot.
I tried breaking it off with him but, seeing him so upset broke my heart. My heart was broken from breaking it off with him anyway. So seeing him like that was the cherry on top off a perfect day. So our break up lasted maybe… 2 - 3 days tops. My lover had booked a holida earlier this year. My dad wanted to go on holiday, as we had not been on one for over a decade. by coincidence, it ended up being on the same week around the same area (about 40 miles apart). Two months went by of happiness only to find out that the place we orginally booked for was full… And the exact same location as my lover. I found this hilarious and immidiatly sent him a text. His reaction was quite a shock. Some people from work thought it was fate. Although, there was one thought going through my mind.
I was about to meet the woman who would kill me if she knew what I was up to with her husband.
That scared me a bit. I didn’t speak to her during the holiday. I did have a little bit of holiday passion with him. Seeing him with his family made everything sink in though. It made me upset watching him in his other life. I didn’t leave my room for 3 days because I didn’t want to get upset when I saw him. I broke it off with him again. This time it lasted around a week before I took him back.
After I recovered from the holiday from hell. Things got better but, I was still unhappy. In a moment of rage I created a fake, anonymous account and decided it was time to let her know the truth of what her husband was really like. I e-mailed her telling her stories that no-one knew about (so that kinda gave it away that it was me ^^;) All that effort backfired and kicked me in the face… She wanted to try and make things work. She would try to cuddle him, but he had lost all interest and pushed her away. We met up and sat on the bench we sometimes sit at. It was the first time I’ve seen him look rough, also the first time I’ve seen a man cry. I held him in my arms and cried too. It was killing me seeing us like this. I was crying everyday and was at suicides door. I tried to jump in front of a car to end it all but, that didn’t work. I was going silently mad with depression putting on a front to friends and co-workers, only to break down on my way home from work, and at home. It was slowly taking over my life.
My life began to be revolved around thinking of when he was going to text, when he was going to call, and mostly, when was he going to leave her.
Eventually the school holidays turned up… 6 weeks of not being able to see each other.
She had planned a holiday without him. So, we spent two night together. They were magical moments but, also stolen moments. I had to make the decision once and for all. I knew if I carried on like this I would make myself really ill. So, I grabbed my phone and sent the text to change my life.
I still look at my phone randomly hoping there is a text message from him, because I am sad like that. We also have got a holiday planned with each other. Only for a few days. I don’t know if I should go. I need to forget my feelings for him, and going on holiday with him might bring them all back. There’s no harm in going as friends, right? I don’t know anymore… I’m just so confused and wonder if there will be anyone in the world who can match up to him. we felt so stronly about each other that we considered each other soul mates. I knew he couldn’t leave. He has debts up to his eyeballs but, I carried on… So I guess, this is my fault, and I paying the price for it. Karma really does bite you in the arse.
I hope… for freedom from this pain
This is my story… My life… My dilema
Tornapart,
I have to say you hit it right on the button with my story. Although, mine has been going on for 11 yrs. It has recently come to physical intimacy for the first time this past june. I have to say Im terrified I will lose. He seems to be more positive about my not losing then I, but only time will tell.
I cannot bear the thought of his being with his wife. Only since we’ve been together in June. Ouch, it hurts tremendously. He says if it happens between them its certainly not often. I already knew this because we’ve shared many conversations. But, its the times that it could, or does that hurts. I feel guilty because I have no right to be hurt.
Girls! ya’ll are being way -way too hard on yourselves… the men are just as responsible for their behavior…actually, more so as they are the one’s in the marriage…
and as far as bad karma, i still think in this day and age if you find companionship and perhaps love, you are lucky… and i am old enough to know very few affairs turn out to benefit the “other” but you know, you live, you love and you learn… if things dont work out for me and my lover, i will move on and will NEVER deal with a married man again… we have been seeing each other for 8 months… i give it a year… if he hasnt made up his mind by then , he doesnt love me like i deserve or like he has professed… simple as that… we are still getting to know each other… …a bit of advice, which has worked for me… don’t make your whole life about your man…stay busy, dont make long term decisions that involve him and let him know that is your stance… i am straight forward with my man and he knows where i stand. I would hate to loose the companionship but keep active in society and see friends …and since i am not dead, i still notice other men. The other night, i was partying in a local pub and sitting with 5 males friends. Didnt notice but my lover had walked in for a beer. One of the five guys in the group asked me to dinner and i pleasantly declined, turned and saw my lover sitting at the bar. The look on his face was priceless, a sheepish grin. It was good for him to see that I am still socially active and admired by other men. He left with his friend after we exchanged a brief, pleasant coversation and was standing at my back door less than an hour later. And Latenite…why would you say you dont have the right to be hurt? of course you do… you cared for this man and a breakup of any type is hurtful… HIS LOSS. And just remember, you will move on and he will probably remain in an unfulfilled marriage that forces him to seek companionship and passion elsewhere. Feel sorry for him. He is stuck, not you.
Good way to put it. The man is stuck, not me. My date last weekend turned out to be great. He has called and text me every day since the day we met. I’m still trying to figure him out, but it looks hopeful.
My married guy asked me to go out of town with him for a few days, but I told him I couldn’t because of family obligations, which was partially true. I think it is going to be over with him because I told him that he needed to make a decision soon because he is losing me. He asked me to give him another month and get some things situated, like money and living arrangements. I don’t think he is going to leave her. There’s too much involved, kids, $$, family stuff. I’m going to stick with my new guy, he seems great and very caring and loving and he doesn’t have a wife and kids
Keep me in your thoughts!
Well i’m not as strong as i had hoped. i have started my affair with my married man up again. however i found it so hard giving him up and i think partly it is because i was seeing him every day at work, but fate has stepped in, i was offered a great new opportunity and a new job elsewhere which i have taken. i am really excited about it and i am hoping that not seeing him 5 days a week and not having those stolen moments each day in person will help me get my head straight. i think i need a distraction. i went out last weekend and had such fun with a guy and it made me think i don’t want my married man, so maybe i am getting somewhere finally thinking that he isn’t my whole world. i just hope that i can meet somone lovely to be with and that it will help me walk away from my married man for good. in the meantime i don’t have the strength to walk away so i will just do what i can. i really think my feelings will change with seeing him less as i am not a absense makes the heart grow fonder type person. one thing i havent said is that with my married man, he doesn’t want to leave his wife. a while ago i hoped i could change that but i seem to have accepted it and i think i now know deep down that maybe he isn’t for me long term, or if he is then fate will bring us together one day when we are both single. who knows, i just want to be happy and for now my time with him makes me very happy. i realise how silly it sounds and one day i will learn i’m sure xx
c230… enjoy the new man… you might be surprised at how quickly you will pull away from the MM.
meme… your opinion and heartless comments may better be appreciated at a different site… perhaps http://www.coldhearted bitch.com
sasha! great news about the new job…congrats! this may be a gond send! and the perfect way to put the MM “out of sight and out of mind”!
meant “god send” …lol
I was reading your posts and updates, and I must say I like your attitudes. It is very difficult to walk away, and yes if your the single one, your not the one who is stuck. Depending on the circumstance with the MM, and his home life…I mean if he is happily married, and has no intentions on leaving the marriage, and he just likes a little extra on side when wife is not available do you really think that is fair to anyone ? I say he’s just a snake in the grass. He’ll find someone else to play with, and in the meantime you’ll be building a new life of happiness with no other attachments.
Having ex wives knocking on the door and late night phone calls Im sure is no fun at all. I certainly wouldn’t want it. But it doesn’t mean Im not facing it in the future. Im rebuilding my life, and I have only texts and phone calls everyday to keep me in touch with the MM I love dearly, and a nice road trip from time to time to actually feel him next to me. The way I see it, yes , it is a lonely life, but I dont have to worry about interruptions and I don’t have anyone to answer too to hold me back like my ex did. Although, I know my MM wouldn’t hold me back from excelling in life, he gives me inspiration to do so. Relationships have been my down fall in life, and I always built my world around the man in my life. Well, guess what ladies ? Its a disaster waiting to happen every time.
Walk with your heads held high, and create your own happiness. Its the kind of woman every man wants ! Good Luck dear ladies. I’m rooting for ya !!
I am trying so hard to enjoy the new guy in my life, but there’s just something missing. We have only been seeing each other for about 3 weeks and I can’t help but to think he’s NOT the “one”. There’s just something about him that tells me to steer clear. He’s very clingy and I don’t know how to deal with it. I guess I’m just not used to someone being there all the time. He calls and texts me incessantly to the point where its a little irritating. I am used to someone being with me for a short period of time and then going back to their home. I guess its just a transition period. My friends tell me this is how men are supposed to be. They’re supposed to be attentive to my needs and shower me with attention. I’ve never had that with anyone and its freaking me out just a little… I guess I’ll just have to learn to get used to it. I’ll give him 3 months and if I’m still feeling this way, then I’m going to have to end it. However, I know if I end the relationship with my new guy, I will go crawling back to the married one.
My married man has some kind of sixth sense with me. Its like he can tell when he is losing me because he always manages to call and stir things up. He called me last week and we have not spoken for two months. This time was different than any other time in the past. He was telling me things that he had never said before and I was shocked. He loves me, can’t live without me, he’s leaving his wife, asked me if he could put some $$ away in my safe deposit box (no, he doesn’t have access), asked if he could bring a few things to my house. Of course, my answers were all “yes”. This should be an easy decision because my new guy has no attachments, no ex wife, no children, debt free. So, why is this so hard?
Its obvious “C’. Your still attached to MM. You didn’t give yourself enough time to move on, and this new guy is attaching to you. Be careful of the MM saying all the right things you want to hear. I wouldn’t take his words as written in stone unless he ’s standing at your door with suitcase in hand.
Spare the new guy, and yourself, tell him it needs to go slower.
Thanks latenitemom for the advice. I realize that I need to give myself some more time to move on. My new guy is very smitten with me and he makes it obvious by going out of his way to be with me. He is very polite and caring.
I know that I need to get on with my life and not take anything the MM says to heart, but I can’t help but to hang on every word he says. However, I’m not throwing my new relationship out the window for someone that has not committed to making a decision about his marriage. I have spoken to a few close friends that have endured this married relationship with me and they all say not to believe anything until divorce papers are signed.
MM is a great person. Our last conversation consisted of me giving him an ultimatum. I told him that I don’t want to be 50 years old and saying to myself “this is they year he’s going to leave his wife”. I can’t do that to myself. I told him that I need for him to make a decision and soon or I’m going to have to bail out. I promised him that I would be there for him and I don’t want to break a promise, but I can’t put my life on hold forever. He wanted me to realize that his job is stressful and I will have to deal with him going out of town sometimes. I know this. He stressed that I will have his children to deal with plus their mother. I am prepared for that. The kids are not a problem; they’re good kids, but the momma drama is something I will have to nip in the bud before she thinks she can take advantage of him. He is too nice. He lets her walk all over him.
AFter our conversation, he asked me to give him a month to figure out some financial stuff and find a place to live temporarily until everything is settled. The month is up on Sept. 19, which also happens to be my birthday. My stomach is a wreck…
Hey C230
good for you for giving him an ultimatum. It wasn’t an easy thing i’m sure but will hopefully work out for the best for you. ALll i can say is that i hope you stick to it if it doesn’t go your way. i know how hard it is, i caved in after giving mine up and i’m back at square one. i have my fingers crossed for you that it will work out. i know people not with a mm man will look at this blog and think we are awful for what we are doing or have done, but they just don’t understand. no one does till you have been in the situation.
Bayougirl- thanks for the message. i wish it had been that easy. now we don’t see each other we e-mail more and also talk on the phone, something we didn’t really do much before. i miss him terribly every day. i do have the intention of breaking it off soon, im just not sure quite when. i am away for christmas this year for 2 weeks so being realistic, i would like to think that i would end it before then so i can start the new year in a good place. we will see. i think i am just using him as a distraction in a way until i meet someone who can be there all the time, i hope so anyway or walking away eventually will be a lot harder.
keep telling your stories ladies and updates, they make me realise i’m not alone which is always nice to feel
Ultimatums are difficult. With them we chance to get the answers we don’t want to hear. We assume sometimes if we give them then things will work out the way we want, but remember for your own hearts sake, that you may still endure the pain of the answer you so dont want to hear. Prepare yourself for that. Your right, you shouldn’t have to put your life on hold. As women we tend to do that for the right love. Trust me, I share your emotional pain. I just can’t seem to let my heart out to try another relationship except with him. I’ve been hurt to many times, and My heart just isn’t up for that. I know I could really get slammed with this one, but I hold that hope. It’s all I have really. But I can move on should the time come. The lonely hearts club isn’t all its cracked up to be….it’s much worse.
i have a question for everyone, how often do you get to spend quality time with you mm? i’m just wondering if everyone is similar?
Hi girls…so glad to see everyone’s writing… this is a great support system for all of us!
Latenitemom: a good friend of mine gave me some advice when i got divorced 5 years ago, after 20 years of marriage. She said dont look at dating as a means to the end of being single… look at it as having fun… the less pressure you put on the man and you, the better chance you have of relaxing, having a good time and going with the flow. I think that is sound advice.
To answer sasha’s question: i see my lover just about everyday… we generally spend evenings together during the week and the majority of time on the weekend. He has been unhappily married for years and they really live seperate lives… last weekend we went away for four days… he didnt even take his cell phone. i realize this isnt the norm. Our children are grown, we have jobs that are very flexible and we live about 2 miles apart.
My answer to Sasha’s question: I only got to see my MM every 2-3 weeks, sometimes a month or two would go by without seeing him, but we were still able to speak on the phone.
Turns out that I didn’t have to wait a whole month for my ultimatum outcome. We had a really good conversation about our lives and where they are going and it all boils down to the fact that he cannot leave his children with his wife and her family. His in-laws are constantly bashing him in front of the kids (and himself), so he is afraid that they will completely turn them against him if he is not in the picture every day. HIs wife does not defend him. A good wife would never let people speak ill of her husband. He’s a good man and doesn’t deserve to be belittled.
We also talked about $$. He has a lot tied up in their home, vehicles, credit card debt, retirement funds, etc. and he just can’t risk losing it to her, plus paying over $2,000/month in child support. He would be destitute and without his children every day. He looks forward to going home to them every day. His wife was out of town for work last week and he said it was the best week he had ever had since they had been married. He didn’t miss her and actually started feeling depressed and sad when it was time for her to come back home.
He wanted me to realize that if things were different, he would be with me, but we both realize that this cannot happen…at least not now. He knows that I have been seeing someone else. We had our first date about a month ago and my MM knew about it then. The Tuesday after my first date with the new guy, MM called me to see how everything went. I found that a little odd, but he said he was just worried about me. He’s afraid that someone is going to physically hurt me, for some reason. He went on to tell me to be careful and if anyone tries to bother me or is mean to me, to let him know and he would take care of it for me. I don’t know how to take that. I guess he’s trying to let me know that he really truly cares for me and wants me to be taken care of whether he’s in the permanent picture or not. I like that he’s so protective, but how can he be this way with me?
He says that he just wants me to be happy and have the things that I need in life and he knows that he cannot give those things to me because he has family obligations in raising his children. Then went on to contradict himself by saying he wants me to be with him and no one else, but he knows that he can’t have both and allow me to be happy at the same time. The thing is, I could be totally happy with him, no matter what the situation is. I could live in a box with him and be okay.
Near the end of our conversation, he mentioned that he would be calling me periodically to check on me. He asked if I were going out of town over the weekend. I think he was just wanting to know if I had plans to go somewhere with my new guy, Mike. He’s so paranoid that he’ll lose me, but he realizes that his life won’t allow him to be with me and provide for me the life that I deserve. So, I guess we’ll just wait and see…
Bayougirl - You are very lucky. even though you are in the situation of being with a mm, you get to see the guy you love regularly and spend quality alone time with him. Very lucky indeed.
i changed jobs nearly 2 weeks ago and haven’t seen my mm since i left despite hearing from him everyday by phone and e-mail, and its killing me. i miss him like mad most of the day every day. it’s making me realise that more thn ever i need to get out of this situation. i’m only going to get myself in deeper. i even thought about finding a way for his wife to find out as i have all her contact details etc from my previous job, but i worry that it would backfire. they have planned somewhen late next year to move to another country and i wonder that if i pushed something like that he would suggest getting away from the uk sooner to save their marriage. he does love her very much, which is why i find it hard that he can carry on with me as he does and care for me in the way he claims to.i worry that in years to come i will still be wondering what if and wondering what could have been with us. how i wish i had met him when he was single.
C230 - i’m so sorry you didn’t get the answer you were hoping for, i can feel your disapointment, i really can. You were brave to do it in the first place. what are you going to do now? as you are lucky enough to have a new man, maybe see if you can use him as a distraction and eventually reliase that you can have everything you deserve with someone who will be there for you 100% of the time.
i have another question, from reading your stories, you all seem to have had previous relationships and marriages etc.
i am only 23. i met a guy when i was 16 and stayed with him for 6 years till we grew apart but still are good friends and have kept it this way. my mm is the only other person i have met who i have clicked with and thought i could be with you. does it happen very often? i’m worried that i may have thrown away my chances of happness now and there isn’t a bright future to come in terms of relationships.
hi girls… ok time for a little disclosure. i am 48. i have had probably 6 relationships as an adult that really mattered… i have been married and divorced twice. the first marriage was only a few years and i was 19…eloped and was pregnant with my son (whom i adore) within a few months. it didnt take long for me to realize i had made a mistake, my son was born and we divorced. He is now 27
and i wouldnt change that relationship as it gave me the joy of my life.
my second marriage lasted almost 20 years… as i mentioned before… we were like day and night so now that i am older, i have decided the old saying “opposites attract is bullshit” …lol … i am outgoing and social, love art, dancing, music and all he wanted to do was sit home, watch TV and surf the net. the sex was fine early on and once my son (who he adopted) found us as empty nester with little in common… we are still good friends, he will always be family and is remarried and calls frequently… after my second marriage ended, i promised myself to be free and open to romance and not to settle for anything less then what made me happy. i have had companions since the divorce… and they all remain good friends… but none kept my attention
my lover is 10 years older than me, short, balding , fiesty… nothing like i would have thought would flare my interest as my ex was much older than me as well… but “he” and i have been lonely, sexually frustrated and seeking great companionship for years and we have found it… we started as friends having a beer and an occassional pool game…and it grew from there… we have been straight forward, open and honest and our relationship has grown from there… i have been independent for a long time and i was actually afraid i would not be open to a loving relationship…
i would like to start referring to my lover as “R”. it is more personal. “R” and i laugh, dance, fish, travel, laugh, have the best sex known to mankind, argue politics and work on my little house together. We have a ton in common.
i got home from work today and “R” was at my house (i hide a key for him, didnt give him a key) had let my dogs out, had wine poured, music on and dinner waiting… now, how is that not the best ever? he knows where i stand and everytime i have told him my thoughts, concerns and fears, he keeps coming back. we are working things out. But girls, he has be in a loveless marriage for years, he never speaks badly about his wife, they dont argue, they just go their separate ways… he just says they never had passion, they had the same religious beliefs, dated for 2 years and it was time to marry and have babies… that was 30 years ago… and mind you, he is one of the finest men i had the pleasure to know and love… so we take it day by day and continue to grow closer and get to know each other better… last week, he brought his best friend to meet me, now he has told 5 friends about us… we go out in public regularly…
he meets all my expectations, if i share a concern or need he meets it as i do with him and he knows, since i am single, that i am with him because i choose to be not for any other reason. He has as much to loose as i do… but we look at it as… he has as much to gain as i do!
girls remember… you are single…which gives you the upper hand in a relationship with a married man… ya’ll are looking at it all wrong… move on if you aren’t getting your needs met… what is everyones age? i am 48… i see sahsa is 23… you are a baby! there are plenty of great relaitonships in your future honey!
i have been married and divorced twice…but the first marriage only lasted a few years and i was only 19… i know … eloped, dropped out of college… live and learn…
but i got my son out of the short marriage… and i adore him!
2nd marriage lasted for year…we had nothing in common …dont belive it when people say opposites attract… opposites are boring! lol we are still great friends though.
p.s. i had the best father you could ever ask for… so i know what a good man is… just wont settle until i find the my perfect match… and “R” my lover may just be it! time will tell… i have shared all my concerns, thought and fears with him and he keeps coming back and meeting all my needs as i do his…
i got home this evening from work and he had wine poured, music on, let my dogs out and was cooking dinner… wooo-hoo!
p.s.s. i meant to say the second marriage lasted for “years” …they need spell check on this site! lol
It wasn’t that I was looking for a specific answer, just looking for an answer…period. I think I will be fine with our last conversation. Since then, my MM has called to “check” on me. Really, I think he’s just worried that he will lose me forever. But, everyone makes their own decisions that affect their life. He has chosen to live an unhappy life with his wife simply because he lives in fear of what she might do if he were to leave her. If that’s the way he wants to live, then that is his choice. As for me, I choose to be happy.
My new guy is planning a little weekend trip for me. My birthday is the 19th of September (31 to answer the age question) and he knows that my favorite thing to do to pass time is handicapping thoroughbred races. So, he has decided to start planning a trip to a resort casino that is about 160 miles from our area. I am not used to someone making plans for “me”. In the past, its always been about them and never me. I felt like I was being smothered at first, but now I am realizing that he is just being nice and attentive to my needs and wants.
As far as my MM goes, I’m not sure what the outcome will be. How could I even know that anyway? He obviously cares for me, as I do him, but I just don’t see that it can go anywhere if he won’t make the decision to leave her. It’s driving him mad that I am seeing someone else and moving on, but he shouldn’t expect me to sit around and wait for his kids to be old enough to understand everything. I have a feeling that somewhere down the road, he’s going to come waltzing back in my life and turn it upside down. Depending on how my life is at that time, will depend on how I react. Right now, I’m trying to move on and get more comfortable with my new guy.
I wish I could say “The End”, but I feel like this is the end to the beginning.
Hi Ladies,
C I think your making choices that fit your need and that is great! I’ve walked down the isle 3 times, and I’ll be 45 the 14th, so Happy Bday C !!! I guess we virgo’s sometimes never learn lol. We do analyze alot, and we are nurturing. But we’re not unrealistic. Right now I’m just going thru the flow of things. I have so much on my plate and my youngest being 11, and Im an expecting grandma to be by the end of the month for the first time! My oldest daughter is married and starting a family of her own, and I have a son and daughter that are 13 mo’s apart. I’ve had my share of bad relationships/marriages and I had to make choices for the well being of my children. I’ve been the wife on the receiving end of infidelity, and I swore I’d never do it to another. I guess I didn’t swear with big enough words. So now I know whats its like to be on both sides of the fence, which allows me to have more understanding to the reality of it all. Although, after so long of a bad unhappy marriage you get to the point of well it needed to make or break sometime. My MM ’s youngest will be 17 so I figure if he’s going to leave that will give me time to put my own life on track from divorcing. The child support isnt much at all, and I dont get alimony because I wasn’t going to live that nightmare listening to the BS. The last 9 yrs of a 14 yr marriage was nightmare enough. The man was not a good provider, even though he went to work everyday, but he was very selfish to his own needs, and we all suffered for it. We have no assets, and I was left with having to start over from the ground and working my way up with 3 kids. My oldest will 17 and she’s having her own family now. She got married this July, and still attending school to get her diploma. Yes, its young, and I was floored when I found out last Feb., she was pregnant but I had to work through it, and I dont believe in abortion unless its a severe case. My daughter and her husband live with me and he has a job. They have a long road ahead, and I can only be here for moral support and to allow them to continue to put their life together in the right way. I do own my home, thanks to my mother. No help or give from my ex either. I had to go buy a newer vehicle, because i was left with one that was illegal, and literally falling apart. My ex ( a hydraulics mechanic) wouldn’t fix my vehicle but he’d fix his own. He still tries to get me to feel sorry for him cuz i have a place a to live, and told me I’d have to settle out w/ him. I laughed in his face. I have to rebuild my house into a home, from broken windows, broken doors, busted paneling, gutters that are falling off, and the list goes on. He wants claim to a house my gave as a gift, and was going to be my inheritance way before he and i ever met, and never put a dime into it ? Not over my dead body. It was beautiful when mother let us move in. Years of neglect will do that to a home. I ripped out all the carpeting this summer, which was only 5yrs old when we moved in. It was destroyed by greasy work boots and letting the kids run about with food and beverages while i was at work. No care. So you see ladies, Im a very busy woman trying to repair my own life, and expecting to welcome my first grandchild in my daughters life, plus raising two. What i thought was love, wasn’t. I know first hand what love is not. The man I married didnt have a pot to piss in when i met him, and he seems to think I ruined his life lol. So selfish. He just got divorced when I met him, and about 4 yrs ago she committed suicide from an ex husband that kept harassing her. My ex is very harassing. I asked if it was him harassing her, he said no. But after time has passed and Im living his ways after the fact, I think he’s lying about that. He’s very intimidating, and tries to manipulate. There were conversations i over heard him talking with his mother about his ex prior too her tragedy for many years. So case study shows I bet it was him. He did tell me when she did it, that well she finally succeeded with no heartfelt concern at all. I was the one that told him cuz i read it in the paper while i was at work. He may have already known, cuz he didnt seem surprised at all. This goes to show how heartless he truly is.
well things have changed my side. i saw my mm last thursday with others at a leaving meal from my old job. it was a little strange as its rare for us to be apart that long. after not seeing him i was starting to find some kind of strength that maybe i could and perhaps should break it off, however despite it being a little strange at first i also realised how much i had missed him. anyway friday night we ended up bickering and it turned into a big fight which we have never had before. i said a lot of things about the lack of attention he gives me and how hurt i felt sometimes with the whole situation. anyway i must have really got through to him because after a couple of days he said that he can’t do this to me anymore because he cares to much and he could see how much i was getting hurt and he ended it, despite my protests otherwise. deep down i know its a good thing, i needed to move on, but its been less than a year since i ended it with my long term ex and having my heart broken twice in such a short space of time is soul destroying, it really is. i hope this feeling gets better cos its pretty horrible right now
I will be divorced very soon but have been seeing a married man for 8 months. He tells me that he is planning on leaving his wife and I hope that he does, but for right now, I couldnt ask for anything better in a relationship, except that I wish I could see him more. He gets me, I get him and I have an incredible peace about the whole thing. I didnt get into this thinking I would ruin someones marraige, and In my personal opinion, HAPPY PEOPLE DONT CHEAT….Ive felt that way my entire life. I dont think that this is a situation for everyone, and I dont think that all of these kind of relatioships just end…I personally know several people who are together today because they met while married to someone else. If you are a married person, and love your spouce, let them know. Try everyday to make your home the place he or she wants to be. Happy people dont cheat.
DMarie - i like your logic and can say that i have never cheated myself, i think what you say is true. i have been told otherwise thou with the married man i was seeing he said that he was happy with her and even told me that he would never leave her because he was happy with his life with her. i found this hard to believe myself as he started cheating with me only 7 months after getting married, but who knows what goes through men’s heads sometimes?! If i knew that i think i would be a lot happier in life, and they say women are the complicated ones!!
Latenitemom,
Congratulations on the pending arrival of your first grandchild! In regards to your situation with your daughter. I was 19 when I became pregnant with my son. Never married his father. He was much too old for me and my parents despised him. I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents for years before my son was born. I just wanted out of their house because they kept me from going to the college I wanted to attend and placed so many rules upon me that I had no life. I was never allowed to go to high school football games unless my mother went with me and I had to sit with her the entire time. I was never allowed out of the yard as a child. I had a tight reign on me growing up, but there was no reason for this. I was a well behaved child and never caused any problems. When my son’s father came into the picture, I was out of there faster than they could blink.
It is good that you are so supportive of your daughter at this time in her life. I wish my parents would have been as understanding as you are being with your daughter. When my son was a little over a year old, I left his father and had to move back in with my parents. They still tried to tighten the reigns on me even though I was 21 years old. My father always made comments about me leaving and coming back, like he knew I would be back. “The grass isn’t always greener” type of comments. They tried to control how I raised my child and everything I did. Finally, after a few months, I blew up. Even though they were trying to help me, they were only making matters worse by keeping me under surveillance 24/7. I have never given them a reason to be suspicious of me, but for some reason, they were always paranoid that I was going to do something. I still don’t understand it. I stayed in my bedroom with my son most of the time.
I have said all of that to point out that my father always was (and still is) a controlling man. I think this is why I have a tendency to stay in a relationship where someone else has control over what happens. I have no control over whether my married man leaves his wife. I wish I did, but I don’t. Guess I’ll just have to find a way to deal with it.
Meanwhile, I’m still trying to get used to my new guy. I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t get myself to the place where I really like him and can’t do without him. When he leaves my house, I’m actually a little relieved. He’s in my face all the time. When I’m with my MM, I don’t want him to leave. When he leaves, I miss him immediately. When he holds me in his arms, I feel like I’m in my comfort zone.
I have always had the fear, when in a relationship, that that person will leave me, but with my new guy, I don’t have that fear. It’s like I don’t even care and I don’t know why.
Please realize that my new guy is very kind to me. He is always considerate of me and I come first for a change. We’ve only been seeing each other for a month (today) and I think it might take me some time to get used to him and feel the way I think I should be feeling. I think I should have that “swept off of your feet ” feeling, but I’m not getting that. He told me this weekend that he has feelings for me that scare him half to death. But, I’m not feeling the same way. He is everything that I am looking for (seriously, I have a list:), so why can’t I get to the place I need to be with him? HELP!!!!
Hey C230
it’s goof to hear that you have found someone. don’t do what i did and mess it up with someone good for the sake of your mm. i did that and threw away the chance to be with a great guy. stick with it and keep distance from your mm, i think its the only way to move on properly, because its like going into a relationship too soon after breaking up with someone, you end up comparing. give yourself the chance for long term and full time happiness
I just had lunch with my new guy and I try to keep in mind that he is a good person and seems to know what he is looking for. I just can’t help but to feel the way I do. I am not really excited about him. I think I just need to give it time and see where it goes. One of my guy friends told me to give it three months and if I still feel the way I do, then break it off. There is no sense in dragging out a relationship hoping that it will turn out the way I want, when its not happening. These are also my feelings about my married relationship.
Another thing about my new guy is that he doesn’t seem very intelligent. I am trying not to be this way, but its hard. I have always dated men that have been through college, usually with a Masters degree and their jobs are intense with a lot of responsibility. New guy has some college, but did not graduate. However, he has a job that pays very well, it just doesn’t require a lot of higher education. I am used to being able to have an intellectual conversation with someone, but with him its not that stimulating to me. We talk about our lives, family, jobs, our day, but never anything meaningful in the world. But, when it boils down to it, would I rather have a man that is intellectually challenging but doesn’t treat me the way I need to be treated or would I rather have someone that is good to me, but not really big on watching the evening news? I don’t know!!! I guess I could get stimulating conversation with other people and save the other stuff for him.
If I don’t start feeling like I need to feel, I am afraid I am going to call my married guy up and light the fire again.
Hey C230
Just think before you do, because if you go back, breaking it off again is even harder, trust me, i’m going thorugh it at the moment and its harder than last time, much harder
Despite being heartbroken at the moment, i am actually thinking locically between getting upset and being with a mm isn’t a good situation and it isn’t fair on you, even though tha person seems like the most perfect person ever, i know, but long term is so rarely works. staying away from a mm you deeply care about is also almost impossible, its a vicious circle
I hope in the long run that i can just be good friends with mine, but i have had to ask him to give me space with no contact for a couple of weeks or my heart wont repair itself, so i’m going totally cold turkey, but i hope with the support of one of my friends who knew my situation i can get through it, i hope
Sasha,
You, along with latenitemom and BayouGirl have been giving me some really great advice and I appreciate it so MUCH! I truly believe we are our best support system because there is no judgement passed on this site.
I was talking to a lady that I work with, she is 61 years old, been through a very rough divorce when her kids were younger. She has a daughter that is my age and I find her very easy to talk with based on her life experiences. She heard that I was seeing someone new and asked me how things were going. I told her that I didn’t think I was feeling the way I thought I should be feeling and she said what I have been telling myself, just give it time and get to know him.
I see my MM on the way to work about 3 days each week. He only works a few blocks from me and we have to use the same exit to get off of the interstate to get into the city. He always makes sure to let me know that he sees me. Usually he is gazing into his rearview mirrors trying to catch a glimpse. There is an intersection before he has to turn left and I turn right and he always waves at me and smiles. I return the jesture.
I’m glad that he gets to see me without touching me because he knows (we both know) how happy we could be together. We have been together on many occassions and no matter how long it has been, we still don’t want to leave each other. Usually, after a while, I get sick of being with the same person for a few days and I’m ready to spend time away from them. However, when I’m with him, we’re inseperable.
Maybe its the fact that I know it will be a while before I am able to see him again or maybe its because I’m not supposed to have him, so I want him even more. You know what I mean? Like when something is taboo but you want to try it anyway
I can’t stop thinking about him. My new guy has started to stay over on the weekends with me and I feel horrible because if I wake up in the middle of the night, I think about my MM. It doesn’t matter that the new guy is laying next to me, my mind always drifts to him. Even when we are out doing things, I catch myself checking the crowd to make sure he’s not there to see me with the new guy. I’m sure the time will come when he will see me with him and I won’t know what to do. He knows I am seeing someone else, but I’m sure it will be a whole different ballgame when he actually sees me with him. My MM has always been very protective of me and I am afraid that if he sees me with this guy, he will get so hot under the collar. Maybe then he will realize that he NEEDS to be with me and can’t have anyone else taking me away.
Hey C230
xxx
I agree with you about the support, it has been so reassuring to me. even though i am hopefully on route to moving on with my life without my mm in that way it doesn’t mean he doesn’t cross your mind 1000 times a day. i have promised to stay friends with mine too which is going to be hard but i am glad about. i do think we met for a reason, even if it is only to be good friends. i asked him to give me some time to get my head straight which he agreed to do. it is hard and i think about e-mailing him 100 times a day but even a couple of days on i can feel a small difference. he is away till 20th sept with work and i was going to get in touch then, but his birthday is 11th oct and i am going to try and not get in touch till then. i think that a month could do wonders for me, i hope so anyway. i am highly unlikely to ever run into my mm, we live about 10 miles away from each other and go to different places generally. although he has promised to respect my wish of no contact for a little while i think if i can leave it that long he will probably get in touch. we will see. i’m taking it day by day and writing in my diary to try and keep my thoughts straight.
i think you may be right about your mm if he saw you with your new guy, i found from mine and from odd other who have been through it that they think its okay for them to go home to someone but they hate seeing you with someone else. i have a lot of close male friends and i often put pictures on facebook from nights out trips etc on there and he always makes a comment if there is one of me and a guy, even once admitting he hates the thought of me with someone else even though he knows one day he will have to accept it if he is to remain my friend. maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing though. i don’t like games because they always seem to go wrong, but maybe if your mm saw you looking happy with someone else it may make him realise what he’s missing, sometimes men need to understand things in a visual way and it could be a way for him to realise how he feels. let me know how it works out
I also keep a journal. I find that writing things down is a good way to vent. Maybe that’s why this blog is helping
Sometimes I start reading at the beginning of the journal which began last August. So, I’ve been keeping it for over a year now. The things that have happened in a years time have blown my mind. Things that I have forgotten about resurface when I read about them and make me realize that everything will find a way to work itself out. It always does.
Even though I feel kind of like I’m bouncing between worlds right now, I know things will work out for the best (at least that’s what I’m shooting for).
Im here reading catching up on the latest of how things are going with you ladies. Im rather excited because Im making a road trip to see my sweetheart, and just wanted to stop by and say hello. I’ll surely let you no if the trip was good. I know it will be or I wouldn’t be going. wink wink.
latenitemom - hope you have a good trip and enjoy your time with your loved one xx
Hi
I was just wondering if there is anyone on here who has given up a married man successfully who could offer any advice. Also even more if you have managed to stay friends which is my goal if possible. it has only been a week and it is so hard. he is still on my mind all the time and i can’t help but feel jealous that his wife still has him. i wish more than anything that the situations had been different. I have had so many scenarios running through my head in wishful thinking. i know it was the right thing, but it makes it no easier. i haven’t had much experience of break up’s in general so i am finding this even harder. i have heard from him since. nothing in that way, just in a platonic way only as he is keen to retain our friendship which is how all this started. I need to be less distracted than i am at the moment. i work full time but i am also a part time law student two evenings a week and i need to get him out my head so i can concentrate on my studying as i go back to uni on monday. Any advice welcome, thanks
Sasha,
Not sure if I have been successful at giving up my married man for good, but so far I have found these things helpful.
#1: Keeping distance: that mean no phone calls or driving by his house or where he might be. If you run into him, wave “hello”, keep the conversation to a minimum and do not talk about your relationship.
#2 Move on: I still think about my MM from time to time, but I have noticed as weeks go by that I think about him less. As you know from previous posts, I have found someone new and even though I’m not sure that this guy is perfect for me, at least I have him for guy time. It’s hard to get over someone when you don’t have anyone to take his place. Although, I find my MM irreplaceable and I’m sure you feel the same way.
#3 Stay busy: I’m sure you won’t have any trouble occupying your time with your busy schedule. However, the quiet time used for studying can always make your mind drift off into deep thoughts of your MM. Try to stay focused on your goals for school/career. I know…its hard.
#4 Keep a friend/support system involved in your feelings: I don’t want everyone to be involved in my situation, but I have a few close friends that I feel comfortable confiding with. Our blog helps a bunch for me, but sometimes you can’t wait for an answer.
#5 Be confident in yourself: Don’t let your situation bring you down because you are a wonderful person and anyone would be lucky to have you!
I have been seeing a guy since before he got married we are both young im 21 and hes 23. He was engaged for only a month and he told me the reason he had to marry her was citizan issues with her. It really hurt me when he did that and he didnt even tell me he got married on found out on my own and confronted him that when he told me it was not planned at all well he ended stuff between us because he was now married. then 4 months later we hooked up and he ended stuff again saying he couldnt do it then 5 months pass and now we are together but he is still with his wife. We work with eachother so we see eachother just about everyday, i love this man so much and i dont want to push him to leave his wife i just told him recently that i want him to not be with her. The thing is i think he got married for the wrong reasons for example he told me because he had been dating her for so long he felt that he owed her it and also the citizenship and many other things i guess i just dont want to give up on him. I know im young and i have time but hes the best thing thats ever happend to me we just fit well together. He told me that he married her already and maybe it was ment to be and its to late he thinks we just met diffrent points of our lives and wishes he would have meet me sooner. I dont know what to do anymore!!! i dont know what to say to him so he doesnt feel cornered like im giving him no choices of his own but im tired this has been going on to long and suggestions on what to do?
I have been having an affair with a mm for 8 months. The big problem is that my husband and I are really good friends with him and his wife. We see them practically every weekend and have lots of fun with them. He and I share many interests such as golf, poetry, literature etc. We started by being good friends and began to play golf together and then things escalated and we started sleeping together.
He was infatuated with me, though we didn’t ever mention the word “love” and we never discussed leaving our partners. He would just say that his wife doesn’t like sex and they don’t have it, and also that they don’t get on. He has been mean to her in my company and flirts with, and teases me, when she’s around. My husband and I are good freinds, but I don’t find him attractive at all and know that there must be more to marriage and life than living with someone you like but don’t love. He’s a good father and husband, and a good provider, but it isn’t enough for me anymore.
A few weeks ago, I said to my mm that if he wanted to make our relationship more permanent, we could divorce our partners and be together. He didn’t answer so I dropped the subject to give him time to think about it. Then, a week later when we met up, I told him that I was worried that we would be caught. I suppose I hoped he would make the offer to “be there” for me and that if they found us out, he and I would move in together. What he said was that I was right and that we should probably stop the affair.
I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. He didn’t phone me as he usually does so after a week I called his wife to invite them around because I badly need to see him. She was nice enough on the phone but she made excuses and turned down the invitation. I called him on his mobile - which I hardly ever do - and he said he couldn’t talk but would call me back. When he did, he was friendly, talked about a book and a movie, but nothing personal.
I’m wondering if he wants to end it or whether the reason is that he thinks I wanted to end it? That when I said I was worried about being caught, it meant I was hinting to end our relationship?
I have thought of telling his wife that I intend leaving my husband. She will surely tell her husband and then he may realize that my marriage is over anyway? Or would that be a bad idea? They have a daughter at college who is her daughter from a previous marriage, though he has raised her since she was a baby, as his own. He has plenty of money so finances are not the problem. Also, he has been talking about his wife, being nice about her and saying he has set up an account for her since she is 9 years younger than him. He says if anything happens to him, he would hate her to have to wait for the estate to be wound up.
I went to the park yesterday at the time we would often meet to take all our dogs for a walk, but he wasn’t there. She doesn’t go, she doesn’t seem to want to do anything with him. I don’t think she care about him much and she certainly doesn’t love him as I do.
How can I make things go back to the way they were with him? I can’t keep calling them/her/him without appearing desperate but I really need to know one way or the other?
Please give me some advice, you wise women out there.
Hi Lost.
xx
It sounds like this guy has really messed you about and you don’t deserve it. you’re even younger than me, and i feel i’m too young to have got into this sort of situation. it’s funny, but how you feel about your mm is how i feel about mine that the timing just wasn’t right and that we should have met when we were both single, i understand how frustarting it can feel, because that person is just so right it seems wrong that you can’t be together.
i recently ended it with my mm and despite it being hard and mising him like mad i also feel it was the right even thing even though when i am feeling bad about it all it doesn’t seem like it.
it’s funny how where you are in your own situation influences the advice you would give to others, but i really would suggest that you start considering getting out of this situation.
if he really loves you in the way you love him then one day he may leave his wife for you, but i doubt he will do it while he currently has the best of both worlds. what man would, they love having everything their own way.
i really would think about getting away from him for now though if you can. the first couple of days are the hardest. your willpower has to pull you through, but after that, its more routine. the second i wake up int he morning or if i wake in the night i think of my mm. when i watch something on tv i think of him, things i see all day long and just generally thinking of him a lot of the time, but then sometimes i will suddenly realise that it has been 2 or 3 hours and i haven’t thought of him and i realise i’m making progress. slowely, but surely. don’t get me wron, i still get upset sometimes, but it isn’t easy getting over someone you love and still want.
don’t you want to be with someone who is always there for you, someone you can walk down the street with anywhere holding hands, someone who comes home to you every day, someone who you are the main priority for. thats what swayed me in the end. i want more and i think i deserve that and so i walked away, and maybe you could too
Well……… it happened. I was out in public with my new boyfriend at a high school football game and saw my MM with his wife and kids. He saw me too. I’m not sure what will happen now, but I hate the way I started to feel about my new guy as soon as I saw MM. I wanted him to see me with my new guy so that his feelings would surface and he would realize that I am trying to move on and he would come to the rescue.
I was having a good time, glad to be with my new guy. Then we walked up the bleachers and I saw him, sitting there by himself. His wife had taken the kids to the concession stand. After I saw him, I didn’t want to be near my new guy. I didn’t want him sitting with me, touching me, talking to me, nothing. Everything he said after that irritated the living crap out of me. I just wanted to leave, but I didn’t want him to know why I wanted to leave, so I toughed it out to the end. It was like torture seeing my MM. I am hoping that he will call me or something, but then again, I kind of hope he doesn’t. Like you guys have said, we all want someone to walk down the street with us and not be paranoid about who sees us. I have that now, but I can’t seem to shake my MM out of my head.
HI Ladies
I usually dont chat on internet sites but after reading all of your stories and supportive advice i cant help but see if you ladies would have any advice for my situation?
My story is a lil different than yours because the guy(Ryan) i am interested in is not married yet but close enough. He has been dating her for 3yrs and im sure marriage is not far away. I worked with Ryan for about a year now and am starting to have alot of feelings for him. He is a total gentlemen, hard-working, down to earth, and VERY laid back about life, one of the main reasons im attracted to him. His home, family and GF are all 3hrs away. He is 30 and i am 21. Is that too big of an age gap? We work with eachother almost everyday so its hard to not have feelings for him. We get along really great, i just dont know if he would ever leave his GF for me. i have never met her i have only seen pictures of her. i am afraid to admit my feelings to him because i dont know how he will react and he might get weirded out and never want to talk to me again. He is a respectable guy and would never cheat on his GF. i have been trying to do subtle things that might give him clues that im into him without going out of line. I have never felt this way about anyone before. I am soo impressed by his morals and ways of life. Do I say anything to him or let it go?
K88,
You asked about the age gap…from my experience, I have learned that people in their early 30’s are on a different page of life than someone in their early 20’s. However, it depends on the person, but generally speaking, people in these age groups are totally different in their needs.
As far as keeping or leaving, it doesn’t really sound like he’s all that interested from your post….yet. If you really want to find out if he’s interested in being more than work friends, ask him out for dinner after work or something. Don’t ask him the day before, ask him about an hour before leaving work. Just throw it into conversation, like, “do you have any dinner plans”, then if he says no, say “I don’t either and I am getting tired of eating dinner alone every night, would you like to go somewhere and grab a bite tonight?” or “I’ve got some leftover lasagna at my house if you’d like to help me finish it off tonight”. Keep it friendly. If he becomes your friend, then it could lead to more, especially if the girlfriend is 3 hours away. Hope this helps.
Hey C230
Well done you for sticking it out at the football game. i can’t even imagine how hard it must have been for you. you must have very strong willpower and i admire your strength. i recon you have done the hardest thing. i think with mm there is always gonna be a pending question because you never know what could have been and that makes it harder to walk away than a normal relationship. its like the story was started and you never get to hear the ending but for some reason you always think it would end well which makes it harder. i know what you mean about wanting to hear from him but not, i guess if you hear from him then you get reassured he cares, but if you hear that then it is going to set you back a few steps. it’s such a vicious circle situation. i would say that time helps and don’t contact him if you can. if he contacts you then decide what to do and how you feel at the time and go with it.from my experience, people only regret the decisions they make with their head, not with their heart, a bit cliche but i think it’s true.
K88 - Hey. I think the advice that c230 offered was spot on. i have found that anyone i have been close to has always started out as a friendship and its a good place to decide how you really feel and get to know someone. i would just say be careful and be prepared to get yur feelings hurt, because when someone is involved with someone else it doesn inevitably happen, however, we only live once and we should do what makes us happy and if you think this guy could be the one for you, then it will be worth the bad as well as the good. let us know how you get on x
Well it’s been just over 2 weeks since i ended it with my mm. it has been getting a bit easier, but it’s so easy to get setback. i don’t know if any of you use facebook, but i am on it and i am friends with the mm on here (i don’t feel i can write “my” mm anymore). i have been feeling more positive recently, but then his wife who had been away again wrote on his wall that she was looking forward to seeing him following by lots of “XOXO’s”and it set me back. i know its silly, but it made me insanely jealous, even though she has every right to say that she’s his wife and i shouldn’t even care now, but i do, i still care so much. i wouldn’t go back now because i feel that i have made progress, but i wish that it didn’t bother me as much as it does. i know i just need to get him out my system, but every so often something like that or a piece of music or something silly reminds me of him and just gives me that horrible feeling in th epit of my stomach. i really really just want to move on with my life, it’s just so very hard. not having the best night about it all tonight
Thanks for your advice Sasha and C230!! I think you are completely right about trying to be better friends and see how it goes from here.
Hey C230 - How are you holding up and hows everything going with your new boyfriend? I think you are doing a great job trying to break that vicious cycle!!
I’m still holding onto what I think I should do…what is best to do. My new guy is a great person. He helps me with things, like last night he helped me put together a doll house for my neice. He is going with me this weekend to pick up a new elliptical and has volunteered to assemble it for me. He’s a work in progress though. He’s kind of a mess. For instance, he really needs help dressing himself and he needs to shave EVERY day. In the last month and a half, he has managed to stop chewing snuff (can you say GROSS), he has started working out and he has been to the mall to begin a new wardrobe that consists of more than tshirts and jeans. If I can throw in a way to make him realize that white tennis shoes went out with WHAM! then he will be on his way to perfect. I don’t tell him that he needs to do these things, but I have thrown it into conversation how I feel about things. He actually went to the dentist because I mentioned something about my brother chewing snuff for years and how it has turned his teeth yucky. He’s a good looking guy and takes care of himself (his teeth are not yucky by the way), but still needs a woman to help him. He’s open for suggestions. When we go to the mall, he always tells me to pick stuff out for him because he has no idea what looks good.
Anyway, I still have not spoken to my MM. I can’t bring myself to call him. Even though I’m not real serious with the new guy, he is good to me and I always told myself that if I found someone that was good to me and respected me, I would never do anything to jeopardize the relationship. So, I have made the choice to not call him and let him call me, if that ever happens.
My MM is good to me too, actually treats me better than anyone that I have been out with. However, he is MARRIED…period. I cannot have the relationship I need with a married man. (Notice I said “need”). I need someone to be there when I get home, to help me with broken things around my house, cut the grass when I can’t , just generally help out with things, including the bills. Its rough on us single gals! I have no intentions of “using” my new guy or anyone else, but it would be nice to not have to pay for everything on my own with my miniscule salary. It would be nice to share responsibilities. Sometimes I feel so burdoned by everything. Meanwhile, my MM’s wife has it made. She doesn’t have to pay for anything! He pays for everything. She works but spends her entire paycheck on Coach purses, Chanel sunglasses and Jimmy Choo shoes. To beat it all, we live in Charleston, WV where nobody cares about that shit! He is about to flip his lid over this stuff! How can a woman and a mother spend money on these things when she has 3 children to care for? Has she ever heard of a college fund or a savings account? He makes around $200K a year and has nothing put back for emergencies. No savings account and he has borrowed against his retirement to pay off things, then she racks it back up as fast as he pays it off. He’s never going to have anything with her.
Sounds like his wife is a real winner eh. Does he not see what she is doing?
Hey C230
Stay strong. stick with not calling him, and i highly commend you for it, it isn’t easy. i had hoped to take your advice about creating distance between and and “my” mm but im not so strong. we haven’t started anything up again and i still think i wouldn’t, but we have been talking mostly as friends with the odd bit about how we are both feeling about it becasue he wants to meet up as friends. i kinda do too, but i am still having bad moments when i am upset about it all, so maybe i need to get some more strength and stick to no contact for a while. i want to, but i’m lacking the willpower. i have been in my new job for 5 weeks now and although its still good and i’m glad i went, it is really tough at the moment and i have ended up talking to “my” mm about it because we always did get on well as friends and his words have ben helpful. i do actually want to move on and get over him totally, but i think that may not happen until i meet someone else, i think feeling those things you feel towards another reminds you that there are other people out there who you could be happy with, i just need to keep looking. i am going to a 30th party on saturday at a local club and i know a few nice guys who are going, i hope the distraction will do me good
As a child i was very optomistic and believed that marriage is forever, but sadly i don’t anymore. i think that when some people get married they stop trying and don’t realise what they have because they think they are safe. it is such a shame, but a lot of them are, because people think it is such a big thing to end a marriage, but if you’re not happy then it should be the only option no matter what, i just wish that everyone saw it like that because the world would be a much happier place. i may have lost some of my faith in marriage, but i believe very strongly in love
magicdragon - i totally missed your post the other day, sorry. you are in a really tough situation. i would say that you deserve to be happy and that if you are not in love with you husband and you don’t think you can get the sparkle back, then to end it. you deserve to be happy too whether that is with your mm or someone else. if you do he may see what you have done and follow suit and if not and he wont make that sacrafice, then you had a lucky escape and you should see it as a good thing that you saw what he is like. if he is worth it then fate will bring him to you and if not then you have a second chance at happiness in life with someone else, good luck and let us know how you get on x
this is about the dumbest topic ever! for one thing you are a homewrecker regardless of what you claim. nothing and nobody is neutral here! once you are involved with a married man you are in a triangle. and now you want him to leave home? if, he is a good man, he will certainly not leave or only on his terms over time depending on your relationship quality. but then, as you have become the woman on a pedestal for this man,probably over sex he did not get at home, you also are the very person who will get the best of it when his expectations are not met. the wife after all remains the one passive in this, the one he lies to and mollifies. his guilt feelings will always produce empathy toward her ok! you though must meet his expectations and tests always! later, you always deal with possibility of hearing, “why should i be with you when i can have the same with my wife”? “i left my wife for this situation??” not to ruin your appetite girls, but in all this is also a passive aggressive tone and it also could turn abusive alltogether. after all you are not going into a healthy relationship free of rebound, but right into the kettle of marriage hell you really have nothing to do with. so, let the man alone and let him make his own decision void of any promise. then if he gets divorced, start over when he has cooled off and handles himself as single man without crutches and safety belt.
Anyway……….
Yes, he realizes what she is doing. I told him that the reason she keeps creating more debt is because that’s one of the things that keeps him around. He won’t leave because of the debt that will be on him, plus child support, losing half of his retirement to her, and he would probably end up paying for everything for the kids anyway even though she would be getting support. That’s just how she is. She lives to make his life miserable.
Magic Dragon:
I must have skipped over your post the other day as well. Your situation is tough… I think if this guy is miserable and doesn’t want to be with his wife, then he will eventually leave her. If they don’t have any young children together, it should be easier for him than it is for my MM. You said that he has plenty of $$ and he seems to care about what happens to his wife, then it sounds like it would be a divorce that wouldn’t be as difficult as others. I wonder if she’s on the same page as him. YOu also mentioned that she doesn’t seem to care to do anything with him, so it sounds like she is growing tired of the relationship herself.
A little advice from me would be to remember how it was when you were single and alone. I am single (somewhat) right now, even though I am dating someone. When he gets on my nerves or does something stupid, I stop and think to myself “Is it really worth being alone again to let this little thing bother me” and the answer is NO. He’s a good man and he definitley has flaws, but who doesn’t? I try to look past the irritating things and find a way to love the wonderful things about him.
Sit down and make a list comparing the two men. Good vs. Bad. The bad things should be things that you absolutely cannot live with. If more than 20% of your list is on the bad side, then its time to move on to the better option, if possible.
If you decide to move on, then you take the risk of the other man not making the committment to move on. One thing I have realized is that a lot of married men don’t want to jump into another marriage. You will have to make a decision regarding how you feel about being married to someone else.
Ingrid - i think you are a little naive with this. maybe you have been cheated on. i’m sorry if you have, but at the end of the day, the women on here are mostly single and therefore have the choice to date who they wish. The men choose to have relationships away from their wives becuase something is not right in their marriage for various reaons, but that isn’t the fault of the women on here. Everyone has a choice and some men choose to be unfaithful and no-one can control that. Some men will always cheat, and just becasue one womans walks away doesn’t mean they won’t find another. i think you may be directing your frustration on the wrong direction here.
Ingrid,
Even though I find your post mostly hostile, your advice at the end was dead on with what I have been doing. I am moving on and my MM knows that I am seeing someone else and it kills him. He mentioned to me a while back that he feels like he is cheating on me with his wife even though its the other way around. He loves me more than he does her and I know this because it came straight from his tearful voice while standing in front of me. I have decided to leave him alone in hopes that he will realize that he is not happy and get the divorce without my influence. Maybe somewhere down the road of life, he will come back to me without any hangups about marriage and we can be happy. We know we are supposed to be together anyway and we are both miserable knowing that it can’t be right now.
I am trying to move on, but I am afraid that he will always be a part of me and never leave my mind or my heart. Even 50 years from now….
Sasha: Thanks for your words of wisdom. I just feel so weak and down right now and wish I could be where you are, nearly three weeks down the track. I can’t think of anything else but him and that I am losing him. Its happened so fast and it seems as if just a couple of weeks ago, he was crazy about me and very off to his wife and now all of a sudden, its as if he’s lost interest in me. How can someone just get over another person so quickly.
I phoned and spoke to his wife. We had a long chat and I told her I am thinking of leaving my husband and that I haven’t been happy with him for years. I said I don’t love him anymore. She was sympathetic but then said that when she got divorced from her first husband, it was terrible, an awful time and she strongly advises me to think very carefully before I do such a thing, especially because my husband loves me very much and is very good to me etc. She said she wouldn’t advocate divorce to anyone. I asked her if she would divorce her husband even if he had an affair and she said no. She said that would be the last reason she’d divorce him and why would she leave the way open for some other woman to step in? Don’t know if she was warning me or what, but I just feel wretched. So it wouldn’t even make a difference if she knew about our affair, she still wouldn’t leave him. And does that mean she does love him really, and he’s lied to me about that and other things?
When we started the affair, I thought I would be able to control it and not have these deep feelings which are killling me now.
Perhaps we all think that and by the time we realize we love this man, it is too late to back out and we simply become one of the millions of broken-hearted OW?
It’s so hard pretending I’m not dying inside and not being able to be alone. Having to try and be normal in front of my husband! Killing me.
I really appreciate your time and hope that you will continue to be strong and get over this sad time quickly.
Magic Dragon,
I’m not sure, but it kind of sounds like your MM’s wife might know what’s going on. Its hard to judge without knowing everything about the situation, but read back at your previous posts and then think about it for a minute.
You said when you spoke to his wife and invited them over, she turned down the invitation, even though she was nice about it. Then in the last post, your conversation with her makes me a little suspicious. You might want to call your guy and ask him if she knows.
Have you done things together as a couple with your husband since?
Hi Magicdragon. I’m sorry you are feeling so low. It is such a hard thing to get your head round and I really do sympathize with you, I know it must feel like your heart has been crushed sometimes. Sadly I know that feeling all too well. It has been three very difficult weeks, believe me, but it has made things better and day by day I do feel like I am coping more. There is still a bad day here and there when something happens that gets to me again. It isn’t plain sailing, but it is still the right thing and I feel it is best for my future. It is strange when things end. I’m sure he does care, but maybe he’s trying to make it easier on you by making it seem like he doesn’t care, people have funny ways of dealing with their emotions.
As for your concerns about his wife, I’m really not sure. I think most women would be more direct and just say if they suspected, but you never know, she could be trying to be clever. I would tread carefully and maybe approach him with that question. She may say she doesn’t advocate divorce, but that’s because she wants to stay in her marriage obviously for whatever reason, but she went through it herself, so she seems to believe in what is right for her at the time. He may not have lied to you about her not loving him, that may be how he feels she feels about him. No-one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors and you have to take what he says, because it’s the only version of events you are likely to get.
Believe me, you are by no way the first person who thought they could have some fun without feelings, it’s what I thought originally, however before I realized it I was totally in love with the guy and felt like I wanted him more than anything. Not part of my initial plan!! Believe me!!
It is hard pretending that everything is fine. I have one confidant who is a good friend of mine who knows everything, but apart from that, no-one knows. I live at home too and have had to tell may fibs to my parents about feeling unwell just so they don’t ask why I have been crying. When I first ended it they thought I had an eye infection because my eyes were so red and puffy for the first few days because I spent the first few nights in tears. It is never easy walking away from someone you really deeply care about. I have done it twice in a year and it’s not something I want to again anytime soon.
I’m guessing you have no one you can discuss this with. I’ve never been on a blog before, but if you want to talk and have skype on your computer, you are welcome to instant message me on it. My id is chars_b. It does help to talk sometimes. I also find writing in a diary good to, to empty your mind of all you feel, but it would be hard for you esp with the risk of your husband finding it.
Stay strong, you will feel better, and it does get easier, follow your heart x
Right, we have to stay focused on what is good for US, not them. I have learned that if I don’t put myself first, then who will?
I went through a very rough break up a few years ago and I have had my guard up ever since. This guy led me to believe that we would be married. He even took me into a bridal store as a surprise one day. We were just browsing and insisted that the sales people help other customers. We drove to North Carolina to shop for furniture because he wanted me to pick out all new furniture for his house. He took me with him to pick out paint schemes for his house. I look back on that now as a cruel joke.
I stayed with him a lot. One day, after work, I stopped by his house, like normal, and he acted like he didn’t want me there. The day before, he was so in love with me. By the end of that week, he had totally distanced himself from me and I couldn’t figure out why. Monday evening he called to tell me he didn’t want to see me anymore.
I found out from close friends at work (he and I worked together) that he was seeing one of the students. Kind of sick, but whatever. She was pregnant within four months of us breaking up and they were married shortly after they found out. It was heartbreaking and it took me about a year to completely get over it. I spent over $1500 in therapy and it didn’t really help, just diagnosed me with “adjustment disorder with depressed mood”.
It took me a while, but I finally managed to get myself out of the house and out on the town, thanks to the intervention of a wonderful friend. I still credit her for getting my life back.
So, I guess my point is if anyone is trying to get over someone, get out and make yourself available. It may take time to feel like it, but even if you don’t feel like it, make yourself get involved with something, any activity. I used to have dates with different men every other weekend. Sometimes I would have to schedule a lunch date here and there to accommodate them.
However, after that horrible breakup, I find myself unable to believe there are good, honest men out there. The guy I am dating now seems genuinely nice, but I can’t help but to think he is a liar. I don’t want to be hurt like that again. How do we get past these things? I’m not sure, but I believe that in time with the right person, I will get past all of my issues with men and be able to appreciate a good man who wants to be with me.
Sasha and C230. You are both very wise ladies and are way ahead of me who is older, but certainly not wiser! Felt so sad when I read Sasha’s post about crying so much that your parents thought you had an eye infection! You are so right in saying that being in our situation as the OW is very alienating and lonely. Everyone casts us in the role of wicked witch and I’m sure none of us ever meant to hurt anyone, or even for the whole affair to lurch out of control.
Sasha, You’re doing great though I am worried that being friends with him, continuing to talk to him, ask his advice, confide in him etc, will ensure that you never get over your broken heart. It makes me suspect that he knows this and that he wants to keep you in his life, loving him even though you can’t be together. It is selfish, but natural too. If he was really over it, I don’t believe he would still want to be friends with you. You aren’t “just friends” really - the affair changed that and there’s no going back. For your sake, cutting off contact with him would be very tough, but at least there wouldn’t be that inevitable prickle of hope that any day now, things could change and the two of you could be together. Reading back to your previous posts, you said that breaking up the second time is more heartbreaking than the first. I think if you continue to talk and be friends, you and he will get back together again, especially if his marriage is going through a bit of a rough patch. How nice that he always has someone to fall back on but where does that leave you? Whiling away your time hoping he’ll leave her, and missing out on great guys out there and a chance for happiness and the good things you deserve.
It’s funny, but reading your posts and giving my view sort of helps take my mind off my own situation, so although I’ve messed up my own life and you are in a far more enlightened place than I am right now, I hope I can help you a little, even if it’s just another point of view.
C230. You are really going great with the new guy and it must help knowing that your MM is squirming with jealousy, so he’s suffering too. I totally identify with you waking up next to your new man, and missing your married man so terribly. Same with me and my husband who is a sweet man, but because of my MM, he irritates me, even when he’s being loving and considerate. If you and your new man are spending lots of time together, you may well find that you begin to admire him more, like him more, and end up really caring about him, perhaps loving him one day. I wonder if our MM’s weren’t married, whether we would have wanted them as much? The forbidden fruit thing.
I think most women over the age of 24, realize that most men are not that truthworthy, and often, if they bag a good one, he isn’t quite what they want. I think the A-type personalities are the interesting ones but also unfortuantley the difficult, fascinating, lying, cheating bastards that we end up fallling for really hard. They’re often married too
On the home front, things have happened, but will write later cause it’s complicated and I still need to get over the shock. Think its all over and I need to take your advice (and my own) and move on. Really appreciate you girls!
Hey magicdragon
You are right about the contact thing. it would make things easier in some ways if i just left it. its just difficult and although i don’t regret my time with my mm, i do wish that i hadn’t got into this with him because we are such similar people and share a lot of interests. we were great friends beforehand. its funny, i use msn messenger and i had a look the other day at some old convos, and one i had with my mm about this time last year which was 5 months before anything happened was me checking that his wife would not be jealous of our close friendship. how ironic lol. it had never even entered my head that anything more than platonic friendship would ever happen with us until it did really, i had never thought of him in that way. i actually want the best of both worlds, i do want to be his friend. I am 99.9% sure that i would never go back. it took a lot of pain to get to where i am today and i feel that i am on the right track. i couldn’t go back into anything with him because the pain of it ending again would make it not worth it. He hasn’tonce suggested going back into it. i think he realises too that we had to end it then and that we can’t go back on it. if he didnt think that we couldn’t be friends because the temptation would be too much, but we seem to be on the same wavelength. he has always claimed to be happy with his wife and want to stay with her which i knew from the start and he has maintained all the way thorugh. i guess it was just wishful thinking for a time. i have met his wife a couple of times, but don’t really know her or much about her. To be honest though, no one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors.
We will see. right now i am happier than i have been the last few weeks. i have a fun weekend planned and am seeing a guy tomorrow night at a party who i am keen on and we have kissed previously(sounds to high school lol) and i will see what happens with him. i am indirectly looking to find someone else and i hope to sooner rather than later. i’m not someone who goes out getting drunk every weekend, i’m more a dinner, or movie or theatre kind of girl really. for the first time since all this started i want to move on with my life and work on my future, so time will tell. my feelings are of course still there and strong for my mm, but i can feel them fading and i hope that as time goes on they will continue to do so.
I think with mm, that if you end it, because you never knew what could have been it may be a question that stays with you a long time, and maybe never goes, you just have to learn to get your head round it.
magicdragon, i hope everything is okay, please lets us know how you are doing, stay strong and keep smiling however hard it is xx
p.s what countries do you all live in? i’m in the UK but i’m wondering due to certain things people have said and how they word things.
Sasha. You go girl! Great news and gives me hope of life after my MM Really hope your evening goes well with Mr Previously Kissed but the most important fact is that you are looking forward to seeing him and also looking forward to the weekend. You are half-way there and of course you’re right to say that there will be sad and bad times, but I think the worst is behind you. (I’m South African by the way).
Well, feeling shell-shocked by the turn of events, but in a nutshell: I phoned him early this morning to ask him if he has told his wife about me. He said no. He said she told him that I’d phoned her and spoken about leaving my husband. She was upset apparently and she had tears in her eyes and said something like she supposes he is going to leave her as well in order to be with me. He very strongly denied that he and I had had an affair. He told me he hopes that I am not thinking of leaving my husband who is a good man. He reminded me that when we started “this thing” as he called it, we told one another that it was never going to become serious, that our marriages wouldn’t be harmed, etc. (Yes, I admit we did say that in the beginning, and at that point, it was how I felt). He also mentioned that he was surprised when I said that if he wanted to make our affair more permanent, I would be willing. He told me that had never been an option for him.
Finally, he said that he agrees with me (!) that it is time to end the affair since his wife is suspicious and furthermore, his wife told him that my husband also voiced his suspicions to her. I never said it was time to end it - all I said was that I was scared of getting caught, so he is twisting it to sound like my idea.
He also told me he’s taking her to Cape Town for a week so they can have some time together.
Final shock was when she told him that, even if he and I are not having an affair, she doesn’t want to spend any more time with me, ever. And he added that he thinks that it’s probably for the best that we cut ties completely. I’m sure she realizes we had an affair and her reason for not confronting us is because her first husband was an obsessive and possessive person, who was always wrongly accusing her of having affairs. Since she has no solid proof, she has been careful not to accuse either of us of anything.
So they’re flying off today for a romantic week together, with him being the apologetic doting husband, whilst I’m stuck here, feeling terrible. I know that I’ll live and soon will become angry with the way he’s just dumped me and probably lied to me as well as to her. But at the moment I want to cry and scream and most of all, just be alone to mourn. And I miss him and think of him all the time. You know the feeling well. Sucks.
I wonder if he even meant to call me and say they are going away together and whether he just hoped that if he never called me again, it would die down without me ever asking why! To be cherished so much and then dropped from such a great height…
Hope you have a great weekend. Let me know how it all goes.
Im from Canada!! eh lol
Well heres my plan, let me know what you think:
I keep telling myself that there is no way my almost MM would ever want anything with me and that the best way of being close with him is to try and be better friends with him. I dont want to regret not trying at least or not knowing what could of become. He is very laid back and i noticed he likes to make jokes and will tease me any chance he gets lol. So i try and make him laugh too, its just hard sometimes to come up with some funny ones
I try to be funny and do things to be closer but at the same time im not waiting around for anything. I still go out with other guys but if the opportunity ever came with MM i would be there.
I just wanted to say how wise and smart you ladies are with your situations. Alot of people read these blogs and think we are all home wreckers or something but they have never been in this kind of situation. They do not understand how it all started. The bond that Sasha, C230 and Magicdragon have is pretty kool and i like how comfortable we can all be on here and talk with eachother about our situations.
I am from eastern USA, state of West Virginia.
Magic Dragon’s comment about feeling the same way as I do about her husband irritating her when she thinks of her other man made me feel better. I feel like such an inconsiderate bitch when I think this way. You mentioned that your husband is loving and considerate, so is my new guy and he has never said anything harsh to me as of yet, but I can’t help to feel the way I do at times. I think you are right about getting to know him better. I think as time marches on, we will become closer and things will turn out nicely. He has a good job and makes a very descent living and can be a great provider for me. I just need to be patient and let it go where it wants to take me.
Magic Dragon: I think you could benefit from sitting back and reflecting on your relationship with your husband. You said he is a wonderful man. You feel the same way for your other man, but he is married to someone else. Its so complicated. When we love someone, we will go to great depths to be with them, even if it means hurting others. I say, if your man and his wife don’t want to hang out anymore, then cut them loose and be with your husband and try to figure out a way to spice up your marriage. Maybe you could take a romantic trip together like your friends are doing. Maybe you could just have a nice quiet evening at home and talk. Cook him his favorite dinner, open a bottle of wine and turn on some soft music. Really get the sparks flying. I think this might rekindle some old feelings that you once had at the beginning of your relationship and you will feel better about your marriage.
I’m no expert by any means, but I have read a WHOLE bunch of psychology/relationship books. I minored in psychology when I was getting my legal degree. If I ever make the decision to get married, I want it to be with someone that I see myself with FOREVER. I truly believe that most people get married with this intention, but for some reason, they drift apart and find other interests. I think the general every day life that we all lead can become monotonous and we get bored with it. Therefore, an extra marital affair breaks the monotony and makes life more exciting and full of suspense. However, when a person takes vows to marry another, you throw away any intentions of being with another. I’m not sure I can do that at this point in my life. I want to be married. I want to come home to someone that loves me. I want to have children with someone that will help me raise them properly. Maybe someday, I’ll write a screenplay about my life and everyone will be surprised how much they can relate…
It’s really interesting that we all ended up on here from such different places, I find it fascinating.
Thanks magicdragon, I do feel like I am making progress, and I hope that it encourages others that it’s a fight, but it can work out okay eventually. I hope that I can continue my current progress.
I’m so sorry by what happened, but maybe in the long run it could have been for the best. I think C230 has offered good advice, maybe try and see if you can recreate your original passion with your husband. You loved him once and chose to be together, maybe you can rekindle it. It’s hard when you get someone else in your head, but if you remove the other guy completely you may be able to make it work. You say he is a good man, and they are far and few between even in my short life experience. Maybe try and find some new things you can do together that are fun, even silly things like take a picnic to a local park one weekend and just have some quiet chilled time just talking and being together. You don’t have to admit anything to your husband, but maybe address the issue that you think you have grown apart and that you want to make it good again. If you both know what you want and have the same goal you may find you can reach it together. I would maybe suggest a little time away on your own to get your head straight first though. Even a few hours if you can’t get a couple of days, but not to see friends etc, just spend time on your own, think about it all, get the raw emotion out your system so that you can start to look at it rationally. You can cry and go through everything you need to deal with it. It will feel worse first, but it should then only start getting better.
You will never know, but I am sure that it has affected your mm too. He could well be getting away from you just
Hi K88
You are in a safe position at the moment. Just be careful. If I am honest, I would tread carefully. Don’t get involved unless he is 100% separated from his girlfriend. Honestly, you don’t want to feel the pain that I and osme of these other ladies have been thorugh. It can consume you completely and is very hard to get out of. Please be careful ?
I do have to confirm what K88 said about the kind of bond we have. It is so easy to talk on here. I am online every day because of my job etc so get to check the blog regularly and I am always pleased to see what has been added.
Hey C230. I am on the same wavelength as you. I want to be married, come home to someone that loves me and have children. They are all things that I have never imagined my life without, but I have become cynical which I don’t like, but I feel that I need to meet the right man who can instill the confidence in me that those things are possible. I hope so anyway.
I want to stay on a positive outlook about things and get my personal life on the up which is what I’m going to try to do. I don’t know how long it will take, but I am in it for the long haul x
K88: The post from Sasha is spot-on and I could not have expressed it better. Please don’t let yourself if for the agony us girls have done through. If he’s still with his gf, all he can give you is a fling perhaps and certainly alot of unnecessary agony. Especially if he isn’t married yet but seems to heading that way. Save yourself whilst there’s still time
If it doesn’t start, it can’t end. At the moment you are intrigued and fascinated with him but your deep feelings haven’t yet been touched. Save those for someone who you are still to find perhaps, and who will see you as his no. 1. You could be the one amongst us who gets away safe!
Sasha. You are making quantum leaps towards progress and I am hoping tonight will be another giant step towards getting over your mm. You already have a spark with Mr PK and there’s nothing like someone interesting to get a girl over a MM. The fact that you are determined never to get back into a situation with your MM to prevent any more pain, is an astonishingly difficult but wise decision and takes alot of strength. Isn’t it funny to think that here we are, gathered under a common pain, disliked and frowned upon by those who have been wronged or just judgmental, from different continents, different ages, but the basic situation is the same and none of us are cruel, unkind sluts, just women whose feelings for the wrong person spiralled out of control. And we’re trying our best to move on with our lives and hoping that other women (K88 -
will never find themselves in such a dark place.
C230 Your new man sounds like he could be a keeper and is in a position to give you all the things you dream about. Write that screenplay, especially now when events are fresh in your mind. You have been through something momentous and traumatic so anyone who has been there, either as the OW, MM or the wife, will relate. In the long run, we’re all looking for the same thing and the OW is not a demon with horns, just someone looking for a soul mate and the reciprical love we all need so badly.
Back here, it’s a beautiful morning but my eyes are swollen and I’m so tired I could drop. My husband confronted me last night and we had a long, long talk. I told him that I didn’t have an affair as such, more of an emotional affair with no sex. (I know he would never forgive that). I said the MM and I were confiding in one another and really good friends (which he knew)but that we had developed feelings for one another, so it is probably better that we don’t see them any longer. Because of the fact that he badly wants to believe I didn’t sleep with the MM, he has accepted this explanation and we have agreed to plan a holiday away together.
I know it’s ungrateful and I feel wicked and wish I wasn’t so horrible but my heart sinks at the thought of spending all that time with him alone. He is such a nice guy (yes, they do exist), but because of my MM, I find my own husband boring, unsexy, too eager to please, sort of lacking in any kind of appeal. I must get over this - it’s nonsense I know. I will. Strangely enough, I keep thinking of you girls and telling myself that if you can get through it and control the pain, so can I. It’s such a relief to be able to talk to someone and know that none of us need be alone.
Ladies - from me to you - we’re all going to be just FINE!
Have tried to send a post twice now, some hours ago, but it still hasn’t gone through. Anyone else having problems?
Still can’t send this post, so am going to try and send it in two parts:
K88: The post from Sasha is spot-on and I could not have expressed it better. Please don’t let yourself if for the agony us girls have done through. If he’s still with his gf, all he can give you is a fling perhaps and certainly alot of unnecessary agony. Especially if he isn’t married yet but seems to heading that way. Save yourself whilst there’s still time
If it doesn’t start, it can’t end. At the moment you are intrigued and fascinated with him but your deep feelings haven’t yet been touched. Save those for someone who you are still to find perhaps, and who will see you as his no. 1. You could be the one amongst us who gets away safe!
Sasha. You are making quantum leaps towards progress and I am hoping tonight will be another giant step towards getting over your mm. You already have a spark with Mr PK and there’s nothing like someone interesting to get a girl over a MM. The fact that you are determined never to get back into a situation with your MM to prevent any more pain, is an astonishingly difficult but wise decision and takes alot of strength. Isn’t it funny to think that here we are, gathered under a common pain, disliked and frowned upon by those who have been wronged or just judgmental, from different continents, different ages, but the basic situation is the same and none of us are cruel, unkind sluts, just women whose feelings for the wrong person spiralled out of control. And we’re trying our best to move on with our lives and hoping that other women (K88 -
will never find themselves in such a dark place.
C230 Your new man sounds like he could be a keeper and is in a position to give you all the things you dream about. Write that screenplay, especially now when events are fresh in your mind. You have been through something momentous and traumatic so anyone who has been there, either as the OW, MM or the wife, will relate. In the long run, we’re all looking for the same thing and the OW is not a demon with horns, just someone looking for a soul mate and the reciprical love we all need so badly.
Here follows the rest of my post, which would not go earlier. Just a quick update which I tried to send this morning:
Back here, it’s a beautiful morning but my eyes are swollen and I’m so tired I could drop. My husband confronted me last night and we had a long, long talk. I told him that I didn’t have an affair as such, more of an emotional affair with no sex. (I know he would never forgive that). I said the MM and I were confiding in one another and really good friends (which he knew)but that we had developed feelings for one another, so it is probably better that we don’t see them any longer. Because of the fact that he badly wants to believe I didn’t sleep with the MM, he has accepted this explanation and we have agreed to plan a holiday away together.
I know it’s ungrateful and I feel wicked and wish I wasn’t so horrible but my heart sinks at the thought of spending all that time with him alone. He is such a nice guy (yes, they do exist), but because of my MM, I find my own husband boring, unsexy, too eager to please, sort of lacking in any kind of appeal. I must get over this - it’s nonsense I know. I will. Strangely enough, I keep thinking of you girls and telling myself that if you can get through it and control the pain, so can I. It’s such a relief to be able to talk to someone and know that none of us need be alone.
Ladies - from me to you - we’re all going to be just FINE!
magicdragon »
Just to let you and the rest know, if your post doesn’t appear, the chances are it is erroneously caught as spam. I do have the comment in the admin area and I just need to de-spam it for it to appear. So, you might need to be a little patient.
Tot’s Mom. Thanks - was beginning to wonder (and worry,) where it had gone to?
Hey Magicdragon, it sounds like you are making good steps in the right direction. it’s good that you talked to your husband, at least you both now kinda know where you stand and hopefully can work together to make things better. not seeing the other guy will help loads i have no doubt and just try and have fun with your husband even just ina friendly way and then maybe your feelings will start to resurface for him over time. i really hope they do
I have had the wierdest weekend, but it was kind of good. as you know i was going to a 30th birthday on saturday. i have a cousin who i am so close to who is like my sister really and it was her husbands 30th who i am also very good friends with. they have two young children who i adore and regularly look after, but i am really close to these guys. Anyway my ex (the one i was with for 6 years) also came out for the birthday do on sat because he became close to my cousins husband while we were together and they have stayed friends which has always been fine as i get on fine with my ex and when we bump into each other its is always just nice to see him but there are non of those feelings either side anymore. something i am pleased about but never expected to happen. i give him advice on girlfriends, and he even knows about my mm. wierd i know, but it’s great. anyway he was out on sat and so was the guy i told you about that i liked. my cousins husband had had a word with this guy and asked him to respect my ex and not do anything in front of him which is fair do’s but still a bit annoying as i don’ get to see this guy i like too often. so we were being very discreet with the little hands grabs as walking past and silly things like that until we managed to sneak away and spend a little time together. however as well as these two i also had the mm e-mailing me being friendly, although if im honest i would rather have not heard from him, which surprised me too. maybe a sign that i do want to move on even more. just to make it more complicated, my ex who i get on with, it was a year to the day that i broke up with him, so we ended up toasting being broken up a year. i ended up staying at my cousins along with a few others, the guy i like ended up going home as where we were out was near where he lived and i ended up sharing a bed with my ex. totally plationic, and i had pj’s lol, but what a wierd night. Have been thinking about the mm a bit today. i do still miss him so much sometimes and it does still get to me, but i know i have just got to stick with it. he wants to meet up as friends. its been a month since i’ve seen him which has gone soooo quickly. im not sure if it will be nice to see him yet, or if it is too soon, still deciding i think.
How has everyone else got on over the weekend? xx
Sasha. Yes, definitely a different kind of week-end you had! You are doing so well and my thoughts are that, if you give in now and see your MM, even if you mean to just keep it friendly, I think you may set yourself back. All this angst and agony in the past month - wasted, perhaps? I can’t help thinking that he is being a bit selfish, still contacting you, even if he insists it is just in a friendly way. He knows, as well as everyone, that if he stops having any contact with you, you will get over him much quicker. He must know that sending you messages etc, will keep him way up there in your mind. Even though he’s chosen his wife, I think he has a need to keep you there, still keen on him. Yes, he clearly has deep feelings for you still, and not just as a friend, though his brain is telling him that he should let it go, his heart isn’t listening. But what will the outcome be? For you, more time spent thinking about him and not really moving on as you should.
This is a truly difficult time for you now - especially since you are realizing you can get over him but in this case, over-confidence may well set you right back. And I have a funny feeling that if you do see him again, he will become alarmed that you are distancing yourself, and then he will turn on the charm and you’ll be snagged in the situation again.
Then again, who am I talk or give advice. So much easier when you’re on the outside looking in
Played golf with husband yesterday and for some reason, I burst into tears when he went off and returned, driving a golf cart because he said I was tired. He just looked so ridiculous driving it and all I could think of was that my MM and I enjoyed the exercise and the beauty of the course when we would play golf together, and we both thought people using golf carts were lazy and probably ancient too. No word from him but no surprises there. And this is weird too - I regret the end of my friendship with her, his wife - and I know I’ll miss her. I don’t feel wholly guilty yet for some odd reason, maybe because I truly believed that she didn’t really love him and would welcome a separation.
Sasha, be strong - you are so nearly out of this awful time and your ex sounds like a good friend - a substitute friend for the MM maybe? And there are clearly sparks between you and the guy you like. Am cheering you on from the sidelines.
Hi. I think you may be right about seeing him. I’m going to put it off a couple of weeks I think. I don’t want to put it off for too long as I don’t want it to be too weird when I do see him. I am keen to retain him as a friend and as I managed to do it with my ex I think I can do it with the mm too.
xxx
I have started getting attention from guys in different places, friends of friends, uni etc and I am actually enjoying it. it is showing me what else is out there even if not much is happening and it just reassuring me that I am onto better things and really do want someone full time if you know what I mean. The one thing that the mm and I always said was that we wouldn’t throw away our friendship and I do intend to keep my promise for my benefit and his. It wont be the easiest, but I do believe that if you want it then you can do anything. I think that once I start spending time properly with someone else it will be the final healer for me, I don’t think I can totally get my head round it till then. When I have kissed another guy since ending it, I don’t feel bad about it or think about my mm at all, the distraction does wonders for me, so maybe that’s my way or getting my head round it. My ex will always be a good friend, I loved him so dearly of many years and still do, but more like a brother really. He is a wonderful guy, but unfortunately he and I never clicked quite in the way I did with the mm. I can’t really explain it, I guess that every connection with someone is different, but I’m fighting for the best of all worlds. Nice guy to love me, mm as a casual friend and somehow cope with the chaotic life of my job and uni at the mo. I’m the busiest I’ve ever been with both, but its prob not a bad thing at the mo. I also go to New York in December for a week which I am immensely excited about with a girlfriend then on a Caribbean cruise over xmas, so I have plenty to look forward to
Sounds like everyone has their thoughts running circles in their head. I am becoming closer to my new guy. He has helped me so much around my house lately. I can’t imagine someone doing these things for me and not complaining and actually following through with it. I think I mentioned before that he helped me put a doll house together for my neice. Well, over the weekend, the heating element in my clothes dryer went out. I couldn’t get the part until Monday, so he came over yesterday evening and fixed it for me. Totally didn’t expect him to do that.
Here’s the kicker that has had my mind swimming. The new guy stayed with me on Friday night. I was dead asleep, but he moved a little and woke me up. When I looked over at him, I saw my MM, as clearly as if he were actually there. I thought I was dreaming, but I was awake. Funny how the mind plays tricks on you. I guess deep down in my subconscious, I was wanting it to be my MM. I couldn’t get back to sleep after that.
I am trying to figure out how to get past these sporadic feelings for my MM. I still love him and I hate to admit that he is like a tattoo on my heart, but I think that is how it will be. I still think about him every day even after I get off of the phone with my new guy, even when I am laying in bed with my new guy!!! Its so stupid. I have someone that will do anything for me, is TOTALLY single, no kids, never married, in my age bracket, no outstanding debt, but I still want what I can’t have right now. I remember someone mentioning the “forbidden fruit”. I think it is absolutely true. We always want what we can’t (shouldn’t) have. Even though I know I can’t have him right now and I have someone great, I still want him. WHY!!!!???? OMG, get me out of this hell in my head.
Hey C230.
Aww i do feel for you. it’s funny. if you had asked me while i was with my mm was it worth it, i would have said yes, i really would. i wouldn’t change any of the moments i had with him for the world, and they often creep into my mind without me being able to stop them and then i feel happy to remember how good it was and yet sad because it is no more! BUT now i wish i had never got into it. i don’t regret it, but i wish i hadn’t had to go through all the emotions i have felt and the loss of letting go of someone you love when you stil see potential. it is quite soul destroying on a bad day.
its funny, i once told my mm that i had fallen for him, but never uttered those 3 little words to him, i don’t know what he would have said. i was watching him sleeping on the last night i spent wih him and i said them then, i seemed to have an idea in my head that it would help with closure, how little i knew. i thought by knowing that it was my last night with him it would have made it easier, but it didn’t. i haven’t seen him since, and when i drove away it really felt like the end. the time has gone quickly since then, but i still get that ache in my heart for him when i let myself properly think about him. i wish i could look back on my relationship with my mm as fondly as i do my ex but i feel i am a long way from that place.
a lot of the time now i feel good about what is to come and want to get on with my future, but every so often my mind wandering comes back to my mm and stupidly racking my brains of how i could get him to leave his wife. i know i sound awful, im sorry. i wouldn’t go back to being his bit on the side again now, however much i miss him, the pain i have gone through has scarred me a lot, but I’d give so much for him to be single. I don’t think he ever will be.
His wife is very pretty, ad he seems to have an inferiority complex with her. He is always doing things way out his way to please her, yet she seems very unappreciative. She is very interested in her own life and he just has to tag along. She is very career focused and that comes first. She is also a twin and her sister lives in another country and that comes second. She regularly leaves him to go visit her twin and then he comes last. She doesn’t really have any friends, and isn’t the most sociable person from what I have been told in confidence by my friends who know her. Even the holidays they go on are always where she wants to go and always with her twin and her husband. In some ways I feel a little sorry for him. He is such a sweet guy and he has just great ideas and opinions, but in his life with her he just follows where she goes and what she wants. Their plans to move away are because she wants to live near her twin. They nearly bought a house that was nearly 15k over price just to live next door but much to my mm relief it fell through. As well as currently studying for 2 degrees at uni as well as working to try and keep up with her high salary and job spec the poor guy is now going to language classes to try and learn her native language. She is away so much and when she isn’t, they hardly see each other because he is always having to study. She is in a job she isn’t so keen on that keeps her away on average about 6 months of the year in total, but she would rather have the money to go shopping with than spend quality time with her husband. He told me that what he got out of our affair was the intimacy of ebing with someone else, even just cuddling up on the sofa watching some tv, or the little things like kisses and just being together. Little looks of affection, stuff like that, it comes so naturally to him to be like that, so I wonder what she Is like and how they are together if that is something he says he doesn’t get from his marriage. Whenever I was at their house there was never anything personal, no pictures of them, even a wedding one, and nothing to show or symbolize things they had done together. I asked him about it and he said she thinks sentimental things are silly. I just don’t get how these two people who are so different are together. Still they got married for a reason only just over a year ago, so there must be something in it for them both, I just don’t see it. Anyways, I’ve been thinking about that too much, way too much lol.
despite him saying he is happy with his wife, every so often he slips up and admits something. the other week he said he thought he was starved of attention a lot of the time. i tend to provoke these answers as he and i both ask a lot of questions so tend to get a lot of honesty out of each other, sometimes too much. i don’t think that truly happily married people cheat, however it is no guarantee that they will ever do anything about it, most tend to settle for what they have for a simple life. It’s a shame but a reality. it’s funny writing here is the first time in a few days that i have really thought about him in depth, i must be getting better at keeping him out my mind in depth. I sometimes think of his name or see his face quickly, like when I first wake up, but I don’t really just register it, its habit. I think of him then it’s gone.
i wait for the day when i realise a whole day has gone and i haven’t thought about him once, i may be waiting a while though.
I just saw my MM @ lunchtime. He was putting some materials in the back of his truck. He looked different, sort of like he had lost some weight. This is a big guy I’m talking about. He was 280 lbs of muscle when we were seeing each other. He is a record breaking bench press competitor. I hope he is not ill or worried about something that would cause him to lose weight. He did not see me because I was on a road that overlooks his office warehouse when I saw him.
After his wife became suspicious, we had to stop phone calls from our mobile phones since she knew my number. I found a site that will allow a person to use their own phone, but make their number appear on the caller ID as another number. (www.phonegangster.com) You purchase minutes like a calling card, only its digital. Anyway, I have used up all but about three minutes with that program and I have been keeping myself from purchasing more minutes because I know if I do, I will call him. I wanted to so badly today, but I just can’t let myself do that. I need to leave him alone. If he wants to contact me, he can and I will answer the phone, but I feel that I should just leave him alone and try to be happy and move on with my life. This is hard…
Het C230. you ar so right that it is hard, but i think that once you manage a bit a bit more seems okay and although there are moments when it doesn’t feel like it, it does get marginly easier. well done for staying strong. It takes a lot. How long has it been since you last spoke to him? its the one area i’m failing in, it’s only been a few days since i spoke to mine. how you do it i’ve no idea, i might have managed to swap to the platonic side which is going okay, but we both still get in touch quite regularly with each other.
Magicdragon, how are things with you? have you booked a trip yet? any changes with your husband, any sign of the light at the end of the tunnel? x
The last time I spoke to my MM was on August 21st. We were together on Aug 13th, so I had called to check on him because his wife was out of town and he had the kids by himself. He said he was fine and it was actually a great week without her being there nagging him over his shoulder constantly. That’s when we had the big conversation about how things should go with us and what we should be doing. I think I talked about that in an earlier post.
Just passing him on the road, seeing him at the football game, and seeing him at his office, has really kept him in my mind. He lives around my area, so I know I’m going to see him from time to time, but I wish I could get past this. I want to talk to him so bad. I want to see him and wrap my arms around him even more.
The new guy is still hanging in there, but I still can’t see myself with him forever. I don’t know what it is because he is so sweet and kind. He’s always helping me. When he stays the night during the week, I always get up at 5 a.m. to pack his lunch for him. He works outside all day and I think a nice lunch from his lady makes his day go better. Sometimes I put little notes in his lunch. They don’t say much, just stuff like, hope your day is going well, thanks for fixing my dryer, see you soon…nothing special, but he likes it. I am trying to get myself to be into him like I think I should be, but I’m just not getting there.
I recently read a book about arranged marriages and it really opened up a new avenue of thinking for me. These women don’t know their husbands when they get married. One woman said she didn’t even like her husband, much less love him when they were married. But their families matched them and knew they would end up being perfect for each other. That same lady said that it took her two years before she slept with her husband. She wanted to get to know him first, they were strangers to each other. After a while, she began to love him and see the qualities that made her parents choose him for her. I guess what I’m trying to say is, maybe I don’t think he is perfect right now, but if I give him time and get my MM out of my head, he will soon come to be perfect for me, even though he probably won’t change anything about himself.
The sad part is, I don’t think I will ever get my MM completely out of my head. I believe he will always float into my thoughts periodically.
oh my, not since then, you have done well. i didn’t realise it had been that long. you really do have such strength and should be proud of yourself. really!!
i think what you wrote is really interesting and i do believe you are right actually. i have always got to know people as friends before anything happened and with my mm and my long term relationship didn’t think of either of these men in a way that was romantically linked, but as i grew to know them as people and understand them i started to appreciate them for all their qualities and from there love grew, so i think you are 100% spot on right!
i understand your feeling about worrying if you will ever get over him as i have the exact same fears myself. i do think it is strongly linked to never knowing what could have been and that burning question what if which is a great shame, but hard to shift. its thinking about that and letting my mind wander that brings out my weak side in getting over him but i can’t seem to stop myself and my mind wandering.
A friend of my mothers has been seeing a married man for 22 years. she claims he is the love of her life. she has had a happy and successful life and is always doing things and on holiday etc (she is in her 50’s) but she claims to be happy with how it works. his wife app doesn’t know but they take holidays 4 or 5 times a year and she sees him every week, but they still live separate lives. i wish i knew how it was enough for her, because then i could have had that happiness with the guy i love, but it wasn’t enough for me just having somone part time.
However, i swear i would never get involed with another married man and would warn of anyone from getting into it because it only ends in tears sadly.
My MM has told me that he loves me on several different occassions. The first time, I didn’t know how to react, so I didn’t say anything. The second time, we were doing something together and he just came out with it and explained why he feels this way toward me. He said its not just because he feels like he should say it, it is because he wants to let me know how he feels and is tired of hiding his feelings from me. He went on to mention that he loves everything about me.
The next few times he said it, I said it back and I meant it. The last time I passed him while driving down the street, he mouthed it to me and I mouthed it right back to him. Its true, I do love him and I can’t help it, but I realize that things cannot be going on between us and we need something to happen or I’m going to be with someone else that I am not totally happy with and he’s going to be stuck married to someone he despises for the rest of his life.
hey c230
do you think honestly that it will ever change? do you think he will ever leave his wife?
i was reading another blog thing on this site and from what all the other women have written on it, it seems that if men are going to leave their wives they do it pretty soon, and if they don’t then they prob never will. slightly depressing i know but a fact that i need to wise up to i think sadly
Even sadder that i would give up pretty much anything if i thought it would encourage my mm to leave his, but i am 99% sure deep down that it will never ever happen
I don’t think he will leave her soon, but I do think that eventually, like when his kids are at least in middle school (12 years old) that he will start to have more time to look at his life and how it has been with her. He has led a miserable existence with her. He has told me that he can’t remember the last time they had a good time and he has enjoyed himself with her. Usually if he is having a good time, its when he has the kids by himself.
Moving on sucks…
all ur stories are somewhat similar to mine.
i have a bf of 3 yrs.Our relationship is stagnant.he’s not thinking of the future and somehow or rather i don’t feel secured with him.
And i met this guy, Oj . He’s married but he got no kids.He’s wife is attached overseas for maybe 3-6 yrs.And so he’s living alone.
And at first,we only had talks and long conversations.And being young,he would advise me to continue studying and to think of the future and not kid around.And i took up part time studies with him motivating me all the time.He even promised to be by myside until i finished my studies.
As days passed,we grew more attached towards each other.We confessed our feelings towards each other.But everytime we touched on our relationship,both of us would not be able to answer.As much as i hated to be the other party,i do not wanna let him go.It goes the same to him too.
Sometimes i would just not text him but he would text me asking how my day was and all that.
He even told me that he tries to forget me but in the end he just cant.He once said that im a nice girl and he doesnt want me to get hurt and that whatever we’re doing, it neither right nor wrong.
Right now,i’m seriously confused.I like this man & i starting to love him.He’s being such a nice guy motivating me and stuffs like that. And the fact that all his friends know about us sometimes makes me happy that he’s not afraid of people knowing abt us. But on the other hand,i feel guilty.
And im just afraid that im a rebound to him coz he’s wife is attached overseas for 3-6 yrs and he’s all alone.
Gosh im so confused.
To omg: I say just be friends with this guy. His wife is overseas serving her country and is obligated to perform her duties. I’m guessing he knew this would happen at some point before they were married, so its not like he married her before she was enlisted. I’m sure he is lonely and in need of female companionship, but steer clear of anything intimate (if its not too late). Having a good female friend can really help him get through this time when his wife is away. However, upon her return, if you are still friends with him, you will need to meet this woman. If everything goes well, you may build a great friendship with both of them.
On the other hand…If they were having marital problems before she left, there may be some things left unsaid to which she has no control over because she is away. If this is the case, talk to him about it. Try not to put words in his mouth. Let him tell you the truth and give him a chance to say everything that he needs to say. At this time, he needs to find a way to talk to his wife about their relationship and figure out what they want to do with their lives.
You must realize that these things take time. Its not as complicated because they don’t have children involved. Dissolving a marriage takes time and can be heartbreaking regardless of the situation. When lives change, people change, so expect him to be a little testy if this happens.
Hows everyones situations going? How you ladies feeling right now?
I’m so messed up I can’t see straight. That’s how I’m doing. I saw my MM this morning on my way to work. He got right behind me in the line of traffic to get into the city and waved at me. His truck looked like he had wrecked it on the driver’s side, so I’m not sure what happened because I haven’t spoken to him for so long. I think I’m going to end up caving in and calling or texting him soon. I don’t want to and I hope I can keep myself from doing it, but I just have to know how things are with him.
My new guy continues to be more than great to me. I hate that I don’t think I can be faithful to him. I don’t see myself married to this guy and I try really hard to invision that. It’s just not visible to me. I’m beginning to think that I need to see a psychotherapist about my issues, but I don’t really have the $$ to do that right now. I’m just having a hard time getting over everything and moving on. HELP!!!
Hey C230, well i’m kinda as much of a mess as you are. I saw my mm yesterday. i went into my old work to see my old friends as i was in the area and my mm was there too. it was soooooooo good to see him. we had a proper catch up and it was brill. we just light up when we are together and theer is asuch a feeling of being relaxed and happy to be with each other. its amazing. when i went to leave, everyone had been giving me a hug and he did the same. just smelling his aftershave sent emotions running through me and i didn’t want to let go. i got in my car and burst into tears. i couldn’t tell you what i listened to for 3 hours at uni last night because i just sat staring into space thinking about him. i miss him desperately. i still don’t think i would go back into seeing him while he is still with his wife, (only because i know the pain of breaking up would come again and i don’t think i could handle it again) but it kills me not being with him. he messaged me after telling me that it was really good to see me and that i looked really well and that he found it hard saying goodbye to me when i left and that he felt so much when giving me a hug. we were e-mailing afterwards and he told me that he felt the same as i did, to which i replied that he can’t do because if he felt as strongly as i do then he would have had to have told me (hinting that he’d have to had done something about it). i don’t know if he got the hint. i didn’t realise till seeing him again how much it still hurts. not seeing him really did make a difference to how i felt and it helped. i am back to my head trying to think of how i can encourage him to leave her. i haven’t got the guts to say it directly, prob cos i know the answer. plus i don’t want to get in a situation where i want to beg and right now i’d do pretty much anything for him to want to be with just me. i don’t think i can but i wish i could. i’ve give up so much to be with him. argh life is very unfair.
C230, if you can hold off the contact then do. trust me, its hurts 10000000 times more when you see/talk to them, i promise you, from being okay i am once again feeling pretty rubbish about it all. there are some things that i got from my relationship with my mm that i would never wish away they were amazing, but i wish i had never realised how much it hurts to not be able to have the one you love and adore because it is such an awful pain.
I feel like I have to “out” this man. He is screwing with my best friend. She is single and waiting around for him to leave his wife. And I know and I think she knows deep inside that he will never but she hangs on. He is a creep. HIs name is Jerry, he lives in new york city. he has been married for twenty years, he tells her he hates his wife but never leaves. he has kids but they are old enough to understand. i tell my friend to run for the hills but she loves him and he gives her hope that he will leave her. she will kill me if she ever sees this but if anyone thinks they might know him and wants more details, post here - i want his wife to find out, leave him and have my frined be strong to leave him also so h e is left cold. i don’t blame anyome who falls in love with amarried man but i do blame the man who leads a girl on. i hate him.
Hailey,
I don’t think you should say anything right now. Your friend will have to learn on her own that he is never going to follow up on his promises. You can suggest things to her, but try not to come straight out with it. Hopefully, she’ll take the hint and open her eyes. This way, you can still be friends and she won’t get mad at you. You obviously care for her, so stay friends with her because she will need you if this thing goes in the crapper.
I really liked your last comment on your post. I feel like people are so quick to judge “the other woman” as being evil. I am not an evil person, nor did I lead my MM on. I was actually the one trying to break it off by not calling him only to have him continuously call me to keep things going. Its been going on for two years now. I still love him and can’t imagine my life without him eventually.
I know, deep down, that I am meant to be with this man. No matter what is happening in our lives, we always trail back to each other somehow. We bump into each other in public and pass each other on the road on a frequent basis. I would say that every other weekend when I am out, I will meet someone that knows him. I don’t know this person when I start talking to them, but we somehow get on the subject of mutual acquaintences and I find out that this person knows him. He says that he encounters the same thing quite frequently when he is on a job site or at an event. I don’t think there could be a bigger hint from fate. We are destined to be together at some point in our lives, its just not right now. He has his children that he worries about. He has financial obligations with his home that would be nearly impossible to dissolve at this time. It is very difficult to explain, but a person can’t just split from their family. Actually, a person can do that, but a responsible person that cares about his family will not even dream of it.
Sasha,
I can only imagine what your mind is doing to you right now. Your feelings have been stirred again and most likely, you feel like you are back at square one. I’m not sure what to tell you, but I know it is hard to totally halt contact with these men that we love so much. I am living with a double edged sword right now. I have a man that I have been seeing lately and he seems to be very fond of me. But, if my MM comes back into my life, I am afraid that this great man with no obligations will be kicked to the curb. I can stay with the new guy with favorable consequences, but then again, I LOVE my MM, which can be unfavorable at times because he is, after all, MARRIED. I can tell you honestly, I do not love, nor do I think I will ever love this new guy. There is just something about him…not sure what, but he’s kind of dopey and clumsey. He’s always tripping over things and his breath smells horrible at times. Its not just morning breath, it can be any time of the day. Nobody is perfect, but I’m beginning to wonder if I can live with this. Marriage is forever and I want to get married, but I don’t think this guy is the one. I have no reason to break up with him though. I feel it would be shallow of me to break up with him because he’s dopey, clumsey and has bad breath. He is a very good person and will help anyone in need. He is great with my son and is very kind to me, but I feel that he is not the one. I don’t want to be too hasty about breaking it off with him because I know I will look back on it and begin to see how stupid I was for letting a great person slip through my hands.
I haven’t been comparing him to my MM very much either. At first, I would see him do things and think to myself that my MM would never do that or he would do it differently. But I made myself stop that so that I could possibly see the good in this new man. Its not working….
Hey C230
You’re right it does feel a bit like square one. I have even been asking myself would I go back to seeing him while he is still with his wife and I can’t say def no, which makes me realise that I have stepped backwards. I am now running scenarios on my head again of him and I being together. I have even considered if I think he would go back into seeing me on the side again. I’m actually not sure if he would to be honest, I think he has realised how much it was hurting me and also I don’t think he wants to be that cheating person either. It’s hard cos I wouldn’t want to go through the pain of ending it again and loosing him, but what I would give right now to spend time just lying in his arms and being with him in that way is massive. He knows I am still finding it hard and if I turned round and said that I want to be with him like that again I think he may say no for my feelings and his. I think I’m too scared to ask him. I didn’t want to be thinking these things again but honestly I am and I know it’s bad for me in the long run, but I can’t help it.
C230, would you go back to seeing your mm on the side again? Even if you had no guarantee that you would ever get him to be just yours? Am I crazy evening thinking about suggesting to him about starting it up again? If I did, do you think I’ll be in the right mindset to meet someone else? I do know really that my mm would never leave his wife, so I know and do want to meet someone else. I am just unhappy not being with him and maybe if we did I could be happy with that and be in a happier place to meet someone new? Please let me know what you think honestly as I am in slight turmoil and I value your advice
Well my situation changed again yesterday. i heard from my mm and, i think i mentioned a while ago that he was looking at moving to europe next year as that is where his wife is from, well he has an interview for a job that could start in 3 weeks, so he could be out the country for good in a month. i am absolutely devastated. know that in the long run it is a good thing because it will give my heart time to heal, but i could handle not seeing him when he was 10 miles down the road but if he goes to Portugal, then i have a strong fear that i will never see him again once he goes. as with a lot of you, i had deep down hopes that maybe one day it was me that he would want to be with, but i think that when he goes, over time, he will just forget about me. i really am so gutted. i can’t face letting go forever. i haven’t had chance to even talk to him about it as he told me by e-mail y’day and then as its his birthday today when he got in afterwards there were some friends there for dinner that his wife had arranged and he is going to london for work today so i think i’m gonna just have to wait to hear the full story. i’m sure this is fate doing the right thing, but why it let me realise me and this guy have such a deep connection to then take him out my life forever i really will never know
For those who are interested, I have started a new blog that deals specifically with this topic of being the other woman. You can visit through the link. Do drop by!
Sasha,
To answer your question about seeing my Mm again…Right now, I am seeing someone and I’m not sure if I would fall back into my old habits with my MM. It’s a touchy thing. I, without a doubt, still love my Mm very much and I feel like my life would be incomplete without him. However, I know that his life situation will not allow us to be together at this time.
For your situation, I think this is happening for a reason. If I would ever get back with my MM, it would only be with the absolute promise that things would go a certain way. I don’t think I would ever want him if I couldn’t have him completely. That was the plan at first, but after looking at the reality of our lives, we both knew that it is not possible right now.
I have to tell you that I would be totally devastated if my MM were to move anywhere right now. Reason being, if he were to move somewhere with his family, that would tell me that he is even more committed to her than he cares to mention. If he moves, there are more things involved than just a job, there is a committment to his wife.
I have noticed that since I have halted all contact with my MM, except for the occasional wave hello in the morning, I have felt myself moving towards a better relationship with the new guy. At first, it wasn’t so easy. I wanted to be with my MM more than ever. I, like you, just wanted his arms around me and to be with him. But there comes a time when we have to realize that its not going to happen. You said yourself that you know he will never leave his wife, so I suggest that you try to move on and find someone to help get you past this. Even if you find a guy that you don’t really see yourself with, go out with him and try to have a good time. You’ll be surprised what it can do for your self esteem and progress towards moving on.
On the thought of things happening for a reason…
I used to get upset if I were running late for work because of traffic or something happened at my house that caused me to get behind in my morning routine. I began to realize that I was running late because if I were on time, I may have been in the car accident that was holding up traffic. If my hot water tank had not went out, I would have been on time with my shower and most likely been in the accident that happened ten minutes before I arrived upon it.
I recently had to get rid of a car that I absolutely LOVED to drive. It was sexy, red, and fast! I started having suspension problems, steering issues, and other small malfunctions. I ended up trading the car in for something lower in class, cheaper and not as sexy. After driving my new car for a few weeks and getting used to not being able to drive as fast or feel like I did when I had the other car, I realized that I probably had to get rid of that car for a reason unbeknownst to me. I believe that the other car was beginning to become unsafe to drive. I had steering problems that caused me to have a hard time steering around curves, suspension problems that caused my back end to sling around on wet roads and minor computer problems that may have left me stranded on the side of the road in a strange area without help. I could have been in a car accident that may have taken my life.
Since all signs pointed to getting rid of the car, I did it, even though I didn’t want to. Now, I feel much more safe and have more money in my pocket because I’m not shelling it out on car repairs.
When I’m in a relationship and it ends, I think to myself that there must be something better for me out there or this relationship would have worked. That’s how I am looking at things right now in my life. The relationship with my MM is not happening right now for a reason. Maybe the reason is because I am supposed to be with this new guy. Maybe the reason is because I am supposed to be with someone else. Maybe the reason was to make me realize how hard it can be to dissolve a marriage so that somewhere down the road of life, I don’t make hasty decisions regarding marriage. Whatever the reason may be, rest assured that there is a reason.
Hey C230
i like your logic and i believe that everything happends for a reason also, however it goes both ways wiethmy mm moving away is meant to happen and i do believe that, but what was the reason for he and i clicking in the way we did as that also happened for a reason. life works in funny ways, i can only hope that it gets better as i would like to think that one day i will be happier than i am now, but you just never know sadly
Sasha,
Maybe the reason you met him was to help you gain a better understanding of what you are looking for in a life mate.
When I was in my early to mid twenties, I would start dating someone and think that there could never be anyone better. We got along great and everything was wonderful. As time went on and I got to know them better, I found out I was wrong and there were some things about that person that I totally missed in the beginning because as we all know, love is blind.
Sit down and make a list of good vs bad with this man and be completely honest with yourself. I did this when I was having a hard time getting used to my new guy. He is great and has no commitments, except to his job, but for some reason, I couldn’t get totally into him and I couldn’t figure it out. Once I sat down and looked at it on paper, it helped me to get closer to him. In comparison, my MM is less desirable, even though he has some very astonishing qualities. He is a wonderful human being and I will probably always love him and have a place in my heart for him. For starters, he is married (duh), he has a lot of debt, children (not a bad thing, but it is something to deal with…mamma drama), a looney wife that will do anything to make him miserable (thus, my life would be miserable), and let’s face it…trust issues. Would I be able to completely trust this man after he has cheated on his wife? I can’t live a life of wondering what someone else is doing and if they are actually doing what they told me.
After looking at my list and comparing the two men, I realized that I had learned a lot from my MM relationship. I learned to choose your mate wisely because it sucks to be married to someone you hate and have nothing in common with. I learned that no matter how much you love someone, if the timing is not right then you must move on. If it is meant to be, then it will be. I learned that your heart can be a good judge, but its not the final word. Your brain has to work with your heart to make a good decision.
Even though I truly have great love for my MM, it would be very hard to live a life with him right now because he has so many things that need taken care of (ie. debt, children, home, contract job obligations). My new guy has no children, never married, no debt, good job, loves my son and is fun to be with. He is basically unattached to anything. We can do what we want. We don’t have to stay where we are because there are children involved. I can take my son anywhere I please and we can live the life we choose. If I were to be with my MM, after a divorce, we would have to stay put because the children would need to be near their mother. We wouldn’t be able to have much of anything because of his debt, plus owing child support. We would probably never be able to plan things, like a vacation, because we have to schedule around the kids and his ex-wife since he would allow her to rule our lives anyway (like she currently does him).
Remember these two quotes by two great philosophers
“Life goes on within you and without you” - George Harrison
“And, in the end, the love you make is equal to the love you take” - Paul McCartney
Hey C230
Your message really helped and i know you are right. i do want to move on. i have learnt lots of things from different relationships, and a good deal of that was from my mm.
i’ve felt better about it all the last couple of days. last week it kinda got worse but i do seem to have come out of it better. the moving away thing was a massive shock for me last weekend and really threw me into turmoil, but it also was a little bit of closure too.
i don’t think i will see him again after he has gone. i will see him before because i want to say goodbye. he has made a massive impact on my life and i think he has changed me forever in some ways so there will always be a part of him in me. I found good things with him and i have to be thankful for that.
i like the quotes, they are both very relevant and can easily be forgotton too.
we will see what happens, time will tell.
I wonder whats happened to magicdragon, its been a good week since we’ve heard anything
I’ve been thinking about the other posters on this site too. Magic Dragon, latenightmom, K88…they seem to have disappeared at the moment. Hope everything is okay.
Im still here, i check everyday to see if anyone has written something new….I like reading all the great advice you ladies have.
I wonder if Magic Dragon is on holidays with her hubby maybe?
i finally did something that was way overdue yesterday. i asked my mm to not contact me. in the last week i had been thinking about him a lot and in slight panic mode about him moving away, but its taken a week and i now realise there is nothing i can do. i know he cares about me, but just not enough unfortunately. now is the right time to let go properly, but it is really really hard. when i asked him to just leave it now he got really upset that i didn’t want to stay friends as he said it was really important to him and he knew that we could be if we tried, but i explained my reasons and i think he understood. i think he realised just how much i am still hurting and he has agreed that he won’t contact me unless i contact him first. i feel like i have just cut my arm off. i didn’t sleep last night after doing it and i feel awful, really sick to the stomach, but i know it’s right and i had to do it, i just hope the pain gets easier soon. i want to stop loving him and get on with my life and i hope that by doing this it will make it easier in the long run.
Sasha,
You will most likely want to contact him. Since the option was left up to you, you will begin to think that he is waiting on you to call him. When you think like this, start doing something else. Clean your house, watch television, call a friend, go to the gym, do SOMETHING. That’s what I did every time I wanted to call my MM. Now, if I even start thinking about him, I quickly direct my thoughts to something or someone else. I’m telling you, I have been a busy bee lately trying to keep my mind off of him! My house is nearly spotless, I have watched the entire Soprano’s series twice, my friends are sick of me and I have worked out until I can’t sit down. Good new is, I’m always prepared for company to visit, I can carry on an intelligent conversation with the FBI and my thighs are rock hard.
Hey C230
i think you are right. it’s hard even a couple of days in. i prob wouldn’t have contacted him, but its the fact that i’m not letting myself which makes it harder, and makes me want to. i will try and keep myself busy. unf i’m on half term at uni which is annoying, more time on my side. like you i have been watching sopranos but for the first time. i’m half way through series 5 and love it!! its hard because i ceased contact because i thought it was the right thing to do, not because i wanted to. i thought it would help me in the long run and i’m sure it will, but i still have lots of scenarios in my haed of wanting to bump into him both now and in the future. i feel a bit like an idiot really, because he knows how i feel about him and he knows that i want to be with him, but he has made it clear that he is staying with his wife. i just don’t know why he is so keen to stay friends. i kinda am, but i think i’d get over it in time. i was trying to get a reaction out of him the other day and i said i didn’t want to be friends and he got really upset. i just don’t get it. since the affair ended the friendship we had hasn’t been the same. he even said that the weekend that even if i wanted to, he would never go back into seeing me on the side because he is scared that his feelings for me would get even deeper and then he wouldn’t know what to do. to me that flags up that he must be missing something at home if he thinks he could so easily end up having such strong feelings for someone else, but he doesn’t seem to see t that way and i wasn’t going to say it to him.
argh, it’s so hard, i wish i had never got involved with a mm and i wouldn’t wish dealing with it on anyone because it’s horrible
i sound as though i’m really miserable reading this. i am generally happy in life, i have a lot of good things, but i guess that problems of the heart mean so much they kind of takover everything else in a way
I think he wants to stay friends because he wants to keep you on the end of the line so he can yank you back when he feels like it. I felt this way towards my MM. He would go for two months without calling me, then out of the blue, my phone rings. After two months, I was starting to come to grips with the fact that he didn’t want anything to do with me. But then its like starting back over as soon as I speak to him. As of right now, I have not contacted my MM for two months. That seems to be the time frame allowed by him before he calls to check on me. I guess we’ll see. I do know that I WILL answer the phone when he calls. There is really no reason for me to not answer the phone. I have found someone new and that relationship is going very well. He is good to me and is not a jealous person. Even if I were sitting right beside of my new guy, I would still answer the phone. If my MM wants to talk, that’s fine. Usually we are just catching up anyway. I miss him and I hate to admit it because I have someone in my life now. Its just a different type of relationship with each man. There are little inside jokes that I have with my MM and I like that. I guess in time I will have those little jokes with my new guy, but for now, I guess that’s what I’ll have to give it…time.
I know what you mean, but i don’t see why he would want to. if he came to me now and ever tried to convince me a little bit to start things up again, i’m a bit weak at the mo and i prob would. Esp as i know by accident from a friend who mentioned it in passing that his wife goes away on thursday for 3 weeks. i know it’s bad. i don’t get it though because he has no reason to keep me in his life. he doesn’t want to go back, he has no intention of ever leaving his wife for me, so i don’t know why he would want to stay in touch. he will soon be in a new country with his wife and starting their new life together there. Despite this he seems to want to stay i touch and hear what i’m up to etc.
it’s so hard. i have left it at the mo with him that i needed to decide whether or not i could do the friednship thing. he said he wouldn’t contact me till i contact him and let him know what i think. however i think if i say nothing in a couple of weeks he will check i’m okay cos i know his routine now. i want to and think i should call it a day, but the thought of asking him never to contact me again seems horrendous, it really does. i would love to do the friend thing if i could without messing my head up every time i hear from him. part of me would like to meet up with him as friends before he goes and just go for some tea or something because he was my friend and kinda still is and even from that point of view him leaving the country is a big thing. i know we could meet up and it would be totally platonic and we could do just the friend thing, but i don’t want to be happy when i’m with him and have a good time, then be in tears when i’m on my own again. i dunno. i don’t want to regret not seeing him to say goodbye in years to come.
Sorry have babbled a lot here, but just totally confused
Maybe he is a little insecure in female relationships. I’m kind of getting that he won’t leave his wife because she is a “sure thing”, since they have already locked in the deal by getting married. He may be afraid that she might possibly leave him at some point, therefore, he keeps you on the end of a rope. He cares for you and wants to stay friends, but you have to do what is best for you. I don’t think being on an emotional roller coaster is the best way to be. I have been there and it is not good. I was on the brink of losing it (not because of MM), but thank goodness for great friends.
I am hoping that you will meet someone new and be able to get your MM out of your mind for the most part. I am trying to do that right now and it is very difficult, but I think it is working. I keep thinking of how my life might be with my new guy versus how my life would be with MM. The new guy has great husband potential, but its taking me a while to get where I want to be with him.
I just hope things work out and we can both move on and get our lives where we want them.
i know what you mean. He’s a funny one though. he was married before when quite young and he left his first wife because she was desperate for a baby and he wasn’t ready. i believe he may have cheated on her also. not a great record. i would love to be a fly on the wall and see them together. Although it would be hard i think it would be an interesting watch. It does in some ways seem to be a marriage of convenience. they have a house together in the UK and they have a couple of properties in Portugal where she is from and they are moving too that they rent out i believe. He is someone who loves attention and just being with someone makes him happy. She is away i would guess 3-4 months a year approx in total without him and he puts up with this, but not really sure why. He doesn’t like being left alone or ignored. I remember him telling me once that despite her being unhappy in her job she wouldn’t change it because of the money, but personally if it didn’t enjoy my job and i was away from my husband that much, then the money really wouldn’t matter. i’d rather spend quality time with my loved one than have a few extra pennies in my account. i dunno. i prob shouldn’t be thinking about it, but it does all still run through my head. Also, his wife is pretty and he has insecurities about it. he isnt bad looking at all, i think he’s rather sweet looking, but she does stand out a little more than him so i think he kinda thinks he did well by getting her, but as per the norm people who are good looking usually lack something elsewhere which i think may be the case with her.
i need to move on and forget, but even now it is still very fresh in my mind and a naive part of me just can’t let go of that little hope that he may change his mind. i think by making the commitment of moving back to Portugal with her he is signing himself away for life and i don’t think after that he would ever leave her or contemplate their marriage not being for life now, it’s just a shame as i think he is wasted on her and she doesn’t have a clue how lucky she is.
After your last post, I REALLY think he has insecurities about himself and the relationships he has been involved with. I know it hurts, but I think it would be best for you to move on and try to put him in the back of your thoughts. Get involved in something with your community so that you can stay busy. I have found that getting involved in activities opens up the door of opportunity to meet new people. Plus, you can find a way to gain work experience towards your career choice by volunteering with reputable organizations.
i work full time (and long hours at that) then am at uni mon and wed nights 6-9pm. i work late on a thurs, try and have a early night on a tuesday. Friday night i try and see friends, sat day i run errands and see family, sat nights i either do something with a friend like dinner or a movie then sundays i do my studying, so not much time spare really. it’s mad, i shouldn’t have time to think about him, but i do, i find time somewhere in all that lol. i think when he is actually gone and in another country i will find the closure i am looking for. i hope so anyway. It’s silly really, but i have a lot going for me if i think about it and i should be making the most out of life, not worrying about a guy who will never be mine
Just a quick post, good breakthrough this morning. for the past 6 months my mm is the first thing i think of every morning without fail, i got as far as my journey to work this morning and something on the radio reminded me of him. very small and silly, but it means i’m breaking my pattern which has gotta be good
GREAT!!! I noticed this with myself after about a month had passed.
However, I had a step back this morning. I had a very…uhummmm…nice dream about my MM. I don’t know what made me dream it, but I did. I have not really been thinking about him lately. I had got up with my new guy to fix his breakfast and get his lunch ready before he went to work. He has to leave pretty early, so I went back to bed. That’s when the dream occurred. It was so real, like he was actually in my home. The dream was him coming through the door, like normal, and talking to me, then we went up to my bedroom. When I woke up I was was so confused, like did this really just happen? My brain had not awoke from the dream just yet. Now, I know I am going to be analyzing this for the next week over and over in my head. I think it all boils down to flat out just missing him to pieces. I want to talk to him so bad, but like you, I realize that he is not going to leave his wife and things will never be the way I want. I just hope I can be strong. My thumbs are on my mobile phone dying to send a text…
Awww i do feel for you, i really do. i’ve had many a though/dream like that before myself.
well after my slight positive y’day although i did think of him first this morning, i messaged him and asked him to give me a couple of months peace and then to see what he thought and only messsage me then if he really wants to. i hope this will break my habit of checking my e-mail to see if he has contacted me. i imagine that he prob will, but it leaves no specific time, i may hear from him over christmas or after, or not at all. but by leaving it in his hands and asking for time i hope it will make it kinda out of my control. i feel strong that i can keep it up and i think that a couple of months even with no contact is gonna work wonders. the longest i have gone since i met him is 6 days, so i think this could be good for me, yet it doesn’t feel 100% final forever so i don’t feel that i havan’t cut off a limb.
we will see, but i think this could be just what i need and i hope it will make a difference.
Hello Ladies.
Firstly can I thank all of you for all the advice you have openly given here. I am in the same situation and feel so trapped as I know that my married man is about to dump me as I mistakenly opened my mouth and said I was tired of being in limbo…. I should have kept my mouth shut but you know I am only human and can only take so much. Being patient and nice and kind for his every bit of his miserable life with his wife is too hard to bear. I love him unconditionaly but if he wants to leave me he can.. I can’t stop him right.. I just feel like I have wasted my time.. what has the last year brought me apart from grief and pain? yes good time happy times and lots of “I love you”s but in the end I lost. All the hope in the world can’t make this one right but like one lady said.. he is the stuck one not us. I can only pray and hope that one day we all find happiness. I know we are not evil or bad to want to ruin other people’s lives… I found out after 9 months that he was married.. hahaha ahaa what madness, in too deep to walk away after i found out but here i am now 4 months after finding out and still too weak to leave… he’s leaving me now because he feels like he can’t give me 100% ok.. fair do’s but still it breaks my heart and I don’t know how to go on but I am trying hard to be strong.. the break up is about to happen and he has already said he is leaving me on our chat room online which makes me laugh but apparantly he says he will come and meet me to discuss in a civilised manner.. hhmm his last ounce of respect. Never mind girls.. let’s keep our chins up and thank god we still have our health and our families/friends. Life is long and we only have one shot at it so why not try to fix up and go for it again.. we haven’t got married or had kids yet so why not enjoy the freedom. I can only keep sane by thinking of positive because the negatives get me down too often.
xxx
LaaLaaLand,
No, you shouldn’t have kept your mouth shut. Giving him a reason to break things off with you should tell you how he really feels. The fact that he tells you that he is leaving you on a chat room is ridiculous. You just need to get on with your life and forget about this classless man.
He may be miserable with his wife, but he is not making you happy in your life by staying with her and dragging you along. He is playing puppeteer and you are the marionette. He looks at you and says “Watch, if I pull this string, she’ll follow me and do anything I want”. Since you are not playing along with this they way he intended by letting him know how you really feel, he must tug on the strings a little to keep you playing by his rules and making HIM happy.
Also, I think since he was hiding the fact that he is married from you is a big red flag to the indication of his character. I think most of the women on this post, including myself, knew what we were getting into from the start because our MM told us they were married and their situations with their wife/family. You were not informed about his marital/family status and its hard to stop something that you have fallen into so quickly. If he was an honest person, he would have been upfront with you about his situation and not pulled you along only to upset you later.
My advice is to get as far away from this man as possible. He sounds like a manipulative jerk. Sorry, but I can’t stand men that put women in distraught emotional situations. It may not be a big deal to him, but it is to you or you wouldn’t have been thinking about it enough to write on this site. He needs to either fix it and speak to his wife about how he feels or leave you alone.
Hey Sasha and C230 i have a question for you….
This weekend i did something bad and unlike me at all and i just need to hear some opinions.
I went out for a birthday party saturday and i ended up hooking up with a friend of my ex. And of course my ex found out and is super pissed. We broke up a year ago but started seeing other people about 6 months ago. My question is, does my ex have a right to be mad at me? Was it wrong of me? He texts me every half hour with insults and rude comments. He cant get over it. I dont know what to do or how i should handle this. Any suggestions?
K88,
I have put myself in your shoes in order to answer your question and I don’t think he has a right to be mad at you. If you broke up a year ago, then he really shouldn’t care. Even though you know he obviously cares since he is acting out, it shouldn’t make a difference. However, it sort of depends on the type of break up and the relationship you had and the relationship you have had since the breakup. If your ex is someone that you had a long (more than a year) relationship with then he might be bitter since finding out what happened. If you have continued to have a friendly relationship since your breakup, then he might have been thinking that you would eventually get back together. Therefore, when you hooked up with his friend, it was a slap in the face to him. But still, if you’re not together then he shouldn’t be showing his angry feelings toward you. He should keep them to himself and let it die down before saying something he regrets.
I really think he should stop with the rude and inappropriate text messages and leave you alone. He is jealous and can’t stand the thought of you with another. You are not with him and he should not be bothering you.
Why did he need to know about this anyway? Did his friend tell him? If so, then don’t go near the friend, he can’t be trusted.
we were together for about 2.5 yrs. His friend did not tell him. There were some people from the same town at the bar any one could have said something to my ex. we ended our relationship as just friends and alot of his friends are my friends. we are from a smaller town so its hard not to hear about stuff that is happening with eachother or running into eachother. He hooks up with other girls all the time, last weekend actually, and i know about them but i dont care. it doesnt bother me because i have no feelings left for him.
He’s mad at his friend too. they have been friends for years too so that makes it really complicated. My ex is really bad for saying he loves me and still wants to be with me but i catch him saying the same bullshit to other girls too. so its hard to listen to him give me shit when he is doing his own thing too. im stuck and dont know what to do now.
Hey K88
i don’t think you did anything wrong. When you live in a small place then everyone does know everyone, and it can happen and people sometimes don’t realise either. i wouldn’t feel bad, your ex obv still cares, but he needs to move on, so just try and ignore his hurtful comments for now and do what makes you happy. i am learning fast that its the most important thing and you should do whats right for you rather than what other people want.
I have no gone the longest since meeting my mm in not talking to him and i’m doing better. it may be only a week, but its def i step in the right direction. i was feeling weak on sat and nearly contacted him, but i realised that it would do no good. i might be happy while he e-mailed me or spoke to me on the phone, but i remembered how rubbish and probably upset i would feel after. i don’t want that anymore, i want to find someone who i can hold hands with or kiss in public if i want so thats what i’m hoping for and hopefully my chance will come. i want to leave my mm in the past where he belongs and it will get easier, it is already and it will do even more, i know it will
I know exactly what you mean by the small town gossip. If your ex says the same stuff about other girls then its hard to take him seriously. I say don’t worry about what he says or does and do whatever you want. Are you going to see his friend again?
Hang in there Sasha! It will get better. I PROMISE!
Hey C230 ya last night we went to a movie and it went really good. And he wants to see me tonight as well so im excited for that!!
Thanks for making me feel better about this. I have spoke to a few people who heard about what happened and everyone i talked to said my ex is just being a big baby. So thats nice to hear as well. Only thing that kinda sucks with the new guy is that he leaves in a week till christmas working out of town.
K88,
Sounds like you’ve got someone that enjoys being with you. Christmas will be over before we know it and he will be back. Keep in touch with him while he is gone so he won’t think you’ve become uninterested.
BTW, what ever happened with Ryan?
I decided to not pursue something that is not mine. be fair. I thought about it alot and i dont think its right thing for me to do. Its not fair to his gf either. Especially since they are happy together. I dont have the heart to try and wreck something thats good.
I hope my new guy wont lose interest in me while he is gone.
He treats me so much better than my ex. I never ever thought i would have feelings for him like this before lol.
How can I “out” an affair without getting caught that I’m the one spilling the beans?
Hi needadvice.
i really don’t know. it’s something i have considered myself, but to be honest i’d stay out of it. i have a feeling that it is one of those things that will come back to haunt you later, which is why i decided against it and think it may be best if you do the same
Hey K88. i know what you mean about “pursue something that is not mine”. You do get to a stage i think where you just think what on earth have i been doing and even though you miss that person, you kinda decide that enough is enough which is where i am kinda at now. Every day my mm is on my mind without fail, but wanting to move on mith my life and be happy with someone else is finally overriding that and i am fighting on, i just hope i stick to it.
Needadvice,
Don’t say anything. All things will come to the surface sooner than later.
Do you have an interest in this affair? For example, if this was your sister and her husband was cheating on her with someone you knew, you would have an obligation to tell her since she is your sister.
Sasha,
I can totally relate to what you were saying about getting to the point where you just can’t take it any longer and you want to be completely happy with your life. I am at that point right now and have been there for several months. I realized that my MM is not going to make any moves right now. He says that he will do something in the future but wants to wait on his kids to get a little older. I understand wanting to be there for his children, but I cannot allow him to lead me on while he continues with his normal life and I have nothing. I figured out that I need someone in my life that will complete me (I know, soooooo Jerry McGuire, but its true).
I have found myself becoming more and more attracted to my new man as each day passes. He is not perfect, but who is? He is clumsy and asks stupid questions. For instance, last night for dinner I made collard greens, generally referred to as “greens” here in the southern US. He asked “What’s this green stuff on my plate?” To which I replied “Ummm, greens.” One day I was going to help out at my son’s school at the soccor kick competition. He asked “What’s a soccor kick?” I replied with “Well, I’m no genius, but I’m guessing its where you kick a soccor ball”. Little stupid stuff like that irritates me, but I think a lot of men are like that. Hopefully, my sarcasm will stop him from asking stupid questions and saying stupid things around me. Sometimes I pretend I don’t hear him, so maybe he will think again before saying it again.
Well things are easier. i haven’t been tempted to contact my mm for a few days, and i have been keeping him out my mind a lot more. i find it harder when i talk to a mutual friend and they mention him or when i do let myself think about him for a couple of mins i get a kind of pain in my chest. it’s wierd. i don’t want to contact him because it will set me back no doubt, and i still want to move on more than anything, but a part of me almost wants him to break my request. even though i know he wont, because from that point of view he respects me, i wish he felt strongly enough to break it and contact me. I asked for a couple of months, but i am wondering if he will jsut forget or decide not to after then. i always used to tell him that i thought he didn’t care and he used to get upset by that saying that i didn’t know what he had gone through, but from my perspective if it bothered him that much, then he wouldn’t be playing happy families with wifey. if i am upset, i hold it together for so long, then i can’t hide it, but he can hide anything he is going through well, so to be he never even seemed fussed. the day i left my old job where we worked together, i saw one tear in his eye, but thats all, the rest he has always kept bottled up. maybe a bit harsh, but i guess how it felt and still does really. i would risk changing a lot in my life for him if i had the chance to be with him properly, but as he is happy staying with her, then he can’t feel the same way. I look forward to the day where i don’t think of him regularly and i feel happy with someone else and don’t hurt when i think of him. it may be a while off yet though.
How is everyone else getting on at the mo?
Sasha,
The pain in your chest is most likely anxiety. I used to get that feeling and sometimes still do. Usually, that feeling came along with thoughts of never seeing my MM again or things not working out the way we wanted them to work out. I get that feeling when I know something is going to change and there’s nothing I can do about it.
That’s just the way the ball bounces I guess. I know that the 2 year anniversary of the day I met my MM is coming up on Nov. 18th. I don’t know how I can remember that. I met my new guy sometime this summer, but I don’t remember the exact date. I guess it was a memorable time for me and my brain wanted to log that date. I have been thinking about calling him on that day so that I can simply talk to him. I miss his voice and his conversation. I would love to be able to see him, but everything is so complicated. I can’t wait to talk to him, but I am going to put it on hold until the 18th. That will give me a reason to call him instead of just out of the blue. I’m not really sure what I’m going to say, but we always find the words.
Hey C230.
i think you may be right. I don’t get it too much. things seem much better again at the moment, so fingers crossed its all looking up.
Do you really want to speak to your mm? would it not be easier to just go on without contact? with mine, the more time i have with no contact, the more i realise i can go on without him and it’s almost a little empowering to realise the inner strength i seem to have.
i have a hunch that something is goin on with my mm at the moment. not sure yet what, but i am very instinctive sometimes, and i can feel something.
All else is good with me, work is hard but good, uni is tough but interesting,i have been out with my friends lots recently and met odd guys. i have a couple of dates lined up, i go to new york for a week in just over 3 weeks, so i am excited about that and i also go away for 2 weeks over christmas so have a lot to focus on and look forward to which is really good
I know that I want to talk to him. I don’t think its a good idea, but I just want him to know that I haven’t forgotten about him. He has seen me with my new guy and I know he will not call me because he doesn’t want to ruin anything for me. He wouldn’t ruin anything for me. There’s nothing wrong with talking and its not like my new guy is with me constantly. I can’t stand the thought of just dropping the ball on my MM. I want to keep contact with him over the years so that he knows I’m still here. He’s a good person and I don’t want him to think that he doesn’t have me to talk to any longer. We talked a lot. He has issues with his wife (obviously) and he loves his children. I think it helped him to have me to talk to and now he probably thinks that he can’t call me, but he can.
I think your upcoming trips will be GREAT for you! Getting away from everyday life always helps me to get past things that are bothering me and get on with the next phase of my life. Have a good time!
Hey C230
Just be careful that it doesn’t set you back talking to him. as soon as you start chatting you will get that warm comfortable feeling that you get when talking to someone you know really well and want to talk to and it may affect your current feelings for you new man. i found that talking to my mm just freshly resurafced all i felt for him which is why i am finding it slightly easier not talking to him. you make it sound like you are doing it for him, so he has someone to talk to, but he doesn’t deserve that really, he made his choices and doesnt deserve to have you there for him, he chose his wife and that should be her role until he decides otherwise that she isn’t the one for him and leaves her. you have made such progress already, i would hate for him to mess it up for you and put you back to the start, you may not think it could ahpen, but i fell fro that one myself and head line and sinker and it isn’t nice.
Take care with what you do x
I still want to talk to him, but I think you’re right. I think I just need to stick to my guns and not contact him. If he is truly living a miserable life, like he has always insisted, then he will find a way out. I feel like I need to tell him that I am seeing someone though, just to confirm it with him. For some reason, I want him to know that I might not always be single for him. Maybe if he is afraid he will lose me forever, he will act quickly. I doubt it, but I feel like I need to do certain things or I will regret it forever. Its worth it to me to know how things will turn out instead of not knowing and wondering “what if” for the rest of my life.
I went out alone this past weekend. My new guy was hunting and stayed at his cabin all weekend, so it gave me the opportunity to see how things went. I kind of wanted to opportunity to miss him so that I would really know how I feel about him. The thing is, I didn’t miss him at all. I enjoyed being alone and talking to whoever I wanted to speak with. He really didn’t give me a chance to miss him because he was either calling or texting me every day. I went to the track to bet on the Breeder’s Cup on Saturday. He knew I was going and I told him when post time was. As soon as the horses were released from the gate, my phone started vibrating. I wasn’t about to answer it because if anyone was calling me at that time, they must not know me. I checked my phone an hour later and it was HIM that was calling me!! OMG, I just wanted him to leave me alone for one day and he couldn’t do it. I never responded to his texts or calls on Saturday. He needs to learn to leave me alone.
I feel like if I am ever going to love my new guy, something has to change. I don’t feel the way I should be feeling and I am trying, believe me. I think there is something (or someone) standing in the way right now. This man is very good to me and I don’t ever see him being angry and throwing a fit on me or mistreating me in any way, but I don’t know why I can’t love him. I wish I could get some insight on this because I am really beside myself.
Hey C230
I’m sorry that it isn’t going as you had hoped with the new guy. Maybe more time with your new man will help and also more time apart from your mm will eventually make a difference. i believe that sometimes things just suddenly click and you can’t put a time on it, but it just happens one day and you realise that things have changed you feel different.
i hope this happens sooner rather than later for you xx
I just don’t know what to do. I am trying to get to know my new guy better by spending time with him, but it seems like the more time I spend with him, the less I want to actually be with him. Maybe you’re right about things falling into place. I am hoping that something will happen soon because I can’t keep feeling like this.
Tomorrow is a U.S. holiday and I can remember this time last year because I was with my MM in another state. He had a meeting for work and had asked me to come have dinner with him and stay the night. He wasn’t feeling well, was down with some sort of stomach virus that evening. I ended up caring for him because after dinner he became even more sick. He did not feel like getting out of bed the next morning, but he had to go to his meeting. I got up, ironed his clothes and prepared the bathroom for his shower. He was so appreciative and didn’t want me to leave but I had a class that morning at 8 a.m. I miss him so much…
Hi All
Well drama has hit and it’s horrible. I heard from my mm yesterday, his wife know. app she was texted by someone about it and then when she started digging around she found e-mails. i am absolutely gobsmacked. it ended a couple of months ago now and i really thought we had got away with it. honestly, shocked is not the word, i never thought this would happen. the worst part of it is that he thinks it was me, that actually hurts. i may have considered it a while ago, but bi never would have done it. The only conclusion i can come to is that it was someone who i used to work with that he still does. the timing is uts so wierd though. one girl we were both friends with did once ask him if someone was going on which of course he denied, so my thoughts are maybe her, but i dunno. plus he said someone text her, so it must have been somone who had her mobile number, but i don’t know who would. i know know if he is blaming me cos he’s just mad or not. He said that he ended up confessing everything to her and is moving out at the weekend. he seems devastated. i can’t get my head round it all. he has also said that we can no longer be friends or talk again because he wants to remove anything to do with it because he has lost the best thing that ever happened to him. he said she is now is reading his e-mails, so i dont know if he is cutting contact with me to try and save things with her, understandable i guess. its wierd, but although i was happy with the friends thing, although i had been taking time with no contact from him, i am sad that i no longer have the choice to be his friend. i really am gutted this has happened. you may think i would be happy, that maybe i would want him now, but actually i don’t because who wants to be someones second choice. when i am with someone, i want to be their number one, the one they can’t live without, not the one they settled for, i deserve more than that.
Sorry to have waffled on, but i am still in massive shock about all this and i feel like i should do something, but there is really nothing i can do except do what he asked and not contact him. Life really is wierd sometimes, it really is, argh, head mashed again lol. advice please on how to deal with this….x
OMG!
The thought of my MM’s wife finding out about us has been in the back of my mind the entire time I have been seeing him. I actually expected her to find out sooner or later.
I don’t think the issue with you is to find out who texted her, but to do as he wishes and not contact him, which is what you have been doing. I think he is just upset right now and that is why he said the things he said. Give him some time to cool down and let him contact you. I think he will realize that he was being to harsh on you. He knows you well, you have had a lot of deep conversation. He will come to realize that you would never have texted his wife or have someone do that for you.
I am an impatient person when it comes to relationships, but I have come to the realization that TIME is what we need. We can’t rush things because they won’t work out.
On another note, I caved…. I went to see my MM in the parking lot at his office, just up the street from my office. His wife works there too, but it was in the evening and his truck was the only vehicle there, so I knew it was safe. I would never risk getting him into trouble. We talked for a few minutes and he told me he was going out of town for a meeting and wanted me to come with him. He mentioned that he misses me, but didn’t want to keep interfering in my life and prevent me from finding someone. I told him that wasn’t the case because I do go out on dates and I haven’t stopped looking for my perfect man. Anyway, I ended up traveling three hours to meet with him. We had a wonderful evening. We were both so happy to be together. I didn’t want to leave and he was not looking forward to his early morning meeting because he wanted to stay with me for as long as we had. He waited until the very last minute to leave. I actually had to tell him to go or he would be late and I didn’t want that to happen because it was a corporate meeting with top executives and he would look bad coming in late.
I had mentioned in previous posts that I am not really into my new guy and this past week has really helped me to make up my mind about him. Remember, he went hunting last weekend and I had the whole weekend to myself to go and do things like I used to do. I enjoy having someone around, but for some reason, I just don’t like him being around all the time. I have always dated men with doctorate degrees or a masters in something. These men can actually carry on an intelligent conversation and know whats going on in the world. This guy talks about guns, working on his truck, hunting, and stuff like that. Its very boring to me. Another thing is that his job is very controversial here in the U.S. He is a blaster in the coal mines. A blaster sets off explosive shots to clear a mountain top to get to a coal seam. Most people will argue that it is bad for the environment and it should be stopped. I partially agree, however, there are ways to do it without harming the environment. Google “mountain top removal”. I have written several research papers on the topic and we have been into a few heated discussions about the subject at hand. In the long run, I don’t think I can be with him because of his job and his intelligence level. That sounds so mean. He is a good person and has helped me out a little with my house and I know that if I needed something, he would be there to help. But, if its not there, its just not there. I don’t have the feelings I should be having for him.
Yesterday evening, when I was driving to meet my MM, I was so excited I could hardly control myself. I couldn’t eat until I got to him because I was so worked up. I know that’s how I’m supposed to feel when it comes time to be with someone and I’m just not feeling it with this new guy and I don’t think I ever will.
I have decided to break up with him this weekend. I don’t want to have sex with him because he’s a horrible kisser and doesn’t wear any cologne. I like a man that takes pride in his appearance. He can dress himself nicely sometimes, but for the most part, he never irons anything and wears these stupid all white tennis shoes with everything. I hate white tennis shoes on a guy. Its just my little peeve. When he kisses me, it feels like he is (this is gross) holding saliva in the back of his mouth and pushing it into mine. His tongue doesn’t move either. Its like kissing a person in a coma.
I can try to make it work all I want, but its not going to work. I wish I liked him because he is nice and good to me, but its just not happening.
Sasha,
I tried responding to this earlier today, but for some reason, my first post didn’t go through…
Anyway, I think he knows you well, I mean you have had a lot of deep conversations, so allow him to cool down and give him time to listen to his own words that he said to you. He says that he doesn’t want to be your friend any longer, but you have been a good friend to him and he will remember those times and come to a point where he will want to talk to you. Give him time, he’ll come around…
As far as finding out who sent the text message to her, don’t worry about it. Whoever that person is has problems and can’t keep their nose out of others personal business.
It is strange that this would happen now when you haven’t been seeing him for weeks. I say, just give him time and he will realize that he was harsh in telling you that he didn’t want to be your friend any longer. Hopefully, he will come around and realize that he is losing a friend.
On another note: I caved in…
I saw my MM in the parking lot where he works. He was the only person left to leave, so I pulled into the parking lot to talk to him. I would have never pulled in there if there were other vehicles. We talked for a little bit and he mentioned that he misses me and he asked me to come with him out of town for a work meeting. The next afternoon, I was on my way, driving three hours to see him. We had a great time and it was obvious that we were both so happy to be together.
I know I have been seeing someone new, but I am not really all that excited about him. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me because this guy is nice and I should really like him, but I don’t. When I was driving to meet my MM, I was so excited I could hardly control myself. Forget butterflies, my stomach had birds in it! I was so anxious to see him and had a hard time keeping my car from going over the speed limit.
He had an early morning meeting, but neither of us wanted to end our time together. I ended up having to make him go so he wouldn’t be late.
Now I know that my new guy is not the guy for me. Not just because I spent time with my MM, its because I know how I’m supposed to feel when I am going to see him after an absence. I have not seen my new guy for one week now and I really don’t care if I see him this weekend. I hate that I feel this way, but it took spending time with my MM to realize that I am not feeling the way I should be feeling for my new guy. I had forgotten about the “feeling” I get when I’m really into someone. I love that feeling. Its like I can’t get enough of them, but with this new guy, I want him to leave. I like when he’s there, but I don’t want him there for a long time. I’m ready for him to go home after a few hours. When I’m with my MM, I feel like I could spend eternity with him. We don’t want to be out of each other’s arms. I wish I could get that feeling for someone that is not married. My quest continues…
Hey C230
I really hope he will. Even a couple of days on, I am still in total shock about it all. He even deleted me on facebook, so I will have no idea if they manage to sort things out of if they don’t from his relationship status. He did seem very serious too, but I hope you are right and he cools down and reconsiders. Maybe if he finds he can’t sort things out with her then he will get in touch, however if they do I recon they will go to Portugal very soon and I will prob hear nothing. He told me that he is moving out on sat, but that may just have been a gesture to her to give her space. It may not mean that’s it. I don’t know her so have no idea if she would forgive him, I don’t think I could if it was me, but u never know. I can understand his cutting contact, I guess he wants to make it look like he is doing all he can to try and fix what he did. It’s also made me realize that things always catch up with you. Even when you think you have escaped, it’s never too late to go wrong. Say if I didn’t hear from him In a month or so, do I just not get in touch or do i? I would want to. I am kinda worried about him and I want to know he’s okay, but I can’t even see that from facebook anymore so I’m totally in the dark. I can’t wait for fate to explain this one to me.
I can’t say I blame you re your mm, its very hard to resist someone when you have wanted them so much for so long. Maybe it’s the sign you needed that your new man is lovely, but not mr right for you now. I have similar fears when I meet people now as I have only found that true spark twice in my life, but I hope it will come again. Are you gonna see your mm again any time soon? Have you heard from him much since?
Life has gotta get more simple soon, it just has to, I want the easy life, I really do
I spoke to my MM yesterday on the telephone. We are very careful about leaving trails. I actually have two mobile phones that we use. When one of those phones ring, I know its him because he is the only person that has the number. His wife knows my regular cell number because he has called it numerous times. She called me one morning when we had been out together because she had went through his phone and saw where we had called each other many times that night. The thing is, if she knows, and she’d have to be completely stupid and naive to not know, then why does she put up with it?
When we spoke yesterday, he mentioned that he was beginning to work on another job out of town, about three hours from where we live. He wants me to go with him when he has to stay overnight. I agreed to go. I love being with him and we have a wonderful time together. But, I wonder when his wife will come to the realization that he doesn’t love her anymore. He is living a miserable existance because he is stuck in a marriage that he doesn’t want to be in. He could be so happy if he could get out of it.
You mentioned you were on your MM’s Facebook page and you sent emails to each other. My MM and I have been very careful because it is not only our lives that are out there on the the line, but his children are involved in this as well. I have been extra careful to do whatever I can to keep his life intact. True, he doesn’t really have the life he wants (needs?), but financially speaking, things are better for him now because he is not paying child support, alimony and still carries all of his retirement for himself.
We have NEVER emailed each other. We have only text messaged a few times, but that stopped because she went through his phone and found the messages from me. The messages weren’t revealing anything, just stuff like, “what’s up?, how are you?” When I texted him those times, he would respond back, but then ended up calling me so we could actually talk.
I am looking forward to spending more time with him in the months to come. When he told me he was going to be working out of town soon, my heart skipped a beat because I realized that he wants me to be with him.
On another subject: I am going out to an event with my other guy tonight. Its a “black dress/tie” event and I am sure he will not fit in. He is so “country”. I don’t really want him to go, but hopfully, we can have a good time and he won’t do or say anything stupid. I think I’m going to end things with him within the next few weeks. I’m just trying to gradually fade away so that its not like dropping a bomb on him.
Hey C230
I have a question: when your MM’s wife called you what did you say or talk about? Did she ask you who you were and why your calling? Does she know you are with your MM? Sorry i cant remember from the previous blogs.
She called me when I was on vacation at the beach. I wasn’t even in the same state as him. He had tried to call me seven times that night and couldn’t get through to me because my service was going in and out near the ocean. I guess she figured we were together because he didn’t get home until morning. He just hates being there with her.
When I answered the phone it was like 6:30 a.m. and I was half asleep, didn’ t have my contact lenses in and couldn’t see the caller ID on my phone. She said “Who is this?” and I said “Who is this?” because I don’t like for people just to ask who I am, ya know. Introduce yourself first, rude ass. She then said “This is A’s wife”. (Don’t want to use a name, you never know who could be reading) He and I had talked about what to say if she ever contacted me, so I did as he asked and said that I didn’t know him. She then went on to insist that I did know him because he had called me seven times that night (his fault). Then I told her that if she has a problem with her husband then she needs to talk to him instead of me and hung up. She called back twelve times. I turned my phone off after the third time, but they were saved as missed calls. She left me one voice mail telling me to call her back. She said it just like this: “This is C (last name), A (last name) wife. I need you to call me back at our house because he has told me everything” She really accentuated their last name and the word “our”, like she really needed to let me know that they share a last name and a home. First of all, I know “A” very well and I know that he would never tell her “everything”. I wasn’t about to call her back, she’s crazy if she actually thought I would. I don’t want to talk to her and I don’t need to talk to her. What the hell was she going to ask me anyway? Would she believe anything I said anyway? Like I said, if she has a problem in her marriage, she needs to talk to her husband about it.
She must know that we are seeing each other because of the events that unfolded that morning. When we were together a few nights ago, I had asked him how things were at home. He said he just stays away from her, talks to her only if he needs to and goes out to his garage when he wants to have a few beers and be left alone. What a life…
If she knows, why isn’t she doing something? I could not stand idle KNOWING my husband is cheating on me.
Well, we’re probably going to spend more time together soon now that he is going to be working out of town again. Maybe she’ll find out and take action to get a divorce. I think if she makes the move toward divorce, it will anger him at first, but he will see that it is best for him and what he has wanted all along anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to do anything on purpose to let her find out. But, if she does, then I will be there for him and help him get through it however I can.
I don’t know what you guys think of psychics, but I see one periodically and she has been a great help to me. She also has a Masters in psychology. She does tarot card readings on me. The first time I went to her, she didn’t know me AT ALL and I didn’t tell anyone I was going to see her. She gave me my MM’s first name and knew that there was a family involved and another woman. She has told me things he would say to me, verbatim, and the situation in which he would say them. She told me that he would come to my house in the early morning hours and tell me something important. She gave me a time frame of one to two weeks that it would happen and it did. I was freaking out when it happened because she told me it would happen. Weird… Another time I went to her because I was confused. He tells me that he doesn’t want to be with his wife, but then I see him out with her on a few occasions without the children. I didn’t tell the psychic this, but she laid it out in the cards and asked me if I was having doubts about him telling me the truth. She said that I was having a hard time beliving him when he tells me that he doesn’t want to be with his wife. She did a spread of cards on him and said that he does things to keep her quiet. Which, made total sense to me because he has told me that she nags a lot and if he takes her out to dinner or something, she shuts up for a day or so.
I’m going back to her on Tuesday evening, so I will let you guys know what she says. Hopefully there will be some insight as to what I should probably expect to happen.
Damn, I don’t realize how much I’m typing until I see it laid out on the page like that
Get a life young lady. Hardly will a maarried man leave his wife and children for a mistress. Two things. He is either tasting the waters or just a little bored at home. You are his pass time!
Hey C230.
You seem to have a bit more sparkle again. Isn’t it funny how these mm can do this to us. you seem happy, but still please be careful. It may not go your way. look what happened to me, i never thought my mm would ask me not to contact him again. i really want to know whats going on, but i may never know.
i keep waiting for the simple life, no chance yet thou
Kuma motto: I have a life and it is wonderful. Thanks!
Sasha: I’m not really expecting anything from him. I know that he is not going to disrupt his children’s lives and I don’t want him to do that…at all. He realizes that a family structure is important, but if the parents are fighting all the time and really have no relationship, then what good is it doing? I think he will come to the realization of things when the children are a little older. I believe he is waiting on his oldest son to reach 12 or 13 years old before he makes a move. I am going to continue to be friends with him for the rest of my life, no matter what happens in either of our lives.
When I went out of town to visit with my MM last week, we didn’t “sleep” together. We slept in the same bed, but nothing happened and I am totally fine with that. I simply enjoy being with him, curled up in his arms. After that night, I realized that he simply enjoys being with me as well. We like each other. Simple as that.
My weekend with my other guy was awful. We went to a black tie event at a local casino. He knew we were to dress up for this event. I wore a very nice black dress with a pearl necklace, nice pumps and had my hair done nicely. He shows up at my house in blue jeans and a button up henley shirt. I was appalled, but we went anyway and I didn’t say a word about how he was dressed. What was the point? After we had dinner, I sat at a slot machine for a little bit until he wandered away to watch a football game, then I went to the bar in the back of the casino to talk to one of my favorite bartenders. He has seen me in there with this guy and told me that he doesn’t look like my type. When I started telling him everything that I didn’t like about this guy, he said I should break it off with him. I can’t keep playing charades with this guy. He is NOT my type.
Another thing he did was stand and watch me work on a retaining wall behind my house. The landscaping blocks weigh about 8-10 pounds each. I was carrying 110 blocks up a little hill and stacking them on the ground so I could lay them on the retaining wall and not have to walk down the hill every time. I swear to you, he watched me work. After a row of block is laid, I had to shovel dirt behind it to keep the wall from tumbling over. The block works like a negative pressure, block pushes against mountain, mountain pushes agains block. He did not help me shovel or lay block. He stood there and watched me! What the hell?! I have to say, this guy is HISTORY.
Hi Girls … I can not believe I have found this site!!
I too am involved with a MM, almost been together now for 4 yrs! Your stories are so so similiar to mine that it is so scary. My MM and I have broken up 3 times, though only for a short while but we have gotten back toegther very very quickly. I know he loves me and he knows i love him, it’s just so hard with him having young children.
I too went to a psychic last month, OMG she was amazing described my MM and also desribed and pin pointed that we were going away together on holidays and where.
She ended with saying how we are going to be together, he can not live without me and get this … that I will have children with him!!
I don’t understand how many women are niave and are willing to keep face knowing that their husbands r not happy and are with other people … surely they can not be that clueless!!!
I went to my psychic yesterday evening and she had a lot of insight. She saw that neither of us are happy right now. She mentioned that his wife is the one that will ask for the divorce, not him. He wants to keep his family together and doesn’t want his kids to look back and say “Dad left us”. She also saw someone that would be angry and violent towards me and since I have been going to her for a few years, she knows that my MM is not like this. She asked if there were someone else in the picture, so I told her about the guy I had been seeing recently. She suggested I look out for him because he is not going to be happy when I finally break things off with him for good. She’s afraid he will try to hurt me.
She threw down some cards that showed my MM and his wife have had their battles and they are tired of fighting with each other. She is going to meet someone and end things with him and it will be over.
I told her about a vision I had of my Mm laying in bed beside of me. I was asleep, but was woken by a noise. I turned over to change my position in the bed and there he was, laying there just like he was actually there. When I snapped out of it and was fully awake, a few seconds later, the image faded. Her face lit up when I was telling her this, sort of like she had come to some sort of realization. She told me that since I had this image of him, she belives we are meant to be together and that was a sign of things to come in the future. I also told her about a few dreams I have had of my MM. They weren’t dreams that I would be embarrassed to tell out loud. The dreams were of us doing every day things. One dream that I used as an example for her was when I dreamed he was in a fenced in yard, cutting the grass and I came from out of the house and brought him a glass of ice water because it was a hot summer day and he was sweating. She again, told me that this was a dream of the realization that we will be together eventually.
I am not banking on everything that my psychic says like its set in stone, but it does help to have something to possibly look forward to.
Today is the two year anniversery of the day I met my MM.
Wanted to give an update on the other guy I was seeing. I have not spoken to him since Sunday evening. It’s now Wednesday. He called me Sunday night and I didn’t answer the phone, then he text me Monday morning and I didn’t respond. I am hoping that he gets the picture and leaves me alone. But according to my psychic, he may come back into the picture and try to start things up again or cause trouble. However, I have found that even though she says this guy is the one who will cause me trouble, it could be someone else on down the line.
I really don’t want to hurt his feelings by saying something, so I figured the best way to end things is to stop answering calls and texts. Hopefully, this will work.
pjstrlo: It is hard when they have young children. I am the last person to be a homewrecker. My MM came after me and I turned him away the first few times simply because I felt he was looking for an outlet from his day to day life, but he is so persuasive to me and I realized that he didn’t want me just to have sex with him. He actually enjoys my company. We go places together every now and then and truly enjoy ourselves. He despises his wife and doesn’t want to look at her, much less be married to her. The things he says about her aren’t horrible, but I can tell in his tone and the things he says that he is miserable being with her. He wants to finish raising his children, but I don’t think he will last that long. AFter all, we are human and we need certain things to stay alive. Love is one of them.
Wanted to give an update on my other guy that I was seeing. We haven’t spoken since Sunday evening. He called me Sunday night and I didn’t answer the phone and I didn’t respond when he text me on Monday morning. I am hoping he will get the picture because I don’t want to say anything to hurt his feelings. The psychic told me to be careful with him because he might harm me, but she could be seeing something from someone on down the line.
pjstrlo: It is very hard when they have young children because the kids don’t understand what’s going on. My MM just wants to finish raising them, but I don’t think he can take much more of his wife. We love being together and he hates going home to his wife. He truly despises her. I can tell when he talks about things by the tone in his voice and the things he says about her, he is miserable. He doesn’t say horrible things about her, just mentions that they are very incompatible. They don’t share any interests and he is not attracted to her.
I am just waiting for the day when he comes to me and says things are over between them and now he can move on. Meanwhile, I am not sitting idle. I am still trying to look for “Mr. Right” because my MM is not available to me at this time and he may never be. I don’t know because I don’t have a crystal ball that shows the future, but I do know that if the time ever comes and I am with someone else, I will have a tough decision…
I totally agree C230 … you know i speak to my MM atleast twice a day, I call him in the morning on my way to work and he calls me on his way home.
My MM also never speaks about his wife in a nasty manner, I think the end of the day they are just good friends, married young and just grew out of love.
I too look for Mr Right, but it is so hard, as my heart belongs to my MM … I hate the nights i cry myself to sleep.
Funny thing is everyone knows about us, his brother, his work friends, his footy friends, his wifes cousins … thats the freaky part, that she doesnt know or knows and turns a blind eye to it all.
You know some days I just feel like doing sonething to make her more aware of it all and make it all public … but the bottom line is I can;t do that to him!
The scary thing is I don’t think I could ever love another as much as I love him!!
With your other guy, my advice, let him go … seems to me there is nothing at all there, don’t try make something of it when there is nothing to make!! No chemistry, no fire so to speak!!
well, my day got wierd today. i decided that i wanted to know what has happening with my mm and his wife now all was out in the open. i also dont like the fact that we cant ever talk anymore so i e-mailed him to say that i would like to find a compromise where we can talk occasionally because i’d like to know how he is doing. Anyway, he called me, which shocked me, i didnt know if it was him okay or him mad or his wife, but i answered and it was him. he was okay. we talked about what had happened and where they were at. It was so nice to hear his voice, but possibly the hardest conversation i have ever had. he sounded like he was hurting so badly and he seems to have really gone through it. He also told me how bad his wife is feeling. He really seems to be devastated and after talking to him, i felt bad for his wife also. i guess at the time i didn’t realise potentially how much hurt could be caused by my actions. He didn’t end up moving out as he couldn’t find somewhere quickly and they have both been off work for a week to see what they are going to do. He doesn’t seem to know what will happen, so i guess time will tell. it was so hard talking to him and hearing him so upset. I agreed to not make contact for now while they sort things out one way or another. i totally get that she doesn’t want him talking to me, i wouldn’t if i was her. i asked him to get in touch in time and let me know he is okay, he said he would. i don’t know why but i just feel really emotional about all of it at the moment. i have my head quite straight at the mo about him. i don’t get really upset anymore or anything, but talking to him today just hit me. we haven’t spoken on the phone for a fair few weeks. i said i would do anything i could to help him sort things with his wife. i meant it. i hate seeing him unhappy and i do want the best for him whatever that may be. i am just sad to have lost my friend.
Hi everyone - my MM tells me he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone ever. He tells me he never thought he could love someone this much. Yet, he tells me in the next breath that he isn’t prepared to break his marriage and I should try to move on - but he still calls and sees me all the time. Do actions speak louder than words? what do you guys think?
pjstrlo: It is weird that so many people know about your relationship with your MM, but his wife is in the dark or pretending not to know. You said they have children. I think that is the only reason they stay together. But, like I mentioned before, I think children need to see their parents happy. They need to see that a marriage is supposed to be filled with love, not hate and spite.
I think my tarot reading was right when I was told that his wife would be the one making the move and leaving him. Only time will tell.
Right now, I am in a place in my life where I just want to be left alone by men. I don’t really want to date anyone. I have actually been looking at home plans that are two and three bedrooms, just big enough for me and my son and a guest. My parents are going to get old someday and I would like to have a room in my home for them if needed. It seems like I don’t care about having anyone interfere in my life. If my MM were to get a divorce, he is the only person I would allow to turn my life upside down. I would do anything for him and his sons.
SASHA: I know you love this guy, but he is bringing you down. I hear the disappointment in your post, which is understandable. However, it probably makes you feel better that he called and wasn’t upset with you any longer. I really don’t think he is going to leave his wife. It sounds like he wants to work things out with her, which breaks my heart for you, but I think that is the reality of it.
You are young and can have anyone you want, believe me when I say that. It is not hard to go out there and find someone. I have a place in my heart for my MM, but I am not going to stop looking for someone right now. My MM may NEVER get divorced and I will be an old maid waiting around on someones wife to die so I can finally get married at 80 years old. I just mentioned above, that I am not looking for anyone to interfere in my life right now, but I haven’t cancelled out dating yet. You should get out there, meet someone, go out on a few dates and chalk this affair up as a learning experience.
The men I have dated since I have met my MM have taught me a lot about what I am looking for in a person. I now know that I have specific things that I want in a lifetime mate. It just so happens that none of the men I date have all of those qualities. Actually, they don’t have half of them. However, my MM has all of the qualities that I am looking for, except for the whole being single part. If I can get him to be single, life would be wonderful…
Hey C230.
I am more disapointed that it isn’t my choice to stay in touch. i have got to a place finally where we cn be friends and i don’t like that now this has happened we can’t. I know he wants to work it out with his wife and in a way i want the same for him. i do want him to be happy, whatever that means. As i said last week, i wouldn’t want to be with him if he were single now because i wouldn’t be his first choice, and who wants to be second best. i think i deserve more than that. Plus my mm, despite his good points which make me care about him does also have a lot of faults and now i have taken that step back i can see them very clearly. We also want different things out of life which is another reason i could never see it working.
It will take me a long time to get him totally out of my system, but i am further along the way than ever and i am on the right track definately
Wow Sasha! YOu really sound like you are starting to see the greener grass on the other side.
The saying about love being blind is so true. We don’t always see things at first until something happens that opens our eyes to other things. There are things in my life that I wish would have never happened. I love my son with all of my heart, but I wish I would have never met his father. But, if I had not met him, I wouldn’t have had my son. I have a lot of life lessons tucked under my belt from that relationship and it has made me a better person.
I figure my MM will be calling me soon. We have both been craving time with each other lately and can’t seem to get enough. I have to wait on him to call though. I don’t want to keep calling him because I feel that if I do, I am pushing him to choose between his wife and myself. I don’t want to do that. I want the decision to be his.
Well I am a little stressed out, as I am almost 2 weeks late. Gosh … what to do what to do!!!
Take a test. It will ease your mind either way.
Hey Sasha and C230, how are you guys doing?
I’m doing wonderfully after getting rid of the guy I had been dating for a few months. I am at the point where I just want to be alone for a little while. It will be nice to see my MM again. He will be working out of town more and we plan on seeing each other.
I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up, but I have a feeling that something big is going to happen soon. I get the feeling that his wife is going to make a move, even though my psychic told me that it was going to happen, I just feel like his wife knows a lot more than we think and she is taking actions to act on seperation/divorce. I hope she does. I don’t want to be the one to break a marriage up. Remember, he is the one that came after me multiple times. True, I could have said no, but didn’t really want to. Besides, he was looking for an outlet from his horrible marriage. I think I might have saved a few years on his life. I’ll keep everyone posted.
Ok …. I took the test, it is positive, I am pregnant! I am shaking, in shock, im crying … ohhh I just dont know
OMG..I can’t believe I found this site it’s amazing, I guess I don’t feel so terrible anymore about falling in love with a “MM” our stories are pretty similar mind you this is like a year of confusion ive been having! Bear with me anyone who can stand to give me advice please :-/
I started dating this man the most amazing ever for a few months who was best friends with the MM and I always had a little crush on the MM but because he was in fact a MM never did anything on it and we were all just friends for a while until my fiance and I went on a break and in the mean time there was a sexual tension building up between the MM and I…we started riding with eachother to and from work and talking/texting and finally slept together. from then on we were constantly together at work after work and he said he had feelings for me and I had feelings for him of course I had always joked about being with him if he wasn’t married…but i was still sorta working things out with my fiance and we both….but then he and his wife started having problems and he said he wasn’t happy and he was thinking she was going to leave him etc. and he even came and slept over my house in the middle of the night sometimes…a few months later they went home on vacation together and he told me it would be the last time that he would come back early and she would stay home and they were getting divorced. he ended up coming back early and we spent that weekend together and everynight/weekend minute together that we possibly could andhe told me he loved me and wanted to leave his wife and asked if i would wait for him and i was all for it i was more than willing and smitten i would’ve given him the world….and then she came back. he said they were just going to do the whole divorce thing and she would be gone…after a week i started seeing them out and about kissing loving everything going out on dates and he was just back to his whole ignoring me routine whenever she was around and i was fed up and i said i was done and i was going to work things out with my ex…and i did…and i was miserable…we both were so he says and he said he was miserable and couldnt afford a divorce but we were both sneaking around to see eachother and making promises to be together once this was all over between him and his wife and me and my ex…but i always knew and felt he was lying and just using me…so i stayed with my ex…but through all this both or significant others knew something was up…one night i couldnt deny it anymore and i told my ex everything and he flipped. from then until this very day they both just hate eachother..but my MM has never told his wife hes lied and ive lied to her saying theres nothing but friendship between us and idk if she believes it but she deals with it i guess :-/ but nowwww in the past couple of months my MM has told his wife he doesnt want to be with her and they both want divorces and a month ago he said she was leaving for good and he wanted me to move in….sooo i did. i left my ex and i moved in with him (weird we all live like 7 houses from eachother awkwarrrrd) anywho so i did i moved in with him and he promises me shes not coming back hes done etc. etc. and im like ok i will leave you if she comes back. he promises no….3 weeks later he starts acting weird one day and he tells me shes coming back just to get her things……this was like 2 weeks ago…and now i’ve broken things off with my ex and my MM decided to move in with me :-/ but i feel terrible about it my ex still loves me and wants me back and i miss him and love him but i wasnt happy when we were together and now my MM is saying that he is getting a divorce and he wants to get married and have kids with me and I guess i don’t know if he’s lying or not should i stay with him or leave him and work things out with my ex who is a really sweet man but hasn’t made me happy in a long time….or stay around and wait for my MM to see if maybe this time hes for real and leaving his wife ?
Dear Ladies,
I feel for you all. especially pjstrlo. I will pray for you.
Hello All
Nothing new with me. since i spoke to my mm not last thurs but the week before i haven’t heard anything, so i guess he is trying to work it out with his wife which he said he was going to do. i’d kinda like to know what is going on, but i have no way of finding out, so will just have to get on with things and try and forget about him.
i go to New York for a week tomorrow which i am really excited about and then have a busy week before i go away again for christmas and new year so i think time will fly until 2010.
i still feel sad when i think of him and i still miss him, a lot, and more than i’d like to admit, but it is out of my hands. im going through a faze where everyone around me seems to be either getting into relationships or taking relationships to the next level, eg moving in, getting engaged, having babies etc so it does make me feel a bit lonely sometimes, but i am where i am and when i am supposed to meet someone i will
hey pjstrlo
don’t panic, just think about the situation rationally. did you want kids? would you be willing to bring a baby up on your own? next, you have to tell him. he may react fine, he may not, but you should tell him definately. however it is your decision so decide what you want to do and stick with it. don’t let him decide for you either way because you don’t know that he will be around.
Hey Pua
It sounds like you are ostly there with him being yours. you are living with him, so i think you are pretty much there. i would stick with it and just hope for the bets, not much else you can do.
K88
whats happening with you nowadays?#
C230
Glad to hear you sounds happier. just be careful with your mm. he is back to having all he wants. wait and see if the wife does do something. i have known men who say they are miserable, but when the wives try and leave them, the men only want their wife back because they think they can’t have them, so make sure it doesn’t happen to you. you do deserve something better than a part time man x
Wow, everyone seems to have a lot going on right now!
pjstrlo: You need to tell your MM and see his true reaction to the news. He has young children, so he may react differently than what you might expect. He may want you to have the baby, but still stay married to his wife. If he says he will support you and the baby, take his word for it, but get something in writing and be sure to get a paternity test done to prove he is the father, even though I am sure he is the father, you might need papers to prove it later on. If you don’t want to go through the testing, have him sign a paternity affidavit BEFORE you leave the hospital after you have the baby. The social worker on the nursing unit will take care of this, but you have to request it. These are all just precautions in case he decides to skip out and leave you caring for a child all alone.
I know of a man that had two children by another woman while married to his wife. He raised two seperate families. During the day, after work, he would go to his gf’s house to see the kids for a few hours, then in the evening, he would go home to his wife and his three other children. It made a rough life for him and his children since they didn’t get the attention from him that they desired. In the end, you wouldn’t believe it, but all of those kids get along, they know the truth and treat each other like true brothers and sisters, instead of half siblings. His wife even took the two illegitimate children in as if they were her own. She never tried to keep them away or acted ill toward them. She never treated them differently. Hell of a woman. I could never do it. If I knew my husband were cheating on me and children were produced as a product of that affair, it would be hard to grasp and I would file for divorce.
Its hard to say what will happen now. But, you need to be sure to tell him as soon as possible. He needs time to decide what he is going to do with his wife. However, be sure not to accidentally pressure him into leaving his wife. That may backfire on you later.
Pua: I think you are set since you are living with your MM. He sounds like he is ready to move on with you. If you don’t feel the way you think you should be feeling towards your ex-fiance, then leave that alone. He is not the one for you if you don’t truly love him down to your core.
Hi guys thanks …. boy what a last few days. Just waiting on blood results, but yeah looks like I am 6 weeks … Go figure, I have PCOS and on the pill!!
I have no idea what to do, I do know that I need to tell him, but how????
And my family, what do I say to them, umm sorry the father is married???!!!
They are going to kill me!!!
pjstrlo:
I wouldn’t worry too much about what everyone else thinks. What matters most right now is involving this man in your life as much as possible for your support system. This is his child and he needs to know what’s going on.
Well here it goes….I am forty something and married with two children. I have been married for 10 years…this is my second marriage. Things have been good, my husband helped me raise my son from my previous marriage and we have a son together. This past august I met a guy @ work who was contracted in to do heating/cooling work. He is married and has been for twenty plus years and also has children. We started talking for a few here and there and discovered we went to the same high school. Actually It was his brother that graduated the same year as I. I was instantly attracted to him. He is a nice looking guy, awesome build…..we just had good conservisions. As days went by I couldn’t stop thinking about him, like he consumed by entire brain!!! We both have expressed that we feel the same attraction for one another but he mentioned his life was set and that he would be my friend. I guess he has laid everything out. I am struggling because I can’t stop thinking about him. When we did talk the other day he said he had been thinking about me but keeping busy……I don’t want to put my family thru any grief because I may be having a MID-life crisis. Can anyone relate??????
Jenna,
Don’t act on this. I’m sure you know what you are feeling is pure lust. It is not worth putting two families through any grief to fulfill an animalistic desire.
Your husband sounds wonderful. He helped you raise your son and gave you another son. This new guy may seem like a welcome change from the monotony of every day life with your husband. Life can get boring, but you must sit back and think about what made you fall in love with your husband and then start doing things together. Go out on a date with your husband, try to rekindle the flame that started your love affair with him. Just remember, people change. If you met your husband in your late twenties, he’s probably not going to want to go to a singles bar and hang out like years ago. He may just want dinner in a quiet restaurant. You may want something different as well. Talk.
Even though I am in a relationship with a married man, I will be the first to tell someone considering this kind of relationship to turn around and go in a different direction. Sometimes I feel horrible when I think about his wife and what she must be going through. She has to know what is going on. I do not in any way instigate the relationship, it is ALL him. He is the one that continues to call me and stop by my house. So, what do I do? I don’t want to end it because he is obviously unhappy and I want to be his friend. To be honest, there is more talking going on than anything else, even though that happens sometimes.
Then again, sometimes I don’t feel so bad for his wife because she is a nag and treats him horribly. He is a kind natured, loving man and he gets nothing by grief when he goes home after work. She has been pushing him right into my arms for the last two years.
When my MM comes to visit me, he can stay for a little while, but then he has to leave. Reality sets in and I am alone again. Its not a good feeling, but I love him. He wants to be with me, but life is complicated and we just can’t do it at this time.
So, Jenna, think before you take that leap over to the adultery side. Its a rough road and its hard to turn back once you’ve stepped forward.
C230,
Thanks for your response!! Again I just wasn’t sure to continue with something I was sure was a lust!!! The desire is amazing…..however my husband is so good in so many ways!! Sounds like your situation is tough. Best wishes for you!
Glad I could help. Remember, lust is a craving for sex, and can be self indulgent. Try getting back into a lustful relationship with your husband all over again.
Hi guys,
I had my Ultrasound yest and it seems the baby was developing nicely but they could not find a heart beat. I have had to do some blood tests and from there I will find out what is going on. I maybe earlier than 6 weeks, as I do not have a regular cycle. I must of ovulated later in my cycle … but I will find out today what is going on.
What kills me the most is having to lie to my MM and state other reasons why I am going to docs, hosp etc blood tests, ultrasounds … should i wait until I am 100per cent clear whats going on before I atleast tell him???
If he keeps asking, just tell him, otherwise, wait until you are 100% sure. He is obviously concerned and wants to know what’s going on.
Yes I am still pregnant … specialist rang yest confirming all 3 markers are high which indicate a pregnancy so I must be much earlier than thought!
I am going in for an ultrasound on friday to check everything and I think if all ok then I have no choice but to tell him.
He was over yesterday and i felt so dreadful having to lie to him about all these doc’s visits … he said “i know what wrong withh you, you must be low in iron and not eating properly and your blood sugars are low”
It is so hard having to lie, and see him actually worried, for a minute there he thought my cancer was back and had spread!
I have decided that I do want this child, I have been told in the past that it would be very very hard for me to ever conceive and here I am pregnant, whilst with PCOS and on the pill and using the withdraw method too!!!
I feel that he will ask me to terminate this child, and I am so scared of his reaction, but I am not going to ask anything from him, just minimal support!
Im having an affair with a married man. He loves me I love him. Nor is he going home to his wife. He is going home to the barracks. Haha… I think i have a good situation….But i just wish i wasnt the mistress anymore.
Ahhh morning sickness sucks … but mine is evening sickness!!! Seen MM Friday and Saturday and I felt so guilty not telling him at all ……..
I have decided that i do want this child … its my little preious one!! xoxox
pjstrlo: Given your health situation and having been told in the past that you would most likely be unable to have children, I would not let your MM tell you to terminate the pregnancy. This may be your only chance at having a child. Children are wonderful, but a lot of work. I am raising my son on my own. He is 11 years old now and it has been a rough road. His father has been out of the picture since my son was 2 years old and I have managed perfectly without him. I took him to court before he took off and left so that I could establish a support order. I get a payment every two weeks, around $500 each month. Without that money, I am afraid it would be difficult to provide for my son since I don’t make a lot of money.
Just remember, if he gets a little uneasy about everything, reassure him of your relationship. You have a good relationship and you want to keep it that way, but you don’t want to be stuck raising this child single handed without any financial support.
I’m not sure what I would do if he still says he can’t leave his wife…
I guess I would just ask him to help out, pay for child care, diapers, and everything else that comes along with raising a child. If he stops giving financial support, take him to court and establish an order. Don’t be so nice that he takes advantage of you.
I had my ultrasound and their is a very strong heartbeat and I am just 7 weeks … seeing the specialist this week and then I will tell MM!
Regarding finance, I do have a good job, will get paid maternity leave for 14 weeks tthen have two years to go back. Will decide later what to do, just getting my head around all this!!
xo thanks for your support
Hey pjstrlo
Wow sounds like a lot is going on with you. I believe in fate and even though things can seem totally mad or sometimes just horrible, it always works out in the end. This baby could be such a blessing for you. Children bring such happiness into life. Whatever happens do what is right for you. Don’t let your mm rewin it for you if it is not what he wants because its such a special thing.
Whats happening with you at the mo C230, are things good?
I’m sort of in limbo right now. I don’t really want to be with anyone. My mm has not contacted me for about a month. I know he is busy with work and family. Since I have been seeing him for two years, I know how he gets around the holidays. He gets really stressed and starts thinking about his life/family. He wants to leave, but doesn’t want to leave near a holiday because he thinks his kids will always associate that holiday with him leaving.
My other guy that I had been seeing, but broke up with, suddenly came back into my life. He was in a car accident, hit head on by a drunk driver. I work at the hospital, so I saw his name come across and flipped out. He was on the neuro intensive care unit for a few days, but then was transferred to the regular neuro unit once they figured out he was fine. A few brain contusions, but nothing serious. He was happy to see me and didn’t want to leave because he didn’t understand everything that was being told to him by the medical staff. I explained everything to him and he didn’t want me to leave. I think he was a little scared to be alone. He asked me to come back the next day and bring him a deck of cards. He never asks for anything, so I felt his request was sincere and brought him the cards the next day.
My best friend asked me if I thought we were getting back together and I said no. I care about him, but I remember how I felt while I was with him and I wasn’t happy. He aggravated me and I wasn’t liking it. He’s a nice guy, but sometimes that’s not enough. He’s not very educated and I was always having to explain things to him, simple things. After a while I figured that I wasn’t going to feel the way I needed to feel for him, so I broke it off.
I think I just want to be alone for a while.
Hey C230
Does it nog bug you that you mm gets in touch then you don’t hear anything for ages, its like he wants to keep you waiting which is a bit unfair. i’m sure he could send you a e-mail or text or something even once a day if he wanted to?
As for the other guy, the poor thing, sounds like he’s had a rough ride, esp with still wanting you as well. Still, go with your instinct and do what feels right with regards to both of them x
Yes, it bugs me a little. I checked my phone that I use for speaking only to him and he had tried to get in touch with me on Monday night and I apparently didn’t hear the phone. I tried calling him back this morning, but didn’t get an answer. I refuse to be at his beckoned call. I think its good for him to realize that I am not always going to be there when he wants me. I don’t know what he wanted, but he tried calling three times, so maybe he needed to talk about something. Usually when he tries to call more than once, something is up.
As far as texting or e-mailing…we don’t do that. Its just to risky. We don’t want anything incriminating coming up in court. Look at Tiger Woods right now. He’s in deep with evidence to prove it.
Hey C230
i guess you are right re written communication, its how my mm’s wife found out everything properly.
it’s wierd, being christmas and all, i have been thinking about him a bit recently. i have spoken to old work friends this week and nothing has been mentioned so i presume he is still with his wife and they are working things out. i know he was supposed to be going with her to stay with her parents over christmas. i presume he is still going although i would have thought she would have told her twin what happened and maybe other family so it may be a bit of an awkward one for him if they do know. i guess i wont know. it’s been a month since he called me that day and told me what had happened etc and i did ask him to let me know either way but nothing so far. although i don’t feel that big pain in my chest when i think about him anymore i do still miss him and i do occasionally allow myself to think about him properly and when i do it does make me sad, but i don’t want to forget either. He changed me and how i think and feel about men and relationships for good and bad so a piece of him will always be with me.
i really should just forget about him and move on as i am unlikely to ever see him or speak to him again, but i can’t quite give up hoping to.
i go away again tomorrow morning for two and a half weeks, so i’m sure a change of scenery will help too!
I have been with this MM for three years. I love him so much. I’m so sad but he’s leaving because his 39 year old wife wants to have a baby finally and he’s gonna go through fertility testing to do it for her. He says he feels it’s his obligation that he stays with her because she was patient with him through those years while he was going through getting his MD degree. I left him today and felt so sick about it. I don’t want to leave him, but today is the day I started. If he is really in love with me, he would do anything in his power to keep me…so that is my motto. Thank you so much for all the posts…it’s very helpful. I feel sometimes that he is gonna call me in the near future…but time will tell. Please tell me how to get over him in my head…so I don’t think about him anymore and I can go on with my life. I have stopped contact but I need to stop contact within my head..my heart..i want to learn how to erase him from my mind…because I know that will free me and let me live my life.
Hey guys ….
I still have not told my MM … I am thinking I wait till I have the tests and go from there!!
Tell him then I will tell my family …
Hope all you ladies are doing well.
kisses
Marisol,
I know it is hard for you, but if this guy is staying with his wife to go through fertility testing and have a baby with her, he is NEVER going to leave her. He is making an even bigger commitment to her by trying to have a child. They are planning this, its not going to be an “oops” baby. My advice…get away from him, don’t talk to him, get out and try to have a good time. Before you can love someone else, you have to love yourself. Go out with your friends and really get to know yourself and what you are looking for in a mate. I am 31 years old and I think I am finally to the point in my life where I know exactly what I am looking for and I know when I have something that I don’t want. I still have contact with my MM, but I know his situation. He is not going to leave his wife anytime soon (at least I don’t think so). If anyone leaves anyone, it will be her leaving him. They have young children together. I am not hung up on the unrealistic fantasy of him getting a divorce and coming to be with me for the rest of our lives. Even though I would gladly spend the rest of my life with him, I try not to fantasize about it because I may be setting myself up for a HUGE disappointment.
Try not to expect anything and you might be surprised by the unexpected.
Sasah,
hi, I just found this site today and I am so thankful for it. Reading your stories has helped me,,,a bit. I have a question regarding your post about the woman who had been seeing a MM for 22 years. She found a way to make their happiness “enough”. Has anyone else been able to do that. I don’t know what will happen in my situation, but if there was a way to be happy and not have to leave him I would,, at this point I can not imagine life with out him.
I now hate Christmas time, usually a family holiday and I’m by myself. Ive read the comments. Well, honestly feel better, cuz i’m not the one unhappy. Never thought that love will hurt that much.Oh well, if it weren’t with a married man things would be different i believe. Hate myself for what ive become, love just made me so weak. Used to be always smiling girl who turned into always crying and depressed. I’ve been with a mm for a year(who wasn’t leaving with her at that time), and because i always was so optimistic and positive believed that we’ll be tigether no matter what. We broke up many times, cuz i knew his wife and son would come to the states one day and i’ll be out. but still i was always baack because i couldn’t picture myself with anyone else. He was always promising we’ll work out the situation, but the final his decision was he won’t divorce her and we should stay friends. I couldn’t accept it, believed i’ll do everything for us to be together. I somewhy believe i wont able to love anyone that much, hoping for something although realize its almost impossible.i’ll pretend to be ok being friends, but i can’t really stand the fact he with someone else. He was never leaving ewith his wife, he saw her few weeks once a year, i know he doesn’t love her but says can’t change anything
good thing about all this is that i lost 30lb, bad thing is still can eat anything because of depression;)
Smily,
I know it seems really bad right now, but keep yourself grounded and realize what is happening. I was in a relationship that turned sour and it made me really depressed and I also lost about 30 lbs. I couldn’t eat, and when I did try to eat, I couldn’t keep it down. I couldn’t get myself to leave the house. I missed work and when I managed to go to work, I would have to leave early because I just couldn’t stand to be around anyone.
I thought I would never get over it, but I did. I found some good friends that got me out of my house and showed me that I can get anyone I desire. All you need to do is get out and meet new people and you will realize that you are better than how you feel.
Thank you for the advice. You know i’m moving on, but I had one question which is irking me: why when i asked the MM a month ago, just because i wanted to hear his answer, did he get upset? He said he didn’t want to talk about it because he doesn’t like comparing his wife to me? Until this day i’m perplexed: I asked him something simple: who did he think was more beautiful? He refused to answer! He gave me an excuse and got annoyed and said, please don’t put me in that situation? I mean why is it soo important to him not to answer that?! I don’t get it. IF he answered my wife is more beautiful, then what’s wrong with that answer? it would not bother me the least because its’ just a general question?! And I’m not stupid…I know that even if she was more beautiful, that doesn’t mean anything in terms of attraction…obviously he was attracted to me, but I dont’ know why this is bothering me so much! I want to know why he doesn’t want to tell me that answer?! He doesn’t like comparing he says and that I should respect the fact that he doesn’t answer that question: does that confirm that he thinks she is more beautiful? I just want to understand why he was so annoyed when I asked that question? Can anyone analyze it for me before I lose my mind! Why would he care so much at that point to tell me that he thinks his wife is more beautiful.. why? It’s not like he hasnt hurt my feelings already? I don’t understand? Why do men like him hate making comparisons about women? Can someone please answer this???
And if someone asked me that question, it’s a simple answer.. it doesn’t bother me!!! I am okay letting him know who i think is more handsome than him or vice versa! It’s soo weird his response…
Get lives. Leave married men alone.
A pig in lipstick is still a pig and a whore still has to look at herself in the mirror when she gets dressed.
“I can’t help who I fall in love with,” is the stupidest excuse for adultery that I have every heard. Yes, hell, you can help who you fall in love with. Where is your self-respect?
If you’ll fuck him, you’ll fuck around on him.
If he’ll fuck you, he’ll fuck around on you.
Screwing around is not loving; it is anmial rutting and raw lust no matter how many bells and whistles you hang on it.
Call yourself what you are: immoral bottom feeders.
True intimate relationships are built on trust and mutual respect.
What about untrustworthy do you not understand?
BMC = Ignore
Anyway … I have told MM about the baby … at first he was fine saying he wants me to have it etc etc.
But now he wants me to get rid of it. I am almost 11 weeks and the nausea and everything else is killing me. He first could not believe that I was pregnant, as basically it is a miracle that I have fallen pregnant.
I did tell him that I am to have this baby and he will not see it, as I dont want him to be a part of this childs life for 5 mins and then be out of its life for 5 months.
I need to be strong for my child!!
xoxox
BMC,
If you don’t like the topic, then don’t visit our blog.
pjstrlo:
Do what you feel is right. Don’t let him tell you to get rid of YOUR child. You get rid of the trash, not children. Since you have told us about some of your health problems, I think it would only be fair to say that this could be your only chance at being a mother. Involve him as much as possible, but allow him room to breathe and think about the situation. He will settle into a decision. If his decision is to stay in your child’s life, that is great. If he decides to leave and have nothing to do with you or the child. Let him go and have him a going away party because you don’t need someone dragging you down in life. Raise your child on your own. That’s what I am doing and its great. I can’t imagine how my son would be turning out if his father were in our lives. My son is a very kind and loving little boy and would probably be the total opposite if his father were around.
Hey Pjstrlo
It sounds like a tough time for you, but stay strong. Follow your heart and thoughts when it comes to the baby. One thing i think you have to teach yourself again after being with a mm is that you can be okay on your own, you don’t “need” them like you think you do. this took me a while to discover, but its true. Don’t let him influence you, just suround yourself with family and friends who love you and build a strong network of people around you for support and you will be amazing.
It is you body and your opportunity for a amazing change in your life, take it with both hands and enjoy the ride
C230
Did you hear from your mm over xmas?
i sent a general message on xmas day saying happy xmas and one on new year to loads of people in my phone and i did copy in my mm. i just wondered if he would reply anything at all. he didn’t. i just want to know whats happened, but all i can presume is that as i have heard nothing at all that he and his wife have decided to start again and make it work. i am kinda glad for them in a way, i still miss his friendship and i’m sorry i lost that with the affair, but he still isn’t the one for me, so i kinda wish him and his wife well and i hope they can figure it all out, although i guess it will take time for even them to know as i have found from my own experience, that people can try for quite some time to mend cracks before giving up.
I thought about him loads less while away, a change of scenery definately helped, and one of my resolutions for 2010 is to sort out my love life and really be more open minded and i guess put a little more effort into finding someone to care about
Hello everyone.
I was reading everyone story and some of them sound just like mine. I am too messing around with a married man for about 3 1/2 years. He was with his wife for about 9 years, they have 1 child together and she has 2 with her first husband. He would tell me stories about there bad relationship, how they always fighting and that he was very unhappy. Around two years into the relationship i got pregnant. He told me it was mine decession and of course i kept it. He told his wife and she forgave him. (that got me so mad). To this day he comes see me and our child about 5 to 6 days a week. He tells me everyday that he loves me and our child. He also still argues with his wife about me everyday. I know he loves me and i know that we have a chance together, it just take time. He doesn’t want to leave his wife for the wrong reasons. He wants his wife to leave him but she wont because she knows that if he did leave, he would be with me. He tells me just be patient and things will go our way and i believe him.
Hi guys,
Thanks for all your support. I wont lie it is tough, some nights I just cry myself to sleep. Who would ever had thought hey! I sometimes just think gosh whats happening and reality is I am going to do this on my own, sure I have friends and also family but I don’t have him. No one to help me in the mornings when I am sick or to massage my back when it aches.
I am not looking for sympathy because reality is, these MM reel us in with their fishing lines, and we fall for them hard! Sure I have had plenty of bfs etc and I have always been the one that breaks their hearts, never the other way around but this time, that shoe is on my foot now!
How I would give anything for him to be with me now, but I know I must be strong for this little miracle bubba I am having.
I am yet to tell my parents, family …. I can never tell tehmw ho the father is … but guess I will need to tell them soon, am 11 weeks now and starting to show a bit.
Thanks for all your support guys, I so appreciate it!!
xox
elle20:
I don’t understand how this guy’s wife can still be with him knowing that he has fathered a child with you. She is obviously an idiot. If they argue all the time, then he should just leave. I know, easier said than done. He has one child with her and one child with you so he can’t use the “staying in it for the kids” excuse. How can someone that is so unhappy continue to stay in a relationship that they despise?
I have an aunt that has three grown daughters (I’ve told this story on here before). Her husband cheated on her numerous times and actually had another daughter and a son with another woman. My aunt knew about this other woman and the children and instead of throwing in the towel, she stayed with him and pretty much raised his illegitimate children as her own. I don’t know how she did that. I guess she’s a hell of a woman. The main reason she stayed with him was out of fear. She was afraid of him. He physically abused her on a daily basis and she feared for her life if she left him. They have been married since 1969. Now, he has esophageal cancer and she has taken care of him while he was going through chemotherapy. Now the chemo treatments are over and she knows its only a matter of time before he is too weak to live. She has filed for a divorce because even though he is sick, he still tries to manipulate her life by withholding money from her. I guess she has had enough and figured its time to move on, even if it is 40 years over due.
I said all of that to say this…maybe in your MM relationship with his wife, one of them is frightened by the thought of being without the other. There doesn’t have to be any physical abuse going on, just the threat of not having a home, money, time with his child every day, and anything else that might entail a stable family life. Dig deeper and find out what makes him stay with her and then you can figure out what you need to do. Give him an ultimatum and you will see where his heart is.
Ladies, Ive been reading all the posts. If you are her for advise than don’t ignore the posts that aren’t fitting into your fairytale affair. I am a wife, my husband has been cheating on me for more than 8 years with the same woman. I just recently found out. I was devastated, my whole world came crashing down. I had a world wind of emotions…. at first I was so pissed at him, than so hurt, and than I was so pissed off at the other woman, then I was so sad and so on. It’s been over a year now and I’m still restyling with all these emotions.
But one thing I realize is these men that are having affairs are cheating on both woman, my husband was kind and loving to me, the sex was always great and plentiful. We did things together and spent almost all of our time off together. Yet he had this other life. I’m sure that these cheating men are eluding to the other woman that their wife is a bitch or they hate her or don’t get along, or they don’t have sex and only you make them happy. If they are lying to their wife they are most likely lying to you. It is like they are getting the best of both worlds and both women are suffering for his pleasure. I understand about denial I also dealt with that emotion after I found out. We are all woman and woman have good instincts about many things, so how do these men get over on us like this.
Hey Kayla22
I’m sorry to hear that your husband has been having an affair, it must be horrible for you. Can i ask why you decided to stay? Does your husband know that you know? Having been on the other side of it and having had an affair with a married man and then his wife finding out, i find it hard to see why people stay, because for me that break of the trust would be too much. if something happened once then maybe it could be forgiven, but not something long term.
the mm i was with did not say he didnt love his wife or that there was a major flaw in their marraige, he stood by the fact that he wanted to be with her long term always, but she was away a lot and he missed company. i think thats why we grew close, but also ended it for that reason that we grew too close and there was never going to be a future in it because he loved his wife. when she found out he was devastated, more gutted than i ever would have imagined and now he is trying to get things back to how they weer before with her. i hope they do, although i know personally that i couldn’t do it.
Good luck to you
kayla22,
I have been cheated on by boyfriends in the past and I never understood why they didn’t just break up with me before deciding to cheat. The same way with a wife/husband. If I’m not happy with someone, I’m going to try to find a way to make it work and get back in love with that person and if it doesn’t happen, then I’m going to remove myself from it.
I think you are totally right when it comes to the man playing on his wife and other woman. If it were so horrible at home, they would leave and not think twice about it. Like you said, you and your husband spent a lot of time together and showed that you love each other. But, why does he feel the need to test the waters elsewhere? I think it all goes back to our ancestors and how we are created as humans. Men have enough reproductive juice to populate the entire earth. However, women only have a limited amount of eggs and we are programmed to limit our eggs for use on a chosen man. I know women cheat, but not nearly like men do. Men are genetically programmed to spread as much of their seed as possible. That’s why they can’t stay with one woman. My parents have been faithful to each other for almost 40 years, but I know my Dad looks around. The only thing is that he has enough self control and love for my mother that he wouldn’t dream of being unfaithful to her.
This brings me to my other point. If a husband/wife is going to be totally in love with their spouse and faithful to the end, they will. If they have no self control, then they will never be faithful.
I still speak to my MM a few times each month, but I find myself distancing from him because of my comments that I just made. I know deep down that I would always be suspicious of him if we were together because of the way we met and have had a relationship for the last two years. Why would any woman want to live that way? His wife knows that he is seeing me, but she seems to be turning a blind eye to his philandering. Either she is ignoring it or she is making plans to leave him. That’s what I would be doing, planning to leave as graciously as possible.
i am hurting my guy never told me he was married or had kids untill 4moths int our relationship and i fell in love, when he told i was mad.. felt like i had been cheated on, then he said they seperated i believe that he spoke everynight and we seen eahother all the time, then he says they got back together for the kids.. now hes sayingit wont work he wants me
i feel so stupid now, i use to be the only women in my head now its like im the other women, and when i first met him i told him i dont do guys with wifes or kids…. he laughed and said i am not married or have kids, i spent a whole month with this guy, while his kid was 4months old,, i feel sick and sad and cry all the time,, i live 6hrs from him, i check his wifes fb all the time its like im obessed, she really pretty mexican aged 31, im italian and 24 i get told im beautiful too, but if i am why cant i leave this jerk,, i am in such a bad place right now, he texts me saying he loves me and always calls, in away i feel i wanna get him back, but i dont wanna hurt her or the kids, im a nice girl and would never of wanted this, what do i do. i love this man so much its killing me
Jess,
I hear you when you say that you love this man, but look at how he has manipulated and lied to you. He kept his life a secret from you and denied having a family.
My advice is simple. Since you live 6 hours away from him, keep your distance. Do not call him. Let him call you. I think its okay to talk, but don’t lead him on. If he tries to lead you on and make you feel like things are going to happen between the two of you, cut him off and let him know how you feel. Tell him that this situation is making you crazy and you can’t deal with it.
Truthfully, if this guy has a 4 month old baby at home, he’s not going anywhere.
hi C230, the baby is 8months old now, but still i just cant believe this… he says he needs me he just got back for the kids and soon thinking of leaving.. so anyway hes a nice guy met all my family and that, but he is the biggest liar ever,, he calls me when his wifes in the bath or even in the next room.. would he be doing this if he wasnt gonna leave her, i really am confused right now. you know i am a complete fool about this, i should leave his ass but its so hard to do, i keep thinking leave it another week but i know i should cut him loose deep down.. im starting to realize this may never work anyway because if i did have him, how do i know he aint gonna keep going from me to her
C230,
The reason why he still in the relationship is because he think it would be selfish for him to leave and he wants to make sure that once he leave there would be no strings attach(meaning sleeping around with her and being with me). Yes he only have 1 child with him but he fathered the other 2 since they were babies .When they get into arugments or just talk about there problems he would say “why don’t we just seperate” she would just cry and beg and he would feel bad. I tell my friends about the situation and they think she’s an idiot and just need him for helping with the bills. When she was with her first husband for 14 years and he cheated on her and she still wanted to stay in that relationship too, but then met him and i think it’s because she wanted to get back at him for cheating. She doesn’t get along with his side of the family and don’t take her child to see them and he hates that. She always with her ex mother in law who she still call mom and doesn;t call his mom mom. His family loves me and our child and i take my child there once a week to see his family by myself. The all want him to be with me and he knows that but he wants to make that choice and he just not ready yet. He told me he would be happier with me but he’s not hurting just 1 person if he left.
jess,
That’s the thing…you don’t know if he will keep going back and forth. The relationship I have with my MM is on a friendly basis right now because I couldn’t keep putting myself in the position he was putting me in. I can’t be the “other woman” forever. We talked about our feelings for each other, but it all boiled down to the fact that he has an obligation to raise his children and we need to chill out for a while. He still keeps in touch with me. I guess he’s afraid he will lose me forever if he doesn’t.
It’s always in the back of my mind that if we were together someday, would I always be suspicious of him cheating on me. The answer to that is, probably. We would have to establish a good communication system between the two of us and base everything on trust and vow to never break that trust.
If you are willing to put forth the effort to be with him, no matter how much you know he lies, then go for it, but be prepared to be hurt.
If you know deep down that you should cut him loose, then do it. I have learned over the years to listen to my gut. Do what you feel is right.
elle20,
Your mm’s wife sounds like a desperate & clingy woman. True, he would look like a total ass if he left her, after helping raise her children, plus their own. But, I think people need to take a step back and look at how their life is going to be if they stay with this person. Is he ever going to be truly happy? Is he ever going to have the things that he wants in life? Is he ever going to know true love?
Its hard for someone looking in from the outside to give advice, but I can say that I don’t think I would ever stay with someone if I weren’t happy. Happiness is a wonderful thing, but impossible to find with the wrong person. I know this. I have been in relationships where I was so happy, but the other person wasn’t feeling it, so it ended. I have been the other person as well, where I wasn’t happy and the other person couldn’t think of a better relationship. Its exhausting to be in a relationship. Nobody wants to hurt the other person, but sometimes I think you need to stand back and take a good look at your life and figure out what you need and want. Most people just do what is the most convenient, which is what our married men do. It’s too inconvenient to leave their wives, so they stay in an unhappy, loveless marriage “for the kids”. Yuck….
Seven years ago, I fell in love with a married man with two kids, a house, a mortgage and a housewife who did not work.
He left her and she figured out how to live on her own.
The kids got used to it, and they ended up loving me.
Remember, all it takes is $70 for a license and a trip to the courthouse to get married.
All it takes is about 30 seconds and a load of sperm for someone to get pregnant and have kids.
People have attached way too much significance to marriage. If someone in that marriage is “cheating” or there is not enough love, or not enough sex…then the marriage is a joke.
The only marriages worth respecting are the ones filled with love, trust, and honesty, in which case the dude would not be cheating, so I don’t feel bad for anyone who is being cheated on because that automatically rates the quality of the marriage anyway.
How do I get my married boyfriend to leave his wife?
The answer:
Be awesome. Be magnificent. Be irresistible. And the man will choose you because that is where he wants to be. No tricks, no muss, no fuss.
If he isn’t leaving his wife, chances are…he’s not that into you.
And…for those who say “If he cheats on his wife, he’ll probably cheat on you too…”
Not if you are the right kind of woman.
Cheating has a lot to do with the man’s interest. Men cheat because they are bored. Of course that is not the only reason, but it is a big part of it. Women get caught up in child-raising, cooking, and cleaning and forget to keep up their appearance and be interesting. A man does not want to see you laying around in sweats and masks on your face. A man will become less attracted to you if you get fat. Kids are no excuse. A man wants to have sex, a lot, so if you “have a headache,” you may have a cheating husband. If you gained 50 pounds, he’s probably grossed out by it. If you don’t enjoy being peed on or having anal sex…someone else does.
In my 28 years of life, I have NEVER had a man leave me. Even boyfriends from high school still call to tell me how much they miss me. I took one man from his wife and have taken a few others from their girlfriends.
I am a submissive, obedient woman that does everything I am told, and caters to a man’s every whim…but I really have to love him to do all that. Once that happens, I get everything I want…including him leaving his wife.
Nobody OWNS anyone. Human beings have free will and should all be free to be with whomever they choose.
If you’re in love with a married man, and it is real love, he will choose you.
That is all.
well i have told him i want out and he has told me he is thinking of leaving in a few weeks… im not stupid i dont think he will. he is a pilot who is hardly with her anyway,,but when he is with her he calls me in private, he was at the store with her the other day and called.. im still adapting and shit its hard. but anyway the hardest thing is knowing he goes to bed some nights with her, i am finding it really hard to sleep because of this, any suggestion, i just cant let him go for now im not ready, we willl see what two weeks hold, i havent seen him for 2months because of the distance, he wants me to meet him in a week for a week the longest ive ever been with out him, i
am so lonely right now, i hate this, the hardest thing is seeing them in pictures with their kids on her facebook, i wish he told me in the beginning, and i wish when he did tell me i left, instead of staying and him getting back with her,
c230, how long have you been seeing your mm? did you get bored as time went on or did you grow more in love?
I’ve been seeing my MM for a little over two years. I still care for him and want to see him, but our lives are complicated. He IS married and has three small children. His oldest is 9 and the twins are 4. He has a very demanding job along with a grueling gym schedule (he’s a power lifter). I think the gym is what keeps him from going crazy with his life. I have never grown bored of him, we enjoy being with each other and I think that is something that will always be. We are both in our 30’s and we know what we want. The things you want when you are in your 20’s are not the things you want later in life. This is why I think people should wait until they are in their 30’s until they get married. He’s a good man and I think if we are going to be together someday, it will have to wait until his children get a little older.
I have asked him how he copes with his life when he tells me he can’t stand to go home and hates even thinking about everything he has to deal with regarding his wife. His response was going to the gym for a good workout and over time he has realized that he is numb to his situation. Like he’s a robot or something, just go and do because its what he feels like he has to do. He works out of town at times, so that helps too I guess. He’s not with her when he’s out of town and sometimes I get to go with him. He is a different person when we are away together. I guess because he doesn’t worry about someone seeing us and he can totally loosen up and be himself. We have a wonderful time together, but he needs to do something or his life is going to be miserable for the remainder of it.
my married man even got my name tattooed on his back thats the only tattoo he has do you think he hides that from her?? my guys a pilot and works away alot too… so he invites me to really nice places… but he says he wouldnt beable to share me when i said ill find someone else then… now i just found out him and her have just
gone away for his birthday.. so upset because in dec he said he was gonna spend it with me.. when i try to talk to my friends there like you can who you want leave him… but no i want him i feel like saying.. sometimes i feel like im so stupid.. havent seen him since end of november, he keeps saying he will book his tickets to see me for a week… this is s***
i have been reading everyone commits and it has only confuse me more , it is love, it is wrong timing, he does love his wife, but we a soul mate , i no it is hard for him niether one of us want or excepted this to happen it just did , i am madly in love with him and the fact that it is so hard for him right now , it wasnt suppose to be but it is, i want to take a step back and so does he, but neither one of us , no how to be away from each other, because , dreaming about this our whole live , but never thinking it would ever happen, and now it has, dont no what to do with it,
the love of my life should i just let him go, but i know this is a one in a life time, it will never happen to me again, i am very confused and so is he, that is why i love him he just doesnt want to hurt anyone and nor do i, but in the end , if we live without each other, it would be such a lost on the most amazing love both of us have every had and i no not alot a people , couples, have the love we do .
but i would denie myself and so would he , just so we dont hurt others, is it right to denie this or should we just except the fact that we did find each other and felt that kind of love, and move on, how do you do that
i think he and i would rather live a lye than hurt other around us, but it hurts so much, my heart has never felt this kind of pain, but it has never felt this kind of love,
i guess i am not looking for advise, i no what we are both going to do, but i just want everyone to no, we did do it for anything dirty or selfish,, we just now, and if it was a different time, we would make the most amazing couple, i just dont no how to move on, or no if i can have another relationship that was or is so real , love , took me 43 years to find it , real love, what will aniy of my other relationships mean now, i dont no, it scares me.
it was just to soul that connected, sad for me he is married, i envie, his wife, but i would never hurt her , and nor would he, i just feel lost, we love each other so much that is what hurts
My name is jemmy. I got my man to leave his wife and two kids almost 2 years ago. he is my sisters husband s brother now my sister and i are dating two brothers. i have know him and his wife for almost 10 years now but i don’t care i wanted him at any cost. this is my second married man and i really don’t fear that i will have the experience of one leaving me because i am all woman. i am too much woman for them. this guy left his wife now they are going through a nasty divorce because of me, and i dont care that the children are involved are hurting. he loves me and i have him. maybe i’m dumb to think that he would never leave me for another woman but he loves me. people say that if he left his wife after 10 years he could leave me too, well guess what he wont because he loves me. i am up in there divorce like she was married to me because i love him. i send her messages and make her life hell. i go to church with my married man and his kids. hopefully his divorce will be over soon so we can get married.
how i got him to leave his wife, i went to a haitian voodoo woman and set voodoo on them. and it worked i got him. im from nicaragua and i live in miami, fl. i also, manipulated him to hating her and i talked negative about her to her children and him so that he can see i am the woman he wants. god will bless me with him because i saved him from her. thats my story..
Hi All
i have an update that i never though i would ever write. i heard from my mm on friday. he emailed me re something to do with my old job. i though this odd and replied but was very sceptical. i found out from replying and asking direct questions that they ended their marriage before christmas. i am totally shocked beyond belief. i never thought i would see him or speak to him again for one, and secondly, i thought they would work things out. he has told me that his affair with me wasn’t the reason for it and that there were other issues. i didn’t ask what, i could tell from his mails that his feelings are still pretty raw he hasn’t even told anybody yet. Interesting that he always said things were fine and he wanted to be with her, but its turns out things weren’t. i guess that we are right when we have all said that however much these men deny it, if they were happy they wouldn’t cheat on their wives. he went with her to stay with her family over christmas to say goodbye and she has gone back to Portugal for good and left him here in the uk in the house. i really cant explain how shocked i am, i had never even imagined him ever leaving her. its now totally confused me. i always thought that really he and i were too different in what we wanted out of life, but now he may be single, i cant help but a small part of me wonder what it would be like if i dated him. its wierd. neither of us have said anything, and i dont know if anything would ever happen, but u have to think about it and i really can’t seem to decide in my head what i think at all. maybe with more time it will become clear. anyway thats my shocker for 2010, any advice ladies?
the only thing i will say is that when i split with my ex boyfriend who i am now good friends with, when i think about him now i can’t imagine being that way with him anymore, but with this guy i can and i still have the “what if” question in my head. to be honest he may not even think about it so what i think may not matter, but i can’t help it now. i worry that he would cheat again, and that if anything happened at all, then i could get myself in very deep very soon because of my existing felings for him. Very strange weekend, crazy!
Sasha,
That is great news! It sounds like the split was amicable so I would just give him time to let it all sink in. Keep in touch with him, so he will know you are there to talk if he needs. Try to stay platonic friends for now. I think sleeping together so soon after a divorce may make him think that he did it for other reasons later on. You want him to WANT to be with you, not be with you because he’s divorced. I know its confusing, but you don’t want him to look back and see you as a mistake, like a rebound I guess is what I’m trying to say.
Hi C230
It got even better yesterday. when she found out about us, she ended up confessing that she had fallen in love with someone else and she has gone back to Portugal to live him him. It does seem amicable and from talking to him yesterday he seems to have got to a place that he wants to move on and find someone else. i think they knew it was over back in November from what he has said. after lots of thinking, i would like to answer that “what if” question in my head and go on a couple of dates with him but i don’t know yet if he wants that too. i have a history of leaving things too late with guys i like and then them getting with someone else before i make a move and i don’t want this to happen with this guy. not sure what i’m gonna do yet, but will just keep chatting with him and see what happens
Sasha…..you’ve given me hope. It might be false hope, but at least its something. LOL!
It’s nuts isn’t it. i don’t know if it’s hope, but it’s just a reminder that you never know what can happen, you really don’t. I have never been so shocked as i have in the past few days.
i think i’m gonna meet up with my “not for much longer married man” and see what happens. i’m hoping we can talk and see if maybe we could give things a go and see if we could make things work together. I have no idea if it would work, but at least i can answer my long standing “what if” question
well my mm said it should be over, i was crying, and said goodbye, and thats that,
Carolyn, you are so right! I loved my husband - trusted him and would never do anything to hurt him. Unfortunately, he did hurt me - dropped me to my knees in grief. He had an affair with a girl 16 years younger than both of us. She was well aware he was married and aware that we were in the middle of an IVF cycle and she still chased him. When I did not get pregnant, she immediately booked a celebration trip to Florida for the 2 of them. Of course, I was clueless. He was supposed to be staying at his parents’ shore home. When I did discover the pathetic whore’s text messages, I confronted her by phone. She admitted that he told her he didn’t want a divorce and that he still loved me. I warned my husband that if he unzipped his pants for this sad excuse of a woman, she was going to trap him with a pregnancy. Dumb bastard….went & screwed her and sure enough, she was pregnant. I was devastated. She was so selfish, so pathetic that she created a child for her own selfish desires - to force him to end his marriage. I cried constantly. I couldn’t believe how my husband betrayed & hurt me especially knowing how I was trying to hard to have our child. The whore knowing how heartbroken I was, made up all kinds of wild lies about me which hurt me more. My moral compass never changed - I served him with divorce papers in a civil manner and encouraged him to respect the girl and do right by his child. I warned him that she would continue to use this child as a weapon and sure enough, anytime she wanted control, she threatened to take him to court or to withhold the child from him. I got to see many photos of this pathetic girl and was in shock at how unattractive she is. I imagined a knock-out young babe. Far from it. I get told frequently that I’m a beautiful girl - strangers will approach me to tell me. His own family was in shock not just about the affair but the fact that he would look twice at her. He admitted to me that he was never in love with her - it was all about control & sex. We are divorced and they are not together. My ex still calls and asks to see me. I’ve been divorced for a little over a year now but can tell you that I still cry over this. I truly loved my husband and always stood by his side. Now ladies, here’s a point I want you pay attention to - I warned the mistress that when she fucked my husband, she fucked with me and no1 fucks with me and gets away with it. I kept that promise. She was lying to everyone. I located her father on a popular social networking page. We emailed each other and I knew the mistress would look & show her friends to look…and then I uploaded all of the text messages my husband sent to me. I took digital macro photos & uploaded every nasty text he sent about her, every text telling me she was the worst mistake of his life - then I updated her texts to me - filled with lies and I simply went to bed afterwards. The next day all hell broke lose - my husband & the whore fought like 2 pit bulls and the whore’s Dad cut her off. Her entire family, college friends, co-workers were all reading my blogs filled with true facts about the affair - about how she sent naked photos of herself trying to lure my husband, how I was in the middle of an IVF and she chased him non-stop while I was in surgery - being fully aware I was in surgery. LOL! I never slashed tires, ripped her hair out…nope…i just told the truth about what a low-life ghetto whore this pathetic piece of trash really was and I exposed my husband for the cheating spouse. Yep…slashing tires & pulling hair will only land you in jail but the truth will do more damage to a reputation. So…you homewreckers out there - better check out your married man’s wife before starting an affair - be sure the wife is the type to roll over and play dead while you stomp through her life, marriage and future. My ex-hub’s mistress never checked me out. I wasn’t rolling out the red carpet to my life for her without paybacks. (Note: I pray everyday for the child. She is a victim of their deceit too.)
Hey Jess
sometimes it does turn out that way. mine ended in september and after october i never thought i would ever see him or hear from him again. it takes time but you do get to a place when you realise you are okay on your own. give it at least 2 or 3 months and you suddenly realise he isn’t the first thing you think of when you wake up and that you have started to get your head round it. See what happens but no contact makes it 100% easier and i wish you the best of luck
i met up with my “soon to be not” mm for a drink last night. we had a couple of glasses of wine, caught up pn what we had missed with each other and just had a fab night. it was like i had seen him the day before, no awkwardness at all and i had a lovely night. nothing happened with us, he gave me a hug goodbye and that was it, but in so many ways it was perfect. seeing him again made me remember all the reasons that he means so much to me and we also discussed what could happen between us. he is very much in limbo at the moment, his divorce is going through, he is trying to keep his house, but not sure at the moment, he has an option to change job in a couple of months and obviously he is still a little bit getting his head round the breakup. he has dealt with it well considering it all ended in october/november time, but from our chat he said that he doesnt want to hurt me like last time and that he needs to find his feet and know what he is doing with life before he starts anything with me. he knows that i would only get involved with him on a relationship with a possible future basis, not anything else, and therefore said he wants to wait till he can offer than to me. i’m glad he is honest because i don’t want to risk the hurt again, but i do still have strong feelings for him. we have agreed to see each other as friends in the meantime and i guess time will tell. one thing i can say is that i am happy to have him back in my life in whatever form that may be
he contacted me after two days saying he couldnt live with out me. and wants to meet me in las vegas for a week, i feel happy that im gonna see him again, but i also feel sad im not strong enough to say no!!! i also seen him write on her wall on facebook that he loves her. which he does not know i see. that broke my heart.. and there was a small torrdano in CA and she put that it was scary thunder and lighting, and he put im gonna hurry home… and he says he doesnt love her huh!!
Hi Jess
If i could offer you any advice right now it would be don’t meet him for a week. i know you will do what you want and probably meet him, i probably would too, but if you can resist then do. if he is still saying things like that on facebook for all to see then he is probably gonna stay where he is with her, so you need to back off and try and give youself time to get over him. make him choose. if his feelings really are that strong, then he will come to you eventually. Please try and take a step away, it will noly make it easier in the long run, rather than getting yourself deeper in. Believe me, i know, i did those same silly things, i can talk from painful experience.
i am lucky right now that maybe just maybe my mm and i might get a chance to see if things would work now we are both single which i never expected, but i would never ever get involved with a married or non single man again because there is guaranteed hearache that will leave you with what if’s forever which is very very difficult to get your head round.
Good luck
ok sasha im gonna take your advice and not meet him i was debating it. i am not gonna contact him no more this is it. i will let you know how i get on..
Good for you Jess. i promise you will feel better for it and if you get to the end of the week having not spoken to him or seen him it will make you realise your own strength and you will feel better for it, i promise. from there you just have to stick to it and thats how you climb your way out from the heartbreak. its a tough ride, but one thats worth it at the end x
Wow… Im new to this site
I’ve been chatting with this mm guy for three months….and Im loving the attentio
Hey Guys
x
i think i just became the exception to the rule, i have started dating my married man now he is “soon to be not married”. the divorce and separation are all going through and they have 100% split up for good.
We have taken things back to basics and are going on proper dates and it’s lovely. i never thought this could ever ever happen, but it has and right now it’s good. i guess it gives hope to others that if it is meant to be then it can happen and i feel pretty lucky. will it last? i have no idea, but i am answering that “what if” question i have had burning inside of me for ages and whatever happens at least now i’ll know
I too fell in love with a married man. I was friends with his best friend who shared many details of my now lovers personal married life. I knew his wife neglected him and did not treat him in the way he deserved. This includes; sexually, emotional or any other way.
I fell for this wonderful man hook line and sinker. We have been having an emotional and physical affair for 8 months now and even though I do share him with another women, he still gives me more in all ways (not talking material things) than any other man EVER has!
Would I like to have him all to myself? HELL YES! I do respect his family in regards to not destroying or tearing them apart. When he is ready to make the change and I am still here and waiting, I will accept him with open arms. Until then I will enjoy every moment I am lucky enough to have with him.
Do I have lonely days and nights? Absolutely but I just look forward to to the next time, it can just be him and I.
I truly wish nothing but happiness for him and that is happiness with me of without me!!
Substandard morals, need I say more. Most of you don’t want to take the time to find your own relationship. Life is hard, But just remember their are women out that have training to take care of the problem…..(you)…….
Hi “oh my god”
Happy people don’t cheat, need i say more
Hey C230
How are things with you at the moment, not heard much from you? Have you seen your mm, any changes? x
I find it interesting that all you other woman claim your in love and that he loves you and is so unhappy with his family and his wife ect, have you considered this.he keeps you a secret ,he tells you what you want to hear and lies to you.Cause in most cases the wife has no idea he is doing this cause she trust him and loves him and is raising his children,You cling to his boot straps and a few hours here and a few hours there.I am sure he loved his wife when they met too and showered her with gifts and sappy poems ect.But don’t kid your self you think that having affair with a man for a year or more that you know him better than his wife you know who he wants you to think he is.You know the man his wife first met and she knows the man you’ll end up with and it’s rather pathetic.Ever heard the saying that behind every good man is a even better woman.It’s not the wife you are doing damage to you are freeing her from a weak man with many charater flaws and when you wake up and appreciate yourself he’ll be gone. Fact is many married ppl have affairs as a ego boost and are just selfish they care no more about your feelings than they do about their spouses , yet they keep you secret to protect their money their spouses and their reputation not you. it is the children they brought into this world and yourselves that you are harming the most and when you become the wife i hope you remember when your marriage goes south you deserved ever bad thing that happens to you.Get some confidence and instead of competing with the married man’s wife become secure with yourself and confident with yourself, because if you cannot live without this man how will you be after he leaves you.Find a man you can live with and not a man that you cannot live without cause the Karma you will feel for what you have done is not worth it.
@Forever True
In my case, I met my MM 18 years ago. He was my college sweetheart. We broke up and went our separate ways. I got married and so did he. Both marriages ended. He ended up marrying a woman on the rebound who he met and got pregnant from him while he was separated from his first with. So it seems to me like this second “wife” is overdue for her karma.
We reconnected about a year ago and we have a history and connection that goes back way before she was thought of.
I say all of that to make this poInt, all of these wives are not perfect. Many are not innocent victIms.
A great number of them have gotten with these men as an OW. Also, in some cases such as mine, the OW can have previous history before the wife came along.
That’s why this sit is a support site, not a moral police site. Marriages eNd all the time. Many are not meant to last forever. That’s life. If you were cheated on or left by your husband, get over. Tell yourself it’s about selfishness if it makes you feel better. As Sasha said, married people, men or women, don’t cheat. Something is lackIng at home.
If you don’t like the forum topic, find one for women who’ve been cheated on.
BTW, many men cheat because they know they have a low self esteemed wife who is going to take him back and beg and cry for him to make the marriage work. If he wanted to make it work he would not be spending time with another woman.
BTW ladIes, I know MANY men who are married to women they met when married already. And when Io say know them, I mean personally!
Excuse the typos in my previous post, I’m on my BB and the writing on my screen is so tiny!
No my husband has not left me for another woman lol,Everybody situations are different and if it is ment to be eithier way than so be it,but empower yourself and believe in yourself is all i mean.If you are the other woman or the wife don’t attack people or each other accept the truth but at the same time be honest with all envolved so they may be happy and move on whatever the situation.I just think that if this is what the married person wants than leave the wife and be with the mistress but you have to let go of one or the other so they too can be happy.I just think they should divorce before continuing affair so that children (if children are involved)are not used as pawns and hurt by it.Start with a clean slate so to speak.
I have been visiting this forum off and on for a while now and what I like about it is that the regular members are confident women. They have gotten involved with married men under different situations. Something I’ve noticed we all have in common is that we’re not attacking anyone and we’re not pursuing anyone’s husbands (the husbands are doing that). However everyone is entitled to their opinion. Thanks for that input.
Back to the purpose of this forum, how is everyone? C230? How are things with you?
Sasha I hope your dating is going well. I remember reading when you had not heard from him and you thought they were making the marriage work. I had a feeling that you would hear from him. I’ve come to realize that when things go quiet and you don’t hear anything for a while, that can be a big sign of problems at home. You would think when you’re not hearing from him that means that he is trying to make things work at home and shutting you out. However, whatever problems there are which caused him to turn to someone else are not going to just disappear. Sometimes you have to take a step back and let them realize that “making things work” is usually just putting of the inevitable until they come to terms with the fact that life is too short to be in a marriage they don’t want to be in. That is what you did and it worked out. Keep dating him,enjoy it and see where it goes!
Also, I’m interested in hearing what’s up with PJ and the pregnancy. How are things with your child’s father going?
Hi guys …. just to touch base. I am now 4 months pregnant, had my Ultrasound/s and I saw my little Bubba … My precious miracle angel!
Anyway, MM is supportive, at first he freaked but lately he comes over rubs my tummy, kisses my forehead and has started telling people about the pregnancy.
I don’t want him to leave his home life because of this child, it should not be an excuse. He needs to leave because he wants too.
I am just taking it easy, stressing less and yes I have fantastic and supportive family and friends.
Mum cried, from having cancer to being told I will never have children, to MUM im pregnant - A gift from God, what more can I say??
Hope all you ladies are well.
I understand that we will always be critised for becoming involved with MM - but sometimes life throws you obstacles and you have to find your way through the maze to get to the end. Be it with your MM or be it on your own. Also when attached people begin to look outside their marriage - there is a reason. Many wives know about the other women but choose to ignore.
x
I am happy for you. I figured he would come around. Many men freak out in the beginning. Even when you’re married to them and it wasn’t planned, a husband can act like that at first. My ex husband did not fall over with joy when he first found out I was pregnant. We were still in our early 20’s and it happened before we planned. I didn’t care how he felt because my son is a blessing to me. He’s 9 years old now. His dad lives in another state. He has not seen his son since he was about 8 months old. He rarely keeps phone or email contact with him and has to be forced to pay child support. He was my husband, and this is how things turned out. I say all of that to say, your child is a blessing regardless of how he or she came to be. Your situation with the child’s father at conception does not guarantee he will be there or that he won’t just take care of yourself and your baby. Everything else will work itself out.
Has your MM told his wife? I’m sure that will be too much for her to handle. She may try to stick it out, but once the baby is born it will be a reality that he is forever tied to you through your child and she’ll leave him. When she finds out she may try to contact you. If she does, I would not deal with her until after the birth if I were you. You don’t need the stress.
MM did big 360 today … gave me a list of places that perform late term terminations …. and said it’s not (baby) what he wants!!
After I heard the heartbeat again at hospital today!! Priceless
OMG! I am sorry to hear that. It sounds like either he told her and she probably threatened to leave or reality is setting in that he will have to tell her soon. If it’s any consolation, when my husband and I separated, I was 2 months pregnant. After my son was born I found out that my husband at the time told her that he didn’t think my son was hIs and I was his wife!!
Also, my MM I’ve known for 18 yrs. He was my first college boyfriend. The wife he’s with now came in while he was on the rebound and separated from his first wife. She got pregnant before his divorce. I saw him at a party not long after she had the baby. He told me at first that he didn’t think the baby was his and he was not serious about her. Make a long story short, he did end up marrying her 4 years later. No, you don’t want him to leave her and marry you just because you’re pregnant but I shared that story because that pregnancy started similar to yours. Even though he was separated, he was still married and he finalized the divorce and was there to help raise the child. The problem with that situation is that he was not in love with her.
If your married man loves you, and I suspect he does, he’ll come around. Meanwhile keep your friends and family close to you for support. If he starts pressuring you limit the contact with him. I let that happen myself some years ago and I still regret it. However, I already had my son. Seeing as this may be your one chance at having a child. That child is going to bring so much love in your life. If you were to terminate the baby, you would have more to lose than him. You’d lose your baby, have to gpo through the pain and the wife would be sitting there in lala land oblivious to the fact he created a life with you. I would tell him I’m not having an abortion. If he wants to leave, tell him to go ahead. He’ll have to find a way to tell the wife but that would be his problem.
If he leaves, he’ll be back. When she finds out and leaves him, he’ll want to be with you because he knows you well and is comfortable with you. Many men are insecure. When they’ve been used to being married and it ends, they usually want to remarry in a timely manner. They also seem to end up with a woman they’ve already known on the 2nd or 3rd time around. They also like to avoid having to get to know another woman well. He already knows you because of your history.
Hi pjstrlo
I’m so sorry to hear that your mm has gone the other way. don’t let him talk you round, this is your baby and your life, don’t throw away such an amazing oppertunity. if your mm really wants you then he will make his own decisions and come to you and also if he wants to be involved in bringing up the baby. Stay strong and do what you feel is right
Hey Kammi
Things are going so well, i never thought it possble. we are seeing each other about 3 times a week and it just fab. i find myself wanting to see him more. we are doing all sorts of normal type stuff together which we have never done before, even like just going for a walk in the park yesterday and i’m really happy. i almost am waiting for something to go wrong because it’s all just too good.i’ve never been this happy in a relationship before, even in the early days with my ex. i just want it to continue because i feel very lucky right now, i really do, and i can’t wait to see what happens xx
Hi guys, I am also involved with a married man and its been three years. When I met him he was not married and because of family and church pressure he was ‘allegedly’ forced to marry a women they wanted for him. I left him after that because I never wanted to be involved with a married man. So 8 months later he came back to me begging me to take him back because he faced hell ion his marriage. I didnt want to take him back but I knew deep down inside that he loved me and because I felt like he was stolen from me by this women, I took him back. He confided in me told me all his marriage secretes and he wants a divorce. So after a year and six months his wife finally packed his bags and left. However, she was now pregnant and he loves kids. But I had told myself that I will never fall pregnant with him until his divorce was finalized and he married me. His wife’s family and freinds encouraged her to come back and save her marriage, so she is now back. He tells me that the only responsibility he has with her is the baby and he wont leave me just because she is back and he loves me. He assures me that he will still divorce her. But my fear is that if the baby brings them together. I mean she had told him that he was on using birth control, So I think she used a baby to win him back. I am now looking to date other people regardless of the love and trust we have for each other …he is like my husband and he tells me everything….But I don’t think I can take it anymore. Now I am starting to look outside because I cant wait forever and I cant stand this nosense.
Hey troubled
i think you are right to try and move on. i would also remove any contact with him as he will only try and convince you otherwise and seeing him or speaking to him will make your heart melt everytime and make it harder to take a step away.
if he feels the same way then he will leave her regardless or not if there is a baby.
good luck, it’s gonna be tough